5...4...3...2...1...graduation...?

My facebook status currently reads that I am a glass case of emotion.

I realize a lot of my posts lately have probably been a bit emotional and more serious but that's just simply where I am in life. I think I have finally pinpointed why I have been feeling this way...

I am about to graduate.

I remember the past two years, sitting in my classes with the seniors and, when prayer request time came around, they would always say they were stressed about life after grad school. choosing a job. transition. nervousness. scared. unsure. timid. et cetera. et cetera.

And I remember sitting in these classes feeling like, "yeah but...you're graduating! isn't that more exciting than anything?!" 

Now I totally know how all of these seniors who have gone before me have felt. I literally had zero sense of this feeling until 5...4...3...2...1....HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!! and now we are in 2011...aka...the year i graduate...

I cannot tell you the amount of weight that ringing in the new year carried with it.  Because I am still a barista at a coffee shop. For the past six and a half years that is who I have been. A student. and a barista. and I am comfortable with that. I am safe in that position. But now I keep hearing these whispers of "find a job", "where will she work", "what can you do with that degree" and I find myself freaking out.

And this has me doubting my ability. and my call. and my dreams. and my hopes.

I'm sure if there were some support group for second semester senior grad students, I would seriously feel so much better because I wonder if this is what we all feel. I didn't feel this second semester senior year of undergrad because I had a plan. I knew I was already accepted and enrolled in seminary. But now. I am forced to face my fears and the unknown.

and Satan totally has my number.

I haven't snuck this by him at all. Because I have felt so unsure and unstable and emotional and nervous and scared and anything else but confident in who I am as a woman, pastor, leader, mentor, etc. So I keep looking at the women around me who appear to have it all put together. With perfect dinners on the table every night and a well kept household and perfect bodies and beautiful children. and I cannot measure up. But the thing is, I don't think the women I am measuring myself against could measure up to themselves!  (using my measuring stick)

So I refuse to think that way anymore. This is probably the tenth post I have written like this, but this is my blog and really, more like my public journal of thoughts.

And I don't want to feed you some line that now everything is roses and life will be happily ever after, and my facebook status remains the same, but at least I am a bit more aware of why I am feeling what I have been feeling.

It is also interesting that two days ago, Matt & I began to seriously pray about my future after seminary. And merely two days later, I feel such anxiety and nervousness that I just want to crawl in bed and pull the sheets over my head and hide. Because Satan is trying his darndest to cripple me. and it worked for awhile, and it might continue to work after today. But I will be fighting and praying my darndest to combat his attacks.