2011...

Well I have blogging for ONE YEAR!!! I can't believe it's gone so quickly. Sorry I have been a little MIA lately, but I had pneumonia and did not want to move a muscle!

As I sit here, after working one of the most insane shifts of my life, I ponder where I was at at this exact time last year:

• I was sitting at my parents house, that no longer exists
• I was waiting to see my boyfriend, Matt :) 
• I had finished working at a store I no longer work at
• I drove a car I no longer drive (as of yesterday!)
• My hair had about 17 more inches of length
• I was going to ring in the new year with my Noni, who is now in heaven
• I had a year and a half of grad school left 
• I only had one nephew, Hudson and now I have a niece (Avalynne) and a nephew on the way! (Max)

I am sure there are several more differences between 2009 and 2010 but that's all I can think of at the moment :) I always love welcoming in a new year because I don't know what it will bring. I welcome both the struggles and the success.

I remember sitting in a Francis Chan seminar almost 7 years ago (has it been that long?!)  and he posed this question: What if I told you that, during 2011 (I changed the year) your life would be roses. You would have no one die, no sickness, no sadness but only happiness and good things.  However, you would not grow any closer to God.  Now what if I told you that your 2011 would be wrought with hardship and death and illness and difficulty but your relationship with Christ would be second to none. You would grow so much in your relationship with Christ that you are almost a totally different person. What would you choose?  Would you choose the easy, happy route or would you choose the suffering?

Sadly, most (according to his survey) chose the easy road.  But I pray that we would both choose the suffering because Christ is so worth it.

Adios, 2010. It's been a blast. Now bring on 2011!!!

The Search For Significance

Hey all...

So, I haven't written for awhile because, well to tell you the truth, I don't feel creative enough.

Satan has been doing (trying to do) a work on my self worth lately.  So I chose to read a book called The Search for Significance.  This book is such a gem if you struggle with self esteem, or beauty, or guilt or acceptance that you are God's beloved, or co-dependency, or so many other things.

While I was reading a particular portion, however, I felt so convicted. 

It is the chapter on shame. 

The author mentions that sometimes, shame can result in a loss of creativity.

check.

Lately, I have seriously not felt worthy enough, creative enough, or wise enough to write anything worth your time.  I would spend hours trying to think of something that would be captivating and leave people breathless. and nothing would come. I would open a new post and sit there with an empty head. and close my computer and walk away. feeling worse than I did when I originally sat down.

McGee (author) says, "When we are ashamed of ourselves over a period of time, the cutting edge of our creativity atrophies. We tend to become so preoccupied with our own inferiority that we are unable to come up with new ideas. Often believing that whatever we attempt will fail, we may choose to avoid doing anything that isn't a proven success and relatively risk-free."

So, from now on, I will continue to blog.



ps. thanks for reading

Today...

Today has been...well...rough.

For no reason in particular. But do you ever have one of those days where life just seems to get you down? Well, December 6, you are one of those days for me.

I have hit my 12-week slump of coming out to California and I just desperately miss my husband. The alarm went off this morning at 5:23am and I woke up just wanting to burst in to tears. Because I was so warm and cozy and cuddled up in Matt's arms. And I knew that in two hours I would be saying goodbye. again. Then we got in the car and I realized half way to the airport that I left my phone and charger on my nightstand.

I have been spending the day looking at pictures of myself that are less-than-beautiful. Sitting in classes where I feel out-of-my-league. Looking at blogs of wives who are on-top-of-everything (and realizing that my Christmas decorations consist of one wreath hanging on our door). Staring at a study guide that seems impossible to cram into my brain by next week. I just feel internally beat up. and so tired.

So I remembered a verse that my mom always used to tell me that we should not look at the things God has given others..and I can't even find the reference. And that's bugging me, too.

So anyways, I realize I only have one more week of commuting before a month long hiatus. So I am going to power through. But in the mean time, here is my to do list during break, which I'm already so excited for:


 TO DO OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK:
SAND AND PAINT CABINET
CHRISTMAS/THANK YOU CARDS
COLOR COORDINATE BOOK SHELF
HANG CURTAINS
READ FOR PLEASURE
MAKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS DOILIES
MINI APPOINTMENT
HAVE GREAT QUIET TIMES
MAKE SUGAR SCRUB






It is so hard for me to believe that in exactly 7 days, this semester will be over. And I will be a second-semester senior. ahhhhh...

Advent Conspiracy

This Christmas season already feels different to me, in the most wonderful way...even though it's not even December yet.  You see, I attend a church in AZ that has decided to re-claim Christmas.  We are making a solid effort to combat consumerism and refocus the season back toward Christ. And I love this. Please watch this video.



I grew up in a home where Christ was definitely welcomed in on Christmas morning. We would always read the Christmas story and my dad always reads an excerpt from a book that is among my favorites. But then we always dug in to the presents.

Don't get me wrong, I am super thankful that my parents went so out of the way every year to ensure that all our wishes were granted. It always took hours for us to open all of our presents. And I can certainly remember those gifts that will remain with me forever. But can I remember half of the gifts I have received over the years that, at the time, I had to have? Probably not.

And that season of our lives has past. We are now hoping to invite Christ in to our entire Christmas season more than five minutes, Christmas morning.

Which brings me back to why I am so thankful for my church.

Our pastors have awarded us the opportunity to dodge consumerism and for that, I am so grateful. I have longed to do something like this for awhile, but never knew how to go about finding an organization.

Here's what Mission Community Church is doing:
During the next 3 Sundays, and on the website, we can make a gift of $40. In return, these funds will go toward Somebody Cares, which is an organization in Chikudzulire, Malawi that reaches in to their community and feeds needy and orphaned children.  This $40 will feed one child for one year. Yes, you read that right. $40. One child. One year. 

The goal of this project is to feed 1,500 children, which I think is too small of a goal! Think about it. $40. We spend that on one dinner out. Starbucks for a week. One pair of shoes. A sweater. etc.

So Matt and I have decided, in lieu of gifts, to buy this gift and give money on behalf of our family members. We will wrap up the magnet as the gift and let our family see how a child was offered a second chance at life for their Christmas gift. I am not writing this to try to champion Matt & my decision and look holier than thou, but to attempt to inspire you to join us. In return, I do not need to rush off to malls and battle traffic and wrap gifts (which is actually no where in my strengths) and stress out and cross off names on my list. I simply get to go to church and give! And if I want to enjoy the tradition of Christmas-time shopping, I can simply go and browse and maybe pick up one small, thoughtful, inexpensive gift.

I'm not gonna lie, I get wrapped up in consumerism alot. I love shopping (even online). I get this urge to keep up with the Jones' or give the best gift of the day and watch that loved one's face light up. So this will be a different (and even difficult) season. But I look forward to seeing what God does through it!

Please, pray about the decision to potentially join this cause and reclaim Christmas!

 

Thankful...

This will somewhat resemble my typical "i love..." posts, but in the interest of this looming holiday, it's got a bit of a stereotypical, cheesy, beautiful twist...

1. I am thankful for a husband who is my exact match. There are moments when we are giggling or tickling each other or praying that I sneak a peak at him and could just cry praising God for his goodness.
2. I am thankful that I am back in ministry again. In the brief weeks since I have been back on a youth ministry staff, I could name a thousand little things I am thankful for: community, teaching, learning, growing, connecting, laughing, bonding and loving these girls that I have been given the privilege to live life with.
3. I am thankful that my parents are back in ministry. Enough said.
4. I am thankful for all the foods I get to eat that are, in fact gluten free! There are so many! Perhaps I shall pen a future post about the wonders of gluten free options.
5. I am thankful for the Kern family. These incredible people, whom I have never officially met, are following God with their giving and this means that I get an education that would have otherwise been outside of my means. I am eternally indebted and will repay them by living my life serving the church.
6. I am thankful that I have maintained a steady job through all of our country's economic woes. Not only that, but I am so thankful to work for a manager and district manager that I love with all of my heart.
7. I am thankful for my entire extended family. I could seriously take each individual member and explain hundreds of ways they have encouraged and inspired me. They are truly a gift.
8. I am thankful for knowledge. As I took the strengths finder test, one of my strengths is 'learner'. I was not at all surprised by this because I could literally spend hours in the library studying commentaries and dictionaries on my weekly assignments. Because I know I am studying truth. Each deeper level I dive uncovers more truth within Christianity and it is so beautiful.
9. I am thankful for running water. My incredible church is very involved on an international level with bringing justice to those who are oppressed. As I have seen pictures of the difference that is being made, I am so humbled that I live in a country where I never have to wonder if water will be flowing from my sink or shower.
10. I am thankful for the friends God has blessed me with. I look at areas where I am weak and they are strong and how we can learn from one another and I marvel.
11. I am thankful for our first home. Yeah, it's a tiny one bedroom one bathroom apartment with more crickets than the entire state of Arizona. But it's home. And I am thankful...

