Stirring & Robbing...

So the past month has been nothing less than a crazy roller coaster of emotions.

Our missional community has been going through the book of Philippians. Well, we came upon the topic of what stirs our affections for God and what robs our affections for God.


So, for homework, we decided to go home and discuss with our spouse what things are that stir our emotions for God and what things are that rob our affections. I want to share my list for you and I want you to start thinking this week of what things are that do the same for you. I think the awareness of these things can have a lasting impact on our spiritual health.

**note: things that stir our affections for God are things that draw us nearer to Him. Things that bring praise and thankfulness to our thoughts and mind. Things that rob our affection are things that keep us from dwelling in that Shalom with God. These things do not have to take hours out of your day, they could be things that take only but a second but hinder your relationship with God.*

Things that Stir my Affections toward God:

1) Worship music. I know this one does not come as much of a shock. I could listen to the same Hillsong song for weeks on repeat without ever getting sick of it. I run to the same 7-song playlist every week and it never gets old. I just love worshiping by myself (or in a community of believers) in the car, running, at home, at the coffee shop, etc. I just love. Recently, I started taking my favorite worship songs and journaling them out as a prayer to God. Very affective (effective? don't know which one) for me.

2) Reading the Bible. Not having any length or time constraint. I think those two things are huge for me because a few years ago, I probably would have put reading the Bible on things that rob my affections due to the legalistic stigma I had attached to "quiet times". But lately, the Bible has just come alive for me and I have written down several verses on note cards that I am trying to commit to memory. I love it. Plus, if I am going in to spiritual battle, I better have my weapons on me and, in this season of my life, I find myself in a near constant state of battle.

3) Running. WHAT?!?! This is so anti-what I would have written a few years ago! But I seriously am loving it. Many of you know I used to travel 6-hours to and from school every single week. That was a lot of time spent alone in my car...and I loved every minute of it. Well, running has sort of taken that spot for me. I love the time spent alone, with just me, my iPod and my thoughts. I covet that time now.

4) Rain. Every single time it rains it seriously feels like God is replenishing and reviving my soul. I feel like I am being inwardly cleansed. I might even couple rain with all-things-nature. Whenever I drive up to Sedona I want to cry at how creative and beautiful God's creation is. This is another reason why I love traveling as much as I do because I get to see portions of God's creation like I have never seen it before (ps...apparently we have discovered a new planet that is sustainable for life?!?!?! they are calling it the "goldy-locks" planet because it is not too hot and not too cold, it is just right....praise God! that is crazy!) 

5)  Coffeeshops. For the same reason I love running, I love coffeeshops. I come and sit for hours and get lost in sermons, songs, espresso, journals, etc. etc. Love them. Love them.

6) Theology. Studying theology, for me, is something that greatly increases and stirs my affections for God because I just continue to uncover and uncover more truth. God's word is incredible. I would add to this portion of my list listening to inspired pastors and theologians. I marvel and praise God for the mind that they have been given to be able to communicate and process such deep truths.

7) Vulnerability. In letting other people in to my weakness, hurts, fears, failures, etc I am able to experience the community in which God desperately longs for me to dwell. One specific friend that jumps out in my mind through this season is my friend, Mallorie. I met Mallorie several years ago because she was dating one of my friends. But by the grace of God, Mallorie was brought back in to my life and even in to our missional community. Mallorie is one of the most real individuals I have ever encountered...and I mean real. She has no walls up no defenses, you just see Mallorie's spirit with skin on when you look at her. She is so willing to be vulnerable and invite you to be vulnerable as well. She has walked alongside me faithfully throughout this season of my life and is the type of friend that, when she asks how you are doing, she means it with every fiber of her being. She gives you her undivided attention. For this reason, she has broken through much of my ridiculously prideful exterior and has seen the core of my heart and its brokenness. And in that, I see God. Because in that moment, amidst the tears and hurt, she has stood by me and has prayed for me so faithfully and has been a literal presence of God to me. And I would have never experienced that if not for vulnerability. I hope you all have a friend like Mallorie in your life one day. ...what's best is that she has no idea she's doing it...it's just natural to her. <3

Things that Rob my affection for God:

1) Worry. I could write that one down before I even think for one second. Worry is probably the single-handed most devastating thing that I struggle with in my relationship with God. And several people may dismiss worry or even stand up under that as some sort of twisted pride but I am here to tell you that my worry is a willful sin that I choose to participate in. And it shows my lack of trust in the very God who created me. Because, during this season of my life, worry has become my bread. It has fed me in to fits of panic and anxiety that I have never known. And I wonder in this season, "Where are You, God?" But today, in Streams in the Desert, the verse attached to the devotion was from Isaiah 45:3 - "I will give you treasures of darkness." what? did I read that right? treasures? in darkness? The devotion continues to say, "If you seem to be living in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid. Simply go forward in faith and in love, never doubting Him. He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears." I bolded that hoping that it will jump off the page and bring comfort to your souls. If anyone is feeling alone in this moment, please know that I have been there. Heck, I am there. But I am choosing in this moment of deep darkness, to hold on to God.

2) Comparison. This is poison. I compare myself to people all the time. I compare my blog to other people's (so embarassing). I compare my successes and failures against my friends all of the time. And it is poisonous to me. It gets me absolutely nowhere to see that other friends are at a different stage of life than me and to deem their stage any more successful than where I am. And people can tell me all they want that, "God has you in this stage for such a time as this", "Praise God you didn't get that job because it just shows that he has something bigger in store for you", "God is faithful, He won't give you more than you can bear", etc. etc. etc. the pity responses go on and on and I'm not saying that those responses aren't heartfelt because I'm sure they were, but in this stage of my life, no one can bring the salve to my spirit except God and God, Himself....if I will let Him.
I beg you to run away from the temptation to compare yourself to anyone. Please don't do it. 

3) Laziness. After working early hours at Starbucks, it is very easy for me to plop down on the couch, especially after a long run, and get lost in Dr. Phil for hours. I had to literally pry myself off my couch this afternoon to come to the Coffeeshop because I knew in my head that I would be so much happier after I came here and spent time with music (and espresso), truth, scripture, etc. pumped in to my veins. 

4) Legalism. If I'm honest, I still fight the battle against legalism every single day. It's gotten easier, that's for sure, but it is something, when I give in to temptation, definitely robs my affection for God. 

5) Selfishness. This robs my affection big time. Because it focuses all of my time, effort and attention on myself rather than on God, Himself. Selfishness in a marriage is the kiss of death. And it beckons deeply. I long to focus on myself and on the things Matt is not doing to serve me but, in that very action, I am focusing on myself! How ironic!

This exercise has been something that is very helpful to me. Because having a list like this written out allows me to physically stare this in the face and long for the top-half of this list and run away from the bottom-half. I hope you will all find time to conduct your own list sometime soon. And this list is more of a rough-draft that will probably be ever-changing for me but for now, this is it. Feel free to share yours with me...I find it really fascinating to see how different people's lists can be! PS one of the things that stirs Matt's affection for God is grading math tests....??? precious.

Selah.

Lee

This is Lee.

Lee and I go way back. I mean 6th grade, ridiculousness back. We met at church and were instantly dear friends. We went to camp together and were connected at the hip, forming the type of friendship that lasts a lifetime. He was in my caller ID at my parent's house as "Southdale" (our local mall in Edina, MN) because he was my best shopping friend (in fact, we shared sweaters all the time...we were in 7th grade people, give us a break). We layed out for hours in his backyard and watched endless hours of him barrel racing his horses. We lit Gap "Dream" incense and just got lost in its amazing scent (in fact, I cannot dare smell that scent without drifting back to my younger years with Lee by my side). We never shared a romantic connection but we were always just best friends and I consider him to be like a brother to me. My parents loved him like a second son.

Our friendship tended to often consist of him smoking and drinking and hanging out with girl after girl and me just shaking my head disapprovingly. My heart always hurt for the decisions he would make but I would never give up on him. I hoped there would come a day when he would know and love the Lord.

We graduated and he went off to college at UND where he partied with the best of them. He pledged Sigma Chi and, I'm sure, was the life of every single party. He would fly down to Arizona and we would lay out (and he always got more tan than me...jerk). In fact, I got in to my very first bar when I was 19 because of stinkin' Lee...because he had a fake ID that was impeccable...except that it claimed he was of the female gender....eeek! don't worry people, i didn't drink.

