It is well...

If you have been reading my blog for a little while you have probably caught on to a pretty re-occurring theme in my life...one that I am not too proud of, but a theme just the same. I have a really hard time loving myself. I hear friends and family confess their sins and I believe fifty thousand percent that Christ's redemptive work on the cross completely covers their sins. But for some reason, I have the hardest time stretching Christ's blood to cover mine.



A few years ago I read a book that was simply splendid. If you have glanced on the bottom of my blog, you will find that I keep a running list of books I have read and loved and would recommend...this book is on that list. It is called Cold Tangerines and I believe it has really gained in popularity during the past year or so (probably because of my blog...jk). Well in one of the vignettes of this book is nestled a little ruby...

Shauna talks about a disagreement she found herself in with one of her friends. As the days grew on and on and the disagreement was not being settled, she found it bothered her more and more.

Because she was the wronged party. She was innocent.

She found the offense tying her in knots and ruining her sleep because she could not believe that this "friend" would carry on with her days with the knowledge that she hurt her so deeply.  So what she did was put her on a hook. Shauna confesses that she found herself obsessing over this hook and fixated on the fact that she was wronged and refused to allow her friend off the hook for what she did.  The ironic realization she came to, however, was that it was upsetting her *(Shauna) far more than it was upsetting her friend.  In fact, her friend continued to carry on (seemingly) with her own life as if nothing had ever happened.

So Shauna decided to do something drastic.

It might not be what you're thinking. She did not call her up and let her have it. She did not publicly embarrass her or attempt to get back at her. She did the opposite.

She let her off the hook.

As I read this vignette I was very convicted about all of those in my life that I have on my own proverbial hook.  I decided then and there to let these people, name by name, one by one, off the hook. Not for their sake.

But for mine.

But what I am realizing that I have yet to do, is let myself off the hook.

I mess up and fail at maintaining some standards I have set for myself but rather than cover it in God's grace and learn from my mistakes, I beat myself up and find it affecting my relationship with God. I put myself up on the hook years and years ago and have tried to take myself a few times but have failed miserably in my attempt.

So i want all of you to hold me accountable to this end. I want to make sure that this time, it sticks.


On Sunday morning, during our worship service, we sang It Is Well (With my Soul) and man what a rush. Because as we sang about all of the things that are well with our souls, I decided that it is well with my soul to receive the love that my Jesus has been trying to hammer home to me. I bathed in his grace, mercy and love and for an instant, I believe I even felt the kind of love I believe heaven will be filled with...and it was well...






 For further reading...


Please read this paragraph from Cold Tangerines as well:

"I imagine that God does that to me, puts his hand on my head, on my heart, on my savage insecurities, and as he does it, he thinks thankful thoughts about me. In my best moments, when I calm down and listen closely, God says, "I didn't ask you to become new and improved today. That wasn't the goal. You were broken down and strange yesterday, and you still are today, and the only one freaked out about it is you."



Amen.