Philosophy of Ministry.

Four years ago, I was working at my local Starbucks in Glendora, California. It was a typical morning of mocha-making when one particular customer came in.

I had recently learned that I was admitted to the Haggard Graduate School of Theology at APU, and she was wearing an APU polo so it immediately sparked conversation. She informed me that she was on her way to her oral defense for her philosophy of ministry paper. I immediately responded that I hoped I never had to arrive at that same fate to which she question what program I hoped to enter. I told her I wanted to get my Master's of Divinity. She told me she was receiving the same degree and that anyone hoping to obtain an MDiv would not be able to escape an oral defense.

Fast forward four years.

I sit here, at Starbucks beginning to write my Philosophy of Ministry paper. Through the years of knowing this paper is impending, I have gone through so many waves of emotion it is nearly comical. I have been scared. excited. nervous. confident. want to cry. intrigued. hopeful.

But now, as I sit here, I realize that I am so nervous, not because I do not think I am capable of producing something great, because I know how to write a paper. I just want to be proud of my work. I want to enter that room and look my professors in the eyes, knowing that I put my blood, sweat and tears in to this paper and know it backwards and forwards.

And it all comes down to my bloody lack of self confidence. Because the men and women who will be reading this paper have degrees and intelligence that I could only dream of and I just want them to deem me worthy enough of earning my degree. But then I have to check myself. Because I am not writing this paper to satisfy their list of expectations. I am writing it because I want to map out my desired path of ministry for my life.

And I know I am called to this.

So please, if you are a praying person. I beg and covet your prayers. Pray for clarity of mind. Pray for peace. Pray that, as I study Micah 6 (my chosen passage), God will open my eyes.

I promise to keep you posted on my progress, and I may even post some of my paper for you all to read...

Thank you, in advance.

My weekend...

Here is where I spent my weekend...

We had a junior high ministry retreat this weekend and it just so happened to be at this most beautiful cabin in Show Low. A very gracious family from our church allows the staff to use their cabin whenever they need to for planning events, retreats, etc. These photos do not even capture the beauty of this place. It was so beautiful and such a glorious relaxing weekend of planning, praying, gaming, movie-watching (Shutter Island, anyone?!??!), eating, etc.
It was just void of Matt...:( Which made it hard to thoroughly enjoy the weekend...but somehow, I managed to do alright :)

1 Peter 3:15

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect."

May this bless you as it has blessed me today, friends. 

Much love.

11 things @ me so far in 2011...

1. I recently got a stick shift (like a week ago). I have never driven a stick before. Instead of getting better with each day, I think I am getting worse...sigh...

2. I am pretty sure coffee gives me panic attacks. I have been trying to incorporate coffee in to my daily routine and the past two days, approximately fifteen minutes after consumption, I feel like my life is ending & I want to curl in a ball and sob. weird. 

3. I am probably the most excited about the present I got from a family at Matt's school...they gave us grapefruits and oranges from their backyard trees & I think i am seriously in heaven. I forgot how scrumptious freshly squeezed juice could be...sorry simply grapefruit you're not as good as fresh from the squeezer machine.

4. I am currently obsessed with 3 new shows...all since the beginning of 2011! 1) 30Rock. We watched it for the first time on New Year's Eve with my kindred and her husband! (they got married in December so it's still super exciting to get to say that) so hilarious. 2) Intervention on A&E. is it bad if a show about addiction has got me addicted? ...hmmmm....and 3) E! Truly Hollywood Investigates....(insert investigation topic here) Yesterday, I watched E!THI locked up abroad, E!THI husbands who murder and E!THI husbands who kill (or something like that) and I am totally hooked (and also a little freaked that I have a life insurance policy worth far more than my decade's salary...friends, if I go missing...well...ya know...) 

5. I answered the phone yesterday to an unknown number, which I never do, and I saved myself $600 by doing so. Let me tell you why: I recently turned in my old mini cooper for a new one. Upon returning my lease, we agreed that our insurance would cover a small crack in the windshield. After a few attempts of theirs to get ahold of me, they were calling for a third and final time before foregoing my insurance and simply sending me a $600 bill! Thank GOD I answered that call! 

6. I get to make a new friend this month named Tenley Molzahn! She was on the Bachelor when stupid Jake Pavelka was on. She is becoming good friends with one of my cousins and my cousin has decided that she and I would be great friends so she's setting us up on a play date :) 

7. Matt & I have recently began seriously praying about and considering going on a mission trip to Malawi this summer. There are a few trips with an organization or our church is also going and Matt really feels called to go. 

8. I got a library card! First time since I was like eight! I decided I would try to find a few of my books for classes at the local library and turns out there are tons of benefits to having a library card! They have DVD's for free!! so fun :) can't wait til I graduate and I can do serious damage to that place.

9. I made a new year's resolution to cook more this year. I typically am so exhausted from a day's work, classes, driving to and from California, rushing off to youth group, etc etc etc that cooking has been put on the back burner. However, I have cooked every night this week & so far we have spent $24 for the whole entire week! woot woot! I get such a weird sense of pride when I have to run my dishwasher because we have gone through so many dishes from eating at home...i'm weird in 2011...