But then one weekend....

My phone rang. and it was Lee. He called to tell me he was taking our friend's little sister up to a Campus Crusade (Christian parachurch ministry) retreat and, rather than driving the hours to and from only to pick her back up, he was going to remain at the retreat for the weekend. My heart did a tiny back flip but then I tried not to get too excited because he was, Lee, after all. The life of the party who would most likely come back with two new girls in love with him.

And then, on Sunday, my phone rang again. And it was Lee. Well, it was Lee but then again it wasn't. It was a new Lee. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember where I was. I remember what I was wearing, even.  He called and explained that he was a new man. He was changed. He told me that he met men on this retreat that he could be more vulnerable and more real with than he had ever been with anyone in his entire life. And he has never ever looked back. 

I prayed for this man for years. I mean years. I would just ache for him as I would watch him live the life that he claimed was fulfilling and making him appear to be so happy and carefree. But I knew that God wanted more from him. 

Lee spent several years working for Campus Crusade and, for about a year has now been a pastor at a church back in Edina. Wild. absolutely wild. I still literally could get goosebumpy and teary thinking about this brother-figure of mine, a pastor! I have seen him tons of times since his conversion but every time it's like the sweetest reunion and just sheer beauty as I watch this man who is so passionately in love with God. 

Anyhow, Lee had the privilege of speaking in the main service last weekend at church and he emailed me the link to his sermon so I immediately listened. The first fifteen seconds were absolutely surreal for me, as I listened to this very grown and wise sounding voice coming from my childhood friend! And I thought, 'well this will be great to listen to'....

but then I really began to listen. and he began to share what the Spirit had put on his heart. And I was left in tears. Because Lee met me right where I was at. He challenged me as if he were speaking straight to me and me, alone. (that's the beauty of the Holy Spirit) And then I realized how crazy beautiful it was that this childhood friend of mine could push me spiritually, from thousands of miles away and I could be encouraged by his words, as I know so many were this past weekend. 

Lee spoke on advent and on what this season means for us. That we should expect love to show up in our lives through this season. And then asked us what we are expecting for and thirsting for that we need to lay at the foot of the cross. Lee shared how he entered a season of his life coming out of Crusade that he struggled deeply with who he was and I am going through that season even now. He was thirsty. I am thirsty. The woman at the well was thirsty. And so often we look for thirst in things that will not satisfy. Lee explained how he thirsted for recognition, comfort, to maintain a good image, etc. I thirst for all of those things. And I know God is kneading my soul right now and it hurts so badly. But it is so comforting to know that my friend, Lee, went through this, too. And so did David as he wrote in Psalm 38:10;15 - "My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes - it has also gone from me...But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer." 

and the woman at the well came, ultimately, to be relieved of her physical thirst, but scripture tells us she left her water jar at the well in order to walk back and tell everyone whom she met. She left the very thing she came to the well requiring. She knew that she had just received so much more than physical fulfillment. Her soul was quenched. And so is mine.

Selah.

ps if you would like to listen to this sermon, you can click here.

24 hours later...

Ok friends. another update. I know. No posts in like a month and now 2 within 24 hours. But what can I say?

I am listening to this song (shocker) called "You are More" by Hillsong and it is blowing my mind:

On the Day I called, you answered me. 
And the hope in my soul increased.
I lift my hands and turn my eyes 
to the God who heals my heart 
and gives me peace.
You are more than my words could ever say
You are Lord over all, over all my days.
I will see this season through, 
I will fix my eyes on you, 
only You, only You


Ok so that's just part of the song and this song is just pulling me through right now.
I am sitting in my favorite place, can you guess? the Coffeeshop. This is my sanctuary. I know I've said that before but, I'm sorry, every time I come here, the Lord just meets me and blows my mind.
And when I sat down an hour ago my heart was heavy again. I hadn't yet opened my Bible today and, even though I listened to a sermon and some great songs while I was running this morning, I didn't feel like I had spent quality time with God yet and I was so thirsty to do so. So I turned on my favorite playlist and