G-Free

So I was at work on Friday when all of a sudden, a horrific pain came shooting up my back/colon-y area (if I were to have to guess, I would say that area). It was gone as quickly as it had come but man was it painful. For the remainder of the day I was uncomfortable but did not experience that same type of pain.

The following day, I was at work, forgetting for the most part about the previous day when bam it happened again.  This time it was longer and less easily forgettable. I felt as though I needed to run in to the back room and cry. For the remainder of the day I was incredibly bloated and uncomfortable.  I took my lunch break and could not sit up straight because my stomach hurt so badly. I asked Matt to bring me cranberry juice and a colon cleanse in order to alleviate my pain...I took a colon cleanse and no such luck...

So after work, I began researching all of my symptoms online. After an hour or so of reading up on everything I began to see a recurring theme: celiac disease.

**sidenote: if you know me at all, you know I am always down for a new natural healing health practice, dietary restriction, homeopathic healing, etc. so you people all know where I am heading with this**

I was in such discomfort that I nearly missed Sarah's bachelorette party, which would have been awful.  I immediately knew that the problem was bad enough that I had/have to think fast and make sudden changes to my diet/lifestyle.

So...let me report...


I am now gluten-free!!!!

Andrea, if you're reading this you're probably dying that I am trying yet another thing...

I'm just going to try it for a few weeks and see how I feel. I need to go to the doctor and get officially tested to see if I am actually gluten intolerant or celiac.

So after several texts to Dena, who is a fellow (more experienced) gluten intolerant, I ventured off to my first gluten-free shopping excursion.  I had to drop off forgotten items to Matt at his school, which is conveniently located next to a Trader Joe's...So I walked in...

After a few moments of walking around aimlessly in a crazy-packed store (**not to self do not go grocery shopping thanksgiving week...good grief**) I was feeling desperate and unsuccessful. I found the nearest Trader Joe's employee, used my star skills and asked for help. This dear girl was so helpful and pointed me in the direction of a few of her gluten-free favorites.  She also informed me that they had a list of all of their no gluten ingredients and items in their store, which she tracked down for me! For your convenience, I found one online, too. 

I found a few really good items and realized that my absolute favorite thing at Trader Joe's, their white cheddar popcorn, is gluten free!!! wahoo!

So I will keep you posted on this area of my life but I have been gluten free (and pain free, mind you) for two whole days now with high hopes for it to continue!

It is well...

If you have been reading my blog for a little while you have probably caught on to a pretty re-occurring theme in my life...one that I am not too proud of, but a theme just the same. I have a really hard time loving myself. I hear friends and family confess their sins and I believe fifty thousand percent that Christ's redemptive work on the cross completely covers their sins. But for some reason, I have the hardest time stretching Christ's blood to cover mine.



A few years ago I read a book that was simply splendid. If you have glanced on the bottom of my blog, you will find that I keep a running list of books I have read and loved and would recommend...this book is on that list. It is called Cold Tangerines and I believe it has really gained in popularity during the past year or so (probably because of my blog...jk). Well in one of the vignettes of this book is nestled a little ruby...

Shauna talks about a disagreement she found herself in with one of her friends. As the days grew on and on and the disagreement was not being settled, she found it bothered her more and more.

Because she was the wronged party. She was innocent.

She found the offense tying her in knots and ruining her sleep because she could not believe that this "friend" would carry on with her days with the knowledge that she hurt her so deeply.  So what she did was put her on a hook. Shauna confesses that she found herself obsessing over this hook and fixated on the fact that she was wronged and refused to allow her friend off the hook for what she did.  The ironic realization she came to, however, was that it was upsetting her *(Shauna) far more than it was upsetting her friend.  In fact, her friend continued to carry on (seemingly) with her own life as if nothing had ever happened.

So Shauna decided to do something drastic.

It might not be what you're thinking. She did not call her up and let her have it. She did not publicly embarrass her or attempt to get back at her. She did the opposite.

She let her off the hook.

As I read this vignette I was very convicted about all of those in my life that I have on my own proverbial hook.  I decided then and there to let these people, name by name, one by one, off the hook. Not for their sake.

But for mine.

But what I am realizing that I have yet to do, is let myself off the hook.

I mess up and fail at maintaining some standards I have set for myself but rather than cover it in God's grace and learn from my mistakes, I beat myself up and find it affecting my relationship with God. I put myself up on the hook years and years ago and have tried to take myself a few times but have failed miserably in my attempt.

So i want all of you to hold me accountable to this end. I want to make sure that this time, it sticks.


On Sunday morning, during our worship service, we sang It Is Well (With my Soul) and man what a rush. Because as we sang about all of the things that are well with our souls, I decided that it is well with my soul to receive the love that my Jesus has been trying to hammer home to me. I bathed in his grace, mercy and love and for an instant, I believe I even felt the kind of love I believe heaven will be filled with...and it was well...






 For further reading...


Please read this paragraph from Cold Tangerines as well:

"I imagine that God does that to me, puts his hand on my head, on my heart, on my savage insecurities, and as he does it, he thinks thankful thoughts about me. In my best moments, when I calm down and listen closely, God says, "I didn't ask you to become new and improved today. That wasn't the goal. You were broken down and strange yesterday, and you still are today, and the only one freaked out about it is you."



Amen. 

De-Railed...almost...

Ok so literally my life has been nearly unmanageable lately...and just when I thought it was the craziest it's ever been, I added junior high volunteering to my plate...but you know how there are some things that drain you and there are some things that fuel you? I honestly feel as though adding jr. high volunteering to my list, though it's one more "responsibility", has offered me so much needed fuel. I have six little lives that are looking to me... Julia. Jordan. Julia. Lexi. Julie. Annie. And man are they adorable. They have reminded me why I am passionately in love with student ministries again.
So I promise that I will write you soon and I have been thinking of you often.
Sorry Megan.
Don't yell.
I love you all.

Ps...I am playing old fashioned hooky this week :) that's right...I'm ditching class...if you are a student reading this GO TO SCHOOL! But I needed a break this week! Hopefully it will award me the much needed breath I have so desperately needed.

I will leave you with this...

God is so good.

I will tell you more on why later...

arts & crafts time!

After a day of looking at amazing apartment therapy homes yesterday, I am inspired to kick my apartment in gear. We have lived here for almost 5 months already and it feels like one week.

So, today I went to Hobby Lobby and purchased some adorable frames, shelves, paint, and sand paper.


Hopefully, I will have pictures to post soon :)

I love...

1. Cold Tangerines (not the book this time...actually the cold fruit...I bought some from Sprouts yesterday and they are incredible)
2. Running on the treadmill while Ellen is on (I went to my apt's gym yesterday and commandeered the whole place in order to get them to play Ellen)...don't worry, the guy that was in the gym prior to me laughed almost at every line...he was secretly glad I changed the channel :)
3. Cooking! (I got the chance to cook last night for the first time in an embarassingly long time and it was delightful...Even if Matt was home 2 hours late...but this is about things I love so...)
4. Gingerbread syrup (my store just got our early shipment only available for partner sampling :) If you know me, you know just how passionate I was when that shipment arrive)
5. The Marcel the Shell with Shoes On video that Kay had on her blog the other day. obsessed.
6. Sister Wives. Such a guilty pleasure. So fascinating and disturbing all at the same time. I just want to share Jesus with them...
7. My new winter do
8. That my legs are sore from running :) and my butt too! :)
9. Hobby Lobby
10. Rainbows. Saw the most beautiful one today...mmmm...
11. My new fall nailpolish colors...!

Show Me.

I think one of my favorite forms of "quiet times" are listening to music.

When I was a little girl, my mom tried to instill in me the value of having a quiet time with God every day (God bless her for not only highlighting the importance of quiet time spent with God, but for embodying this discipline every single day I can remember). However, I regret to admit, it became so legalistic inside my twisted little mind that it has carried a certain stigma with it. Because, I am a third year seminary student who feels like a daily quiet time gets me tallies on the "pro" side of my score sheet or a pretty jewel in my crown.

For the past year or so, however, God has been deconstructing my view of what a true quiet time is.

I realize that writing something like this could oft regard me as a liberal, postmodern, hippy-like, Christian but God knows my heart. And so I write on...

For me, personally, I do not as easily breathe and experience God through opening the Bible. Don't get me wrong, there have been many instances where I feel as though God jumps off the page of my Bible at me (and wildly enough, I adore studying the Bible in my classes. I could read commentaries and Bible dictionaries for hours and just marvel at scripture). But... when I listen to music, God seeps in to my pores, senses, heart, emotions, etc. etc. etc. I experience God so intimately when I take a walk around a beautiful neighborhood or lake or park. I sense God when I engage in a beautiful conversation with my husband, or mom and dad, or Kaylyn, or Dena, or Sarah. I am so mutually encouraged by hearing how God is working in and through the lives of those closest to me. I see God when I travel to different countries, places, cities, etc. and see new sights my eyes have never beheld. (ex: when I watched Eat, Pray, Love I had a seriously spiritual experience relishing in the scenery and praising my Lord. Even though the movie did not conclude with Julia bowing down before Him, I did.) I love watching Planet Earth. I praise God with every crazy creature that is introduced that has never been filmed before and my mind has never imagined before. I adore singing my guts out to God when I drive my 5-hour drive to California every week. I covet this time, odd as it may sound. Because for 5 hours, it's me and God (and sometimes, Stan). I love to write to God. I have pages and pages numbering the hundreds on my computer of my most intimate thoughts and prayers to God. And I am so inspired by reading past words and seeing the ways in which God moved (i.e. all of those prayers about a future husband have resulted in a man God could have made only for me, all of those prayers wondering where my parents would possibly end up and they are in such a beautiful church with a beautiful senior pastor). I am so humbled when I sit down and blog only to receive a message or phone call that my words or experiences were just what someone needed to read.

So maybe, for me, in my personal season of experiencing God, this is my most appropriate form of worship. Obviously, I have the utmost respect for those I know who pour over scripture for hours on end and I am in no way claiming that I disagree with this form of quiet time. But until I get over this certain stigma, it is not for me yet. Because it is not about a jewel or a tally mark: It's about my heart.

Which is why I constantly am quoting from different sources of inspiration: books, songs, movies, sermons, etc. Because those are my quiet times. Those are the ways in which God reveals Himself most intimately to me. And I want to pass them on. Because they are so beautiful.

Today, I am listening to a song that has stopped me in my tracks. It is called Show Me, by Audrey Assad. Here are the words: please read them as your prayer, (if that is your thing...and maybe even if it is not):

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me






...This was my quiet time today.

Lately...

-I almost died in a plane crash...I wish I were kidding

- Matt scored the winning goal (and 2 more!) in his soccer championship :) 

- Tried a date (the fruit) shake at Hadley's off the I10 for the first time (oh, and saw the huge dinosaur that I evidently had missed for the past 5 years...)

- Went to Wisconsin for our senior Kern retreat and met 50 other amazing people who have had this same gift bestowed upon them. It was truly a rich time had by all

- Woke up with a cricket by my head on our bed. Did not go over well...

- Had a really great meeting with the Jr. High pastor at my church & am praying about heading back in to youth ministry :) 

- Started watching Friday Night Lights...verdict is still out...

- Currently spending 5 days in Cali with Matt & my parents enjoying fall break

- happy Columbus day! 

- Got all of our wedding flicks back...omg.

- Listened to the Freedom From The Fear of Man sermon for the 5th time: still got more out of it

- Can't stop watching Sister Wives. fascinating. 

- I really am feeling the weight of the semester already. I think I am going to take next week off. I need it

- Got to a new high level on brickbreaker. pretty exciting :) such. a. loser.

- Matt & I celebrate 4 months of marriage tomorrow. Gonna celebrate Disneyland style.

- Still have the itch to chop all my hair off.

- I got asked to endorse a book! When I have more information, I will disclose :) 

- During my meeting this week, I learned to much about myself and where I am along this crazy path called life and faith. I loved that I really backed up what was coming out of my mouth with the belief of my heart

- I get to enjoy this whole week with my husband! He has fall break so he is off & we get to spend some QT in California with my parents and each other. such a treat!

- I have a chance to talk and meet with a girl who has a potential to become a kindred spirit. We partnered up for a project in class and we have to interview each other and I can't wait! 

- I have been in a habit of underlining the word "refuge" as it refers to the Lord in the Bible and it pops up everywhere! I love the analogy of my Lord as my refuge. So comforting.

- Heard news that Matt & I are gaining another NEPHEW! Katelyn is having a boy! So far, the front running name is Max, but we shall see!!!

- Saturday we had a huge ol' family gathering at a local bar that played the Ohio State game. We all gathered for my cousin's birthday and it was such a sweet time! Matt **(who bleeds blue & gold, michigan) even supported the bucks with his scarlet and grey

My dear friends, I hope this post finds you well, happy, healthy and refreshed. I pray you will be encouraged this week and find beauty in the entering season of Fall. Fall is my favorite. Even though I do not get to experience the same fall as my minnesotan readers, I still adore it. Those of you who have the opportunity to see color on the trees, please do me a favor and go for a walk and breath in the beauty of color around you. You are fortunate. As for me, I will just go walk around Fall at Disneyland tomorrow :) 

Shalom, my friends.

Sara. Caitlyn. Julia.

So, as of late, I have been repeating a few lines in my head over and over: Two come from songs. One comes from a movie.  One is short. One is medium. One is long. But no matter their length, I hope their content is as impacting for you as they have been for me.

#1

"Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere"

I have been listening to an obscene (in the very best way) amount of Sara Bareilles' new CD, Kaleidoscope Heart. Hidden among track number two, otherwise known as uncharted, is this little nugget that is so peppy and upbeat, but holds so much truth. It made me think: How many times have I compared where I am to where I want to be and ended up feeling overwhelmed and under-accomplished.

I mean, I am 27. When I was 19, I assumed that by 27 I would have two kids, a part-time job working in my dad's church, living next to my parents, with a gate that separated my back yard from my parent's so the kids could run back and forth...however the truth is that I am 27, married (*to the very best man imaginable), no kids, no gate, no church, with parents who live 400 miles away. I am not exactly where I wanted to be.

And for a long time, (and, let's be honest some days still) I sulked and cried because my life did not end up as planned. But comparing gets me nowhere. Not only comparing me to me but me to you or you to me. It does neither of us any good. So from now on this little phrase is my mantra. If I compare where I am to where I want to be I will get nowhere.

p.s. another song among my fave's from this jem is called "let the rain". Again. It is hidden among a catchy melody but holds unending amounts of truth. Rather than having me gush about it. Go buy it. Consider it an investment.



#2

"What I thought I could handle, what I thought I could take, what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake" -Caitlyn Smith, Crushed and Created

Enough said.


#3

Last week, my mom took me to see Eat, Pray, Love because if you know either of us, Julia is our queen. The following is a scene in the movie when she is in Rome and visits a seemingly dingy place. The dialogue, however, reveals the true beauty. Enjoy:

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

The last two sentences in particular had me in tears in two seconds flat. All of us have that thing in our lives that is our ruin. You probably already have in your mind what yours is. For me, it was a significant (or rather, two) ministry pain my family endured. For years, it was our ruin. 

For too many years.

For years, I felt burned and pillaged but now I see how it has become my transformation. I am still in the process of trying to view it as a gift. But I'm sure I'll get there...

megan & michael sitting in a tree...!

This is Megan.

Megan is my friend.

This is Michael.

on the left...

he is also my friend.

Well a few weeks ago, these friends of mine got engaged.

and I am so happy for them.

Megan is just so excited to get married and keeps texting me all sorts of fun wedding questions, being that I just went through the process (& I feel so flattered and unworthy to answer all of her questions) so i figured it would be far better for me to simply blog it out...so megan, here are my best shots at advice for you (and any other bride hopeful who might be reading :) )...

• Choose a photographer you know - I feel so blessed and fortunate to have the most talented photographers at sessionninephotography capture our very best day. However, I unfortunately know too many friends who invited a photographer to participate in their most special day and pay them only for them to peace out along with their photos and money. So ask for testimonials and phone numbers of people whose weddings they have shot that would vouch for them
• Have someone, anyone, a videographer, your uncle, videotape your wedding - This was something I praise God my sweet husband was very stubborn about. I know videographers can be so costly and I did not want to burden my parents with the bill of a videographer. But luckily, Matt knew someone who would come shoot our wedding at no cost to us until we have money to pay for it. And I want to look at our video every 4 minutes. Because in the height of emotions and excitement, I regret to say I can hardly remember a second of our ceremony. 
• Have a first look, just the two of you - I, personally, do not fall under the age-old-tradition of the bride seeing her husband while she walks down the aisle. Matt & I had a special moment, just the two of us and our photographer, to see each other. We were forced to do so because our ceremony was at sunset so if we had not seen each other, we would have no sunny pictures of the two of us on our wedding day. Plus, it felt so intimate to have a few moments alone before the hustle & bustle of wedding day set in. It was such a special time for us to connect and snap a few photos. I know so many brides who would fight me on this, but again...this is my time to give my advice :) ...so there...
• look in to his eyes, and his eyes alone when you walk down the aisle - I remember walking down that aisle and I will for the rest of my life. Because my eyes found Matt's as soon as I stepped out of that car, and they did not leave him until we faced the crowd to walk back out of the ceremony together. I have seen so many weddings where the couple's eyes are on everyone but one another. And it makes me want to yell, "cut!" and run up on stage and re-position the couple and start over again. 
• Get pre-marital counseling - I know you already probably will, but I could not more strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. It brought up so much stuff for us to talk about and we still talk about it to this day. 
• Let the guys wear suits - Our groomsmen wore suits and they all thanked us for the amount of money it saved them. Or it gave them an excuse to invest in a suit they would have forever.
• Do not give in to sexual temptation before your wedding night - Matt & I set very strict boundaries that we did not cross. And I cannot tell you how thankful I am that we did so. So often when I look at him now, I am so thankful that what we share is a result of our marriage ceremony and we did not fail prior to it. It is so worth the wait. Every second of it.
• wear your lingerie - as you know, I just wore the lingerie you got for me for the first time on Sunday. that is messed up! I have done a horrible job of wearing all the beautiful pieces that people bought for me or I found for myself. This is as much a challenge for myself as it is for you! I thought before I got married that I would always wear it but everyone told me I wouldn't: unfortunately they were right. 
• Ask your married friends to be real with you - I feel as though I entered married life with rose-colored glasses. All I heard from everyone was how, "marriage was the best decision other than asking Christ to be my Savior that I ever made", "You will just love it", etc. etc. etc. love. love. love. gush. gush. gush. But when we actually got married and I would confess hardships in our marriage, all these same married friends would be like, "oh my gosh I know! that was hard for us too!" and I wanted to say well where was THAT three months ago!? So get real live stories of real life marriage from people...and not only the lovey gushy gory details. :) 
• Do not memorize your vows - if you choose to write your own vows, do not attempt to memorize them. This was passed on to me by both friends and pastors. If you try to memorize them, you will get so focused on remembering them that they will overtake your entire ceremony. If you choose to write your own, simply print them on pretty paper and have the pastor hand them to you. Or simply repeat the age old vows that so many who have gone before you have done...
• Buy two pair of your pretty wedding underwear - (submitted by Kaylyn Unterkofler) Make sure you have an extra pair of your pretty underwear because, let's be honest, you're under layers of heavy, not breathy wedding dress. You're gonna dance the night away. You're gonna get sweaty. Before you do the deed, make sure to change undies...or...
• Take a bath when you get to your hotel room - Matt & I took a bath first. This helped me, personally, immensely. Because I was clean and relaxed when we got out. And that, for me, made all the difference. It allowed us to slow down. Romance each other in the tub. And drink a glass of champagne and relax. And pray. And then he got out, and I stayed behind and got dressed... :) 
• Don't schedule your honeymoon or your gift opening or anything early the next morning - We slept in until noon the next morning. Or at least we stayed in bed. And it was so lovely knowing we had nowhere to be and could just sleep and bask in one another. I know so many people who have to be up at like 5am the next morning to catch a flight & it seems like such a drag! Because then you lose a few days of your honeymoon trying to catch up on sleep! In fact, we waited a week after our wedding to leave for our honeymoon. I loved it because, as a virginal bride, I was so sore! For the solid week after (yes, I'm being brutally honest) I wanted to cry. So by the honeymoon, I was at least a bit more comfortable. 
• Only put yourself in charge of enjoying your day, come D-day - (submitted by Jessica Charney) In other words, you should have no other job on your wedding day other than fully experiencing and enjoying every emotion. Don't let anyone come to you with any problems, hiccups, etc. Designate someone else to that task. That's what family is for. You just enjoy. It only happens one day. 

So, anyways, my dear friend, I hope these help! I'm sure I will think of several more along the way! Congratulations. I could not be more happy for you two. <3

stan and the venti coffee man...

this week there have been two separate, unrelated incidents that have restored my faith in humanity...I mean it's not like my faith was in shambles, but it is always nice to have it strengthened!

stan

This week, as I drove to California for my first of many trips, I felt as though my car was swerving a bit more than it should. But the road had been newly paved and I assumed it hadn't been properly pounded down by the huge steam roller thing. I approached Quartzite (and drove through it in a flash because it is approximately 2 exits) and kept ignoring my swerving car...until I passed the last exit and was about a half mile out of town and my tire popped. Luckily, I had been scared enough by my swerviness that I hadn't been driving that fast and it wasn't too traumatic (let's be honest Matt, my mom and my dad would beg to differ as it took me three minutes through sobbing tears to explain that I had not been in a fiery car crash but was on the side of the road with a flat...my first flat ever). 

After what seemed like a lifetime of waiting on the side of the road having no idea what to do, and while on the phone with a husband who was basically unable to come to my rescue, I heard a tiny horn honk. I looked behind me and saw a disheveled man with one button on his shirt properly buttoned and dirty feet and approximately five teeth in his mouth and a duct taped on windshield walking toward my car. My wave of sobs was so intense that he informed me to take a breath because, in his words, "I was actually scaring him!"

I quickly learned that this man's name was stan, that he had a tire blow out on him the week before, that he always kept a cooler with ice water in his trunk, that he ate sour patch kids, that his father had just passed away and he was on his way visit his widowed mother in Indio. 

He was so kind as to take me to a tire store, wait for two hours with me while the tire store took their sweet time to switch my rim from one tire to the next because the man in front of us complained about how long it was taking so, naturally, that translated to 'take longer please' and he took me back to my car and changed my tire. 

No kidnapping. No funny business. Just a passerby who was willing to help a stranded driver.

doug, i think

So I just moved to a new store and am still learning the customer's names and drinks but I am pretty sure this man's name is Doug. Doug, I think, works from home (or Starbucks) and sits at our store for hours while doing his work and ordering refills on coffee...which is fine with me because he actually abides by our refill policy and doesn't bring in a six-day-old-crusty-cup-with-red-lip-stick-on-the-rim-claiming-that-it-was-his...yes, your local baristas have seen pretty much every attempt at penny pinching. 

But Doug is different. Last week, as is custom for many days, Doug ordered his coffee and sat. A few hours and a few refills later, Doug was packed up for the day and ready to leave...but not with out one last cup of joe. He came up to the counter and asked for one more venti coffee. I informed the barista at the register, who had just clocked on for the day, that she should only charge him for a refill because he had previously ordered a beverage. 

This is where it gets good....

Without blinking an eye, he said, "no, no, no...I need to pay full price for this one. This is for my wife, not for me so I need to be charged." 

Shocking? I thought so...because it reminded me that there are still people with integrity in this world, driving the roads and ordering coffee.

3 months...

Well yesterday, Matt & I celebrated *(ok we really didn't do anything, but we said happy anniversary!) three months of marriage. This three month journey has really seemed like so much longer than three measly little months. We have been through far more in three short months, ninety-some-odd days, than I anticipated, and here is what I have learned:

• I really love to cook. Prior to this, I knew I liked to bake, but cooking was a realm I never really conquered before. And I love it. :) Not only do I love it, but I am good at it!
• Marriage is hard! I went in to marriage with every preconceived ideal that anyone could ever have and it hurt me. Because marriage is work! It is the very best kind of work, but it is hard! 
• Marriage is the most intense act of selflessness I have ever engaged in. I'm sure having a child will bring me to another whole level but for now, this step in marriage has been huge! I am not trying to toot my own horn by explaining all of the ways I have served Matt, but it is definitely a huge act of putting him first, in every situation and I have learned the hard way in some situations, but I am so much better for it. 
• There is no I in team. corny. true. believe it.
• Waiting to have sex until marriage, for me, was totally and completely worth it. At work, a few of my Christian unmarried friends have recently asked me if I am glad I waited til marriage and the answer is o.m.g. yes. Before June 12, I always secretly wondered if I would wake up June 13 and regret waiting. nope. To go along with that, sex is vital to the well-being of a relationship. I will be vulnerable *(as I usually always am on my blog) and share that there have been a few days where we have not been intimate and I can always tell in our attitudes toward one another.

If you are married, stop reading this and go have sex with your husband. 

• Oh, and another thing...another single friend of mine who is remaining a virgin until marriage asked me last week if, on our wedding night, I felt guilty for the sexual acts I engaged in (and this was a question I asked my married friends & had great concern about) and the answer? not. at. all. Being able to see his wedding ring on his finger and seeing mine and flashing back to moments of our marriage ceremony helped me but there were no feelings of guilt and I felt God was blessing our marriage bed. Anyways, enough of that...

• Weekly dates are so vital.
• I am not a morning person. 
• Now that I am in my own apartment, I really like/need to keep things super clean. Growing up, my mom always freaked out on me when clothes were on the floor or my bathroom wasn't clean. Now I get it. It drives me nuts. I love waking up in the morning to a tidy house with no dishes in the sink and I love crawling in to bed having to fold back the covers and take off the decorative pillows.
• I have to beat my body in to submission, as 1 Corinthians 9 says. Generally, I want to lay on the couch rather than doing that extra load of laundry, going to the gym, etc. etc. etc. and I can't tell you how many times a day I quote this verse: No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Cor. 9:12)
• I do NOT do finances. and I am SO thankful that my husband does. Praise Jesus for a husband who checks our bank accounts twelve times a day. 
• I am stronger than I think I am. The past week, I have dealt with a dead car battery and a blown out tire on the highway on the way to california. And I'm still alive. Thus, I am stronger than I think I am. 
• Pre-Marital counseling is SO worth it. Take the time, energy and effort, if you are not married, and go see a regular counselor. Sets you up for success. Matt & I didn't do as much as I wished we had but it is a jewel.
• Some days, I have to CHOOSE to love Matt. Love is a choice. So cliche, I know. But seriously, so true.

Anyways, these are just a few of the things I have learned on my short journey thus far. If you are single, live up your single life! love it! embrace it! because it is such a gift! I am so fond of my single years with roommates and girls nights and all the beauty that comes along with it...

arch enemy: splenda

ok, my dear friends...many of you may already know (or have read my facebook status) that I hate-hate-hate-loathe-loathe-loathe:

splenda

I know I am immediately creating enemies with approximately 98% of women in the world who swear by faux sugar substitutes, but I am ok with that as long as I can scare just a few out of dumping the little yellow packet down the garbage rather than in your bevvies.

A few years ago, we had a regular customer who would order her usual beverage at the bux (which consisted of about 8 splenda) a few times a day. However, one day she came in and stopped us from going about making her usual drink. She informed us she had just come from the doctor's office due to severe stomach pains. After a few routine tests, her doctor concluded that she had holes in her stomach lining. His first question? 

do you drink splenda?

He warned her never to drink splenda again because he sees cases like this every day. 

Naturally, I told everyone I knew to stop drinking splenda. but then the warning wore off and I sort of would bring it up in conversations here and there (i.e. when one of my partners would drink it, I would warn them against it). 

Until last night...another customer struck again! He came in and had to switch up his regular drink because he had just come from the doctor's office and was told he had holes in HIS stomach lining due to splenda! 

The moral of this story? STOP DRINKING SPLENDA!!!!!

lately...

- I went to the gym for the first time since Maier...yikes! I am out of shape!

- We bought a mattress pad for our bed and it made it like six thousand times more comfortable! Ex: On Sunday night, Matt's closet rod fell down, collapsing all of his clothes on the ground and neither of us woke up.

- I ate the best peach of my life this week. It seriously was almost too juicy to handle.

- I bought a new dress for our kern luncheon (I'm a senior so I had to find something special:) )

- I moved stores so now I am trying to re-adjust to a drive thru store and new partners...putting on a happy face

- In an effort to prepare ourselves for Office Season 6 release September 7, we have been watching all the offices in order: currently on Season 3 disc 4...

- I have been sulking a lot less :) 

- I got all of my school books in! They look really interesting...and thick....

- I am obsessed with Project Runway. I realize I hopped on this train a few years late...but I can't get enough!

- I realize how annoyed I get when girls over the age of 5 where pigtails. 

- I am realizing that summer is dwindling down...and I couldn't be happier about it...I can't wait to get back in to the classroom and study and write papers and take midterms and stress out :) 

- I love watching What Not To Wear and watching the women (and sometimes men!) gain confidence in themselves

- um countdown to wedding pictures: 10 days! I feel like I forgot that this exciting day was coming! I have been looking at our engagement photos a lot lately and it's getting me so excited to see wedding day ones! ah! I know they will TOTALLY be worth the wait!

- I bought the cutest little short suede boots at ROSS the other day! They are slouchy and SO adorable and they were $16! yes please. 

- Now I have to go watch my husband coach his soccer boys in their first game of the season! Go Tigers!

wait...

I listened to a sermon this summer called "Freedom From The Fear of Man", by JR Vassar (sermon from Feb. 28 if you feel like listening to it) and it has sort of become my theme.

The sermon, as hinted by its title, touches on the topic of fearing man more than we fear God. The pastor mentioned that our culture has become so infatuated with what we think of one another that we have allowed that to trump our fear for God.

I was so convicted by this sermon.

Because I definitely fear man more than I fear God. In fact, I think we would be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't.

Because we fear one another so much, we:

• diet
• shop
• exercise
• put on make-up
• criticize ourselves way too much
• love ourselves way too little

Another key theme to my summer has been the word, "wait". I mean literally it is almost humorous how many times this stinkin word has come up during my quiet times in my scripture reading or my books I am reading. For example, today I read: Psalm 27:14: "wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" As I typed that verse, the song I am listening to said, "I just want to wait on you God". See what I mean? This is only the tip of the iceberg...

The reason I think this word is ringing so true is because I have been fighting an inner battle this summer feeling as though I should have that dream job that all people in my life seem to be landing these days. So many of my friends and family are finally working in their desired field and I am...making coffee....still...after six and a half years...

so my inner self has been fighting and pressuring myself to try to find that perfect job for me.

But I am doing it because I have this fear for man that when they ask me what I do and I tell them I still make coffee, I feel as though they are judging me. I am not wanting that perfect job because that is truly what I feel God wants for me right now. Because God is obviously telling me to

wait.

So, I am finally throwing up my hands in surrender. And it has been so beautiful since I have done so. I feel so fulfilled and feel as though I am right where God wants me to be. The pressure is off. And I am simply resting in God and His plan for my life.

truth or dare...

remember that childhood game?

I always hated it. Well, actually I didn't mind the truth part but I always always always hated the dare part. Because it always required me to perform some ridiculous, embarrassing task that I never wanted to do and usually got out of...so I always chose truth...

and I choose it again today...

When Matt & I got engaged, everyone we talked to immediately proclaimed, "You guys will LOVE being married!" All we heard for 3 months was every phenomenal, wonderful, warm, fuzzy thing about marriage. And I went in to it with the prideful mentality of thinking that everyone else's marital problems would never happen to us because our dating life was pretty un-hindered from fighting or problems...I just assumed it would continue in to marriage with dancing, kissing, sex (finally!), cooking, happy happy happy....

And it has been all of those things at one moment or another. 

But people failed to mention the reality of marriage...

Because Matt & I never lived together before we were married the past few months have been a decent adjustment. So far, I have learned:

• boys have a LOT of laundry
• Matt LOVES to sit on the bed in the morning and put on his socks and shoes (while I am trying to sleep and the bed is shaking as if we were in an earthquake)
• He also loves to lift up my sleep mask (yes, I wear and love sleep masks) to ask me if his socks match and his outfit looks ok
• he cannot sleep with a fan on...dena...you understand the severity of this problem....
• he leaves dirty dishes outside the sink on the counter next to it...hmmm...not in it, not in the dishwasher, but outside the sink all together 

So yeah, needless to say, it's been an adjustment...

My love, Sarah, who is engaged, came over for dinner the other night  and asked me all about married life. and I gave her the honest, raw truth...to which she responded "thank you so much. I need to hear this stuff. because we keep hearing all of the romantic sides of it but I need to hear the truth."


And unfortunately, my longesttimebestestfriendandbridesman, Lee, asked the simple question to me last week, "how's married life" to which I responded with a fifteen minute cry session that was probably way more than he was prepared to hear to that simple question. But I chose truth. I don't want mislead those who are closest to me in my life with this prideful illusion that we are swirling around in the clouds of blissfulness all the time...and his response was the most comforting thing I could have ever imagined...he said, "Carley, every one of my friends who has gotten married in the past year have all told me the exact same thing."

ahhh...I don't feel so screwed up....


The most amazing thing about being married, so far, is that it has driven me closer to Jesus. I mean closer than I have ever been before. And Jesus has become so real and personal to me in such an intimate way.

Last week, in particular, I was having a really rough time. Because my parents moved and matt is in his new, dream job (which takes him away from me for longer than I would like) and I was just having a pity party...and I came to my favorite coffee shop (where I am right now) to read scripture and my favorite devotional, "Streams in the Desert" (by L.B. Cowman) and I just felt God's arms envelope me. Every word I read for the next two hours was straight from God's mouth to my heart. It was such a sweet salve on my wounds and hurts and heartaches.

I am reading this book, Sacred Marriage (by Gary Thomas) which I have blogged about in previous posts, and it is just changing my whole world. It is forcing me to realize that the number one goal in every Christian's life is to glorify God. The same is true in a marriage relationship. It is not to glorify each other or make each other as happy as possible...and I think that was what Matt & I were trying to do for one another. We were trying everything in our power, to make each other happy. But we were not trying to glorify God above that.

The reason this is so groundbreaking is because this mindset forces me to place myself last. always.
Because if I am truly living out the Gospel in my every day life, than I am first and foremost dieing to myself every single day. I am putting my own agenda, happiness and desires aside in order to enable God's to reign in my life and in my marriage. Obviously, Gary says it all a lot more eloquently and beautifully than me so quit reading my blog and read his book!

Anyways, all of this to say we are figuring this thing out. And, at the end of the day I hope and pray to bring glory and honor to Jesus. And the truth is I am madly in love with my husband and so excited to be on this journey with him by my side (dirty dishes and all). 

P.S. here are a list of things I do that probably bug him

• my hair is all over the bathroom. I constantly paper towel our floor but I really do lose hair at a miraculous rate...it's amazing there is any left on my head
• I leave my wet towel on the bed after I shower sometimes
• I make him walk me out to my car before I open at 3:45am because I am scared I will get nabbed
• I still sleep with a teddy bear on the other side of me...and that is the real truth...I just got so used to tucking it under my arm and no husband can replace that little soft cushy bear...

i love...

1. slurpees from circle k. especially sour watermelon.
2. avalynne.

this was right before she blew through her diaper and pooped all over matt :) another reason why I love her....:)

3. my quiet times. especially this week.
4. that matt & I got out of our movie (inception) on Friday night to pouring rain and just simply walked out to our car in it :) we were soaked
5. 20% off coupons at bed bath & beyond.
6. heels. i feel like i was about ten years late to pick up on this female obsession...but I made it. I have arrived. I love heels!
7. that my dad is back in ministry (here he is in the final session of vbs)

 

8. cuddling.

9. that my wedding bouquet was made of silk flowers and I still get to look at it every day as beautiful as it was on the big day.

10. hair spray. my friend dena used to say it was her absolute essential (like if you were on a desert island and you had two things you could take...) now i agree with her.

11. sifting through and vastly diminishing my wardrobe. it feels very freeing to get rid of things I haven't worn in five years.

in other news, we hate that we are now totally done with prison break. booooooo

prison break.

Ok so I know I love the show prison break, but this post has a certain spin on the show, itself....

and I know I am a chronic quoter but this one really has something special...

"Our belief that we should grasp tightly what we need provides one of the great sources of our suffering. But letting go of possessions and plans and people allows us to enter, for all its risks, a life of new, unexpected freedom." -henry nouwen

I wrote a post a few months ago entitled 'forgiveness' and it mentioned a certain painful event my family experienced. Though I fully believe that my heart has shifted toward the people involved in the situation, I have still been holding on to the fact that I was wronged. I have still held on to this experience as though it offered some sort of validation for me. 

Because I was the innocent victim. 

In fact, a few weeks ago the very person who started it all walked in to my store. I had to face this person face to face. And he asked me how I was doing and offered condolences over my Noni's death and inquired as to how my parents were doing. And I was shaking in my boots the entire time. Because I still think my rare sightings of him leave me a bit unnerved. But it was so interesting...

After he left, I had the strongest urge to tell everyone I was working with exactly who he was and what he did. I wanted to justify my situation. I wanted to expose him for the evil deeds he committed against me and my family. 

But instead, I chose to say nothing.

I had this serious check in my heart thinking, what good would it do for my fellow employees if they heard or knew what happened and the history between this man and myself? Why would they care? What would they think?  What good would it bring me?

Because we all have this innate desire to be justified. To be righted when we are wronged. To see the wrong doer receive the justice that their actions deserve. Which is why we love movies. Because we get to see this story unfold but most importantly we get to see the bad guys get tied up and hauled off to jail or sink to the bottom of the ocean. and we applaud.

But the irony in all of it is that, if you allow it to, this desire can very dangerously become a prison you find yourself locked up in. 

And I experienced/experience this fully. I want to hold on to the anger, bitterness, resentment I feel toward this man but at the end of the day, what good is that offering me? 

Which is why I love this quote so much. Because the paradox is that letting go is what offers you the release you seek. It allows you to stand a little taller, breathe a little deeper and live freely.

home...

Last night, we arrived at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona at 7:13pm.

and we are

home.

Don't get me wrong, we had the most gloriously humid weekend in Kansas City with my in-laws and precious niece (pics to come) and even found an afternoon in mission hills (fabulous) and matt bought me this little number which i so happen to adore and am wearing this very moment... and ate at Noodles & Co. (if you already knew of this deliciousness and did not tell me about it...shame on you...) and went to two baseball games and saw all of the Yankees players coming out of their clubhouse in the family waiting area (we managed to keep our mouths closed even though our jaws were dying to drop)  and we sipped delicious pinot noir around a fantastic plate of cheese and crackers after the game,and matt even managed to find me a caribou coffee and woke me up holding my favorite drink,...

But, praise the Lord we are home. I am so happy to simply be able to spend a day off at home, unpacking *(yes, still...don't hate), doing laundry, making a fabulous menu for meals spent in our very own home, escaping to my favorite coffee shop to write, read, etc. I am so happy to put clean sheets on our very own bed and crawl in for my 65th restless nights sleep next to my husband (Unfortunately, I found out after we sealed the deal that mr. matt is a horrid sleeper...he is up every five minutes and shifting around the other four...ugh).

Anyways, I have found myself at one of my fave escape locations, thrilled to spend the afternoon simply writing, praying, reading, pondering, and praising....which has me thinking...

Even though this summer has been one thousand percent jam packed, it has also been filled with nuggets of beauty and splendor. It has been a summer where I have grown and thirsted more than any other summer I can remember. I am accepting and allowing myself to receive God's grace more than I can remember...but the most beautiful thing is I am feeling His love...so deeply...which is also leading me to have confidence in myself...hmmm...I wonder if this has anything to do with what God is showing me through the covenant of marriage...

Anyways, I am going to get back to my lovely afternoon of immersion in books, music, big train chai tea, and thoughts...

Albums, Books, and Babies...

Here is a list of fantastically wonderful things have happened today (and it's only 2:30!)...

• I bought Shauna Niequist's newest book! It is called Bittersweet and, even though I have officially read approximately 3 pages thus far, it is bound to be fabulous...

• While I was packing (more on that later) I turned on the ol' faithful Pandora and heard Colbie Caillat covering Jackson 5's "I want you back"! So phenomenal. And also quite humorous because, now that she's singing it, I realize I had SO MANY lyrics from that song wrong! bahaha

• I bought our niece *(Avalynne, 3 weeks) some of the most darling outfits

• I developed some lovely snapshots from our wedding and honeymoon and trips and one old halloween picture of us holding our little monkey (quite literally) nephew Hudson

• I packed for our upcoming trip to Kansas City...without purchasing one single new item...which is quite an accomplishment for me! 

• I began jotting down thoughts for an exciting possible new venture for me...more on this possibly later...if I am brave enough!

Anyways, we are packing because we are heading out to visit Matt's brother & his wife, our sister-in-law and our brand spanking new baby niece, Avalynne! While we are there, we get to go to 2 Royals-Yankees games and see Mitch *(fingers crossed) kick some Yankee booty in center field. I am so excited because this trip marks the last trip for us for the summer! After this, we are HOME! HOORAYYYYY!!!!

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and I will toss up some pictures of little Ava (already shortening it:) ) once we get back :)

Today...

Today, my husband becomes Mr. Maier.

He gets to meet 50-or-so-some-odd-students who will call him 'teacher' for the 2010-2011 (gosh, already??) school year.

I wish you could have seen his face this morning. As he put on his button down shirt and tied his tie and perfectly placed each hair in to position. He was beaming with excitement. I could practically hear his heart pounding out of his chest. And I had to fight the urge to capture him on camera by our front door with his brief case (the urge was easier to fight being that I didn't have to be at work until 9 and he left at 7:15, so I did not really want to climb out of our warm, cozy bed more than to hug and kiss him and make sure his colors matched). 

Today, he gets to fulfill his life long dream of becoming a teacher.

In college, he naturally declared a major of mechanical engineering, even though that was not his true desire...because it would make more money and it would sound more prestigious and would not take much studying...but he could never run away from the ever-creeping desire and want to become a teacher...

So today is the day he fulfilled his lifelong dream. and I am so proud of him. and so happy to support him.

and maybe...just maybe...i will snap a photo of him coming home from his first day :)

how i long for fall...

It seems that ever since we said i do we have not slowed down. not for one second.



june 12 - get married.
june 13-19 - have a blasty with all of our family/company that came in town for the blessed event.
june 19-27 - aruba.
july 8-12 - atlanta.
july 23-25 - mission viejo.
july 25-30 - help parentals move out of their house/move all of my additional belongings out.
august 6-8 - mission viejo to see the parentals new house & celebrate the marriage of brian & ashley.
august 11 - matt officially gets his students & becomes a teacher.
august 13-15 kansas city to meet our new niece.


it seems that summer has simply breezed by, leaving us almost wishing for fall. because fall means school starts. for both of us. and that means we have to stop and breath and get on some sort of a schedule. so that i don't have to throw out any more groceries because they expired while we were out of town one weekend. so we can have a fun weekend night at home. so we can unpack all of the things in our house that need to get unpacked. so i can study again (can you believe i actually miss studying?!). so i can have that 6 hours of uninterrupted time in the car to school that i actually find myself clinging to. so i can hear all of matt's stories as a new teacher. so i can meet the fresh new nervous and excited kern babies and welcome them to our family. so i can see kaylyn again. oh. how. i. miss. kaylyn. so i can put our dang suitcase away for awhile. so i can make matt's lunch every night and put it in his little lunch bag. so the weather cools off enough at night that we can leave our porch door open. so i can wear boots again. and scarves. and cardigans. and layers. oh fall...please come swiftly...

kitchen aid.

for our wedding, a lot of my family members came together to purchase us this little number...

It just arrived at our door step the other day and I was so excited to try it out :)

For one of my showers, I received these absolutely fabulous jars from anthropologie (actually I got the tools & cookies from anthro and found the coffee jar at TJ Maxx for $4.95!)

Anyways, these jars are some of my favorite things but have remained empty...

until now...

woot woot! i made my famous peanut butter cookies! which, I suppose, I will pass on to you, my dear friends....


It is the simplest recipe ever!

pre-heat oven to 350.

1 Cup peanut butter (I have made these cookies six thousand times & have found JIFF to be the best)
1 Cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp. baking soda

mix all together (*I usually use just a fork to mix it because they generally turn out best when they are not over-beaten but i just had to use my new mixer :) )

bake for ten-thirteen minutes (keep an eye on them after ten minutes, depending on your oven).

oh, and I always add peanut butter & chocolate chips, too :)

Enjoy!

currently...

eating...lemon chicken with feta cheese, asparagus, and whole wheat pasta with a homemade tomato basil sauce (**fingers crossed**)

drinking... so much soy chai. love it.

listening to...florence + the machine (thank you dena), sandra mccracken,

watching...prison break. if you have netflix & have yet to tune in to this little nugget you must watch instantly! (warning: carve out plenty of time) & Seinfeld...well for the future...Matt & I decided it is time to start Netflixing Seinfeld episodes...

reading...Jesus Came to Save Christians, Rob Bell. and Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas and Philippians with Matt.

burning... Pomegranate & Cassis, by Illume (found at your local Target...ahhhh)

lathering... curel lotion...obsessed

praying for... my parents as they get ready for their move; matt as he transitions in to teaching; guidance; zion as he heads out to nigeria; 

unwrapping...our 13-piece pot & pan set we bought at bb&b with our gift card money

hoping for... rain...always rain

worrying about...nothing. trying. I started a new microsoft word notebook for verses I want to memorize and the wonderful thing about these notebooks is that you can have a separate tab for each section of verses...so far I have 3 verses total and they are all under the "worry" tab. exciting!

coveting...this fabulous blanket I spotted at anthro the other day...omg want it so bad but over my dead body...(I am working on not worrying right now...maybe coveting will be next)

i love...

1. sleep masks.
2. my china cabinet.

3. cinnamon sugar poptarts. (even if it did burn my finger & made it blister)
4. prison break. (matt & my new obsession)
5. jackson 5.
6. the atlanta aquarium.

7. the blanket Katelyn made me for my wedding gift.
8. researching nutrition.
9. podcasts. (currently listening & obsessed with Matt Chandler from Village Church. WOW.)
10. food network.
11. my husband.

bubble gum machine God

Do you ever feel like we associate God to a bubble gum machine?

Let me explain...

Lately, I have been realizing that I use God the same way I use a bubble gum machine. Because with a bubble gum machine, you simply put a penny in and out pops the desired result.

I have been feeling like I have dwindled my relationship with my Jesus down to merely a laundry list of requests:

• find my parents a house
• bless my marriage
• find me a ministry position
• bring avalynne in to this world safely
• grant me peace through this troubled time

and on and on the list of requests goes...

but how often do I stop to realize that this God of the universe with whom I am in relation yearns to talk to me, too?

Since my post on suffering life has surely gotten more turbulent.

But I have realized something through it all...

i opened my devotional for the first time in months...

Ever since I was a little girl, I felt like devotions or quiet time was a score sheet between God and me. Like if I did my devotions for the day, God patted me on the head and gave me a treat but if I missed a day, he slapped my wrist. That mindset has carried with me in to adulthood and turned in to a legalism that, at times, can hold me hostage. Sure I have experienced some freedom from this mindset, but it seems like a daily battle.

Well, today I opened my Streams in the Desert devotional, which is particularly aimed toward those going through seasons of despair and drought and here is what it said: 

John 18:11 "Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" 

...

Having your brightest aspirations as a young person forever crushed; bearing burdens daily that are always difficult and never seeing relief; finding yourself worn down by poverty while simply desiring to do good for others and provide a comfortable living for those you love; being shackled by incurable physical disability; being completely alone, separated from all those you love, to face the trauma of life alone, yet in all these, still being able to say through such a difficult school of disciple, "shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?" - this is faith at its highest, and spiritual success at its crowning point.

...

If you have surrendered yourself to Christ, your present circumstances that seem to be pressing so hard against you are the perfect tool in the Father's hand to chisel you into shape for eternity. So trust Him and never push away the instrument He is using, or you will miss the result of His work in your life.

The school of suffering graduates exceptional scholars. 

This is exactly what I needed to read today. 

Because today is a day when I feel life crashing down on me. A day when I feel like putting my penny in to the bubble gum machine to ask God if he will please ________________. But I want to graduate from this school of suffering. I want to walk through this season with a John 18:11 outlook. Not for a cookie or a prize when all is said and done but so I may graduate this school, and enroll in the next...

Georgia.

I have been in Georgia the past few days (hence the lack of updating) and here are a few things I have learned in Georgia...

1. the roads are windy (not like breezy, but like wine-dy) here. like really really windy.
2. the girls all wear really really cute dresses. we came out to here for my cousin's wedding and good grief was there are parade of fashionable dresses. good thing i fit right in with an amazing anthropologie find that is no longer on their website or i would have linked it.
3. monogrammed bags, towels, picnic baskets, purses are the IT thing.
4. there are lightening bugs in georgia! love me some lightening bugs!
5. one word: humidity.
6. they really do use words like "yes m'am" (because as I'm typing this my cousin just answered her mom's simple question that way) and "well I'll be" and "y'all" and "can I get an amen" in every day jargon.
7. two words: baptist church
8. my husband gets a southern drawl when he is here. i mean authentic, think-he-was-born-a-southerner-accent. i realized this for the first time months and months ago when he talks to our arabic friends...but apparently, it is a very chamelionlike-does-not-discriminate-accent that adapts to whichever culture we are around...in aruba he sounds aruban and now he sounds like general lee.
9. three words: front porch swings

We have really had a blast being here. We realized that our Georgia family is just as amazing and authentic and incredible as our Arizona family. I have truly been blessed with some incredible family. and I do not take them for granted.

turned my mourning in to dancing.

ok i know i am like the world's #1 book recommender but i just simply cannot help it.

if you know me, you know one of my ultimate passions is the written word. i love to read. i love to write. one day i hope to have the opportunity to write a book. but for now, i will borrow the masterful thoughts of my favorite scholar and theologian, henri nouwen.

i feel like so many of my friends are in seasons of hurt right now. everywhere i seem to look, someone is hurting. whether it be broken relationships, infertility, job loss, loss of life or lost friendships. and when their hearts hurt, my heart hurts. and when i peer in to my own soul, i see a lot of potential heartache. but for some reason, when my heart wants to despair for my own sake, something is holding me back. because i have such hope that my God has not forsaken any of these situations. His eyes are not blind to our tears.

this is one of my favorites paragraphs from the pages of wonder that are nestled in this text:
ultimate mourning means facing what wounds us in the presence of One who can heal. this is not easy, of course. this dance will not usually involve steps that require no effort. we may need to practice. this will not make the pain disappear. this will not mean we can expect to avoid shadowed valleys and long nights. but these steps in the dance of God's healing choreography let us move gracefully amid what would harm us, and find healing as we endure what could make us despair. we can ultimately find a healing that lets our wounded spirits dance again, that lets them dance unafraid of suffering and even death because we learn to live with lasting hope.



a few weeks ago i went to lunch with a friend who is currently wrestling with the idea of God and Christianity. she told me that she sees all of the Christians in her life as being so happy and she wants to know why she isn't as happy or why she can't have that. after thinking about it for a minute, i had to respond that i do not think what she sees is us being happy. i think she is seeing something else.

i think she sees joy.

because happiness hinges on circumstance. 

happiness can be crushed in an instant. my happiness can be turned to utter rage within one customer at starbucks who orders five cups for one drink because she needs one cup for soy and one for nonfat (so she can put her own milk in because we are incompetent) and needs her tall cup put in a venti for all the extra milk and she needs two venti extra ice waters....see what i mean? happiness.....gone

but joy. 

joy perseveres and sees through circumstance. joy is crying blissful tears through a broken relationship because you realize that at the end of the day you have a Savior who is weeping with you and holding your broken pieces in His capable hands. 

joy is when i want to cry my eyes out because my parents are moving away from me but realizing that God is doing such a bigger thing and rejoicing that He is faithful when we fail to trust. i just found out that my mom, whom i pinky swore when i was like 12 that i would live next door to forever, is moving six hours away. this makes me want to throw a three-year-old-hissy-fit-stomping-on-the-ground-and-screaming. but i am so joyful that God brought my parents a job the month their severance was going to run out. that's joy. because i am not happy about it. but i am so joyful.

joy is an outstretched hand during a sunday morning worship service when life is crumbling down around you. because you realize that you serve a God who loved you so much even when He KNEW you would mess up. 

joy is realizing that this prayer i prayed, when i did not even believe the prayer myself, was answered.

as i have previously mentioned my family has been in a suffer-battle for about ten years. and the scoreboard is something like 

suffering-308206823

block family - 0

but this book is extremely sobering. you see, henri nouwen wrote this book from a place called daybreak. daybreak is a community of individuals who have been cast out of society. they are incapable of living on their own and need live-in, full-time caretakers. they cannot read. many of them cannot even control their own bladders. they understood, though, how to turn pain from an interruption to an opportunity. henri saw these people understand a way to live fully in the midst of their suffering. 

we, on the other hand, avoid suffering at all costs. we see hardship as an obstacle to what we think we should be - healthy, good-looking, free of discomfort. we consider suffering as annoying at best meaningless at worst. we strive to get rid of our pains in whatever way we can. a part of us prefers the illusion that our losses are not real, that they come only as temporary interruptions.(*quote)

however, when i look back at the suffering of my life, i also see the most growth. i see that during those times i feel like i am about to let go, i find another knot at the end of my rope and hold on. 

i know i have suffered hardship in my life. and i do not pretend that i understand or have suffered to the extent what some of my friends have suffered. but i do think it is a beautiful thing when we can put down our masks and allow others to see our vulnerable, bare, naked, broken, beautiful self. 

this year has been a year of stripping me of pride. i often try so hard to race ahead of God's will for my life by taking the bull by the horns and trying to make something of myself to prove to others (and myself) that i am worth it. 

that i am worth the money the kern family fronted for my scholarship for grad school. that i am worth the money my parents forked over for undergrad. that i drive the car i adore to prove to others that i am worth something. 

but a few months ago, when i was driving to school, i passed a semi truck full of smashed cars heading to the dumpster. i mean these cars were smashed by a machine that made them paper thin. and it made me think: how many thousands of dollars were poured in to that car by someone when it was brand.spanking.new? just so someone could drive the brand. 

because our society places value based on brand. and one day, my car will be on a semi just like that. 

but when we truly allow one another to see who we are, something beautiful happens. we enter in to each others suffering. so that i grieve alongside my sister with an infertile womb. and she grieves alongside me when i am in the depths of despair. and suddenly, our suffering becomes a bit more bearable. because we are in this together. 

and our mourning can turn in to dancing.