10. Tomorrow will be Matt's & my 2 year anniversary from our first date. I feel like I'm in junior high still counting our years of dating & being super excited we have made it this far...here's to 60 more years :)  

11. Yesterday, I began my search for grown up jobs. I started emailing department heads of community colleges near us in an attempt to become an adjunct professor! What a hoot. me? a professor? here goes nothing...

5...4...3...2...1...graduation...?

My facebook status currently reads that I am a glass case of emotion.

I realize a lot of my posts lately have probably been a bit emotional and more serious but that's just simply where I am in life. I think I have finally pinpointed why I have been feeling this way...

I am about to graduate.

I remember the past two years, sitting in my classes with the seniors and, when prayer request time came around, they would always say they were stressed about life after grad school. choosing a job. transition. nervousness. scared. unsure. timid. et cetera. et cetera.

And I remember sitting in these classes feeling like, "yeah but...you're graduating! isn't that more exciting than anything?!" 

Now I totally know how all of these seniors who have gone before me have felt. I literally had zero sense of this feeling until 5...4...3...2...1....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! and now we are in 2011...aka...the year i graduate...

I cannot tell you the amount of weight that ringing in the new year carried with it.  Because I am still a barista at a coffee shop. For the past six and a half years that is who I have been. A student. and a barista. and I am comfortable with that. I am safe in that position. But now I keep hearing these whispers of "find a job", "where will she work", "what can you do with that degree" and I find myself freaking out.

And this has me doubting my ability. and my call. and my dreams. and my hopes.

I'm sure if there were some support group for second semester senior grad students, I would seriously feel so much better because I wonder if this is what we all feel. I didn't feel this second semester senior year of undergrad because I had a plan. I knew I was already accepted and enrolled in seminary. But now. I am forced to face my fears and the unknown.

and Satan totally has my number.

I haven't snuck this by him at all. Because I have felt so unsure and unstable and emotional and nervous and scared and anything else but confident in who I am as a woman, pastor, leader, mentor, etc. So I keep looking at the women around me who appear to have it all put together. With perfect dinners on the table every night and a well kept household and perfect bodies and beautiful children. and I cannot measure up. But the thing is, I don't think the women I am measuring myself against could measure up to themselves!  (using my measuring stick)

So I refuse to think that way anymore. This is probably the tenth post I have written like this, but this is my blog and really, more like my public journal of thoughts.

And I don't want to feed you some line that now everything is roses and life will be happily ever after, and my facebook status remains the same, but at least I am a bit more aware of why I am feeling what I have been feeling.

It is also interesting that two days ago, Matt & I began to seriously pray about my future after seminary. And merely two days later, I feel such anxiety and nervousness that I just want to crawl in bed and pull the sheets over my head and hide. Because Satan is trying his darndest to cripple me. and it worked for awhile, and it might continue to work after today. But I will be fighting and praying my darndest to combat his attacks.

Baby it's cold outside...

So, this week has been.....cold 

I have lived in Arizona for nearly 11 years and I do not remember a week like this one.  We were at a car dealership in Scottsdale on Thursday and it started snowing. Ok, being from Minnesota, not one Minnesotan in the world that would consider it snow, but us Arizonans definitely saw snow falling from the sky.

My car has a little feature that dings and flashes a snowflake when it is below freezing outside. That little snowflake has been on my dashboard more than it hasn't this past week. I even caught a glimpse of it saying 27 degrees when I was driving to work one morning. twenty seven degrees?!? in the desert?!?!

So yesterday morning at church, I arrive to tons of students walking with mounds of blankets toward the parking lot. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. During our junior high service, I found out that Phoenix Rescue Mission sent out a tweet yesterday morning asking for blankets, jackets, warm clothes, mittens, socks, etc. because their shelter's supply was completely depleted due to the freezing cold weather. Our student ministries director saw the tweet and immediately rented a Uhaul. That is one of my favorite things. He rented a Uhaul because he had no doubt that our church would rise to the occasion in one day to fill that Uhaul.

After service, Matt and I went directly home to our sweater bins that had been completely untouched. We emptied it out, filled trash bags and headed back to church to contribute to the van. I didn't expect the van to be very full yet because people had only just found out about the need (and we had until 5pm to donate...Matt and I headed back around noon). However, this is what I saw when I jumped in to the van...

So beautiful.

I love my church so much. I am reading a book right now called The Hole in the Gospel. The author talks about how many verses in scripture talk about the poor, homeless, and needy and how these verses go completely unnoticed in greater Christianity. I agree with his main premise but I do not see that happening within our church body and I am so proud of that.

Oh yeah, remember this post? Our goal was to reach 1,500 orphans, which would be $60,000. On Christmas Eve, our pastor reported that we did not get $60,000....we got $183,000. That is enough to feed nearly 5,000 orphans for an entire year! I love our church because I see feet to the gospel. I see that our pastors are steering and directing our church in such a way that it allows us as a congregation to bless those in need. It gives us the opportunity to give of our resources and I am so grateful for that.

All over the valley and all over the country there are shelters in need to clothing. Why don't you take the time to clear out your closet and storage bins of clothes that you never wear and drop them off at the nearest shelter and bless a person in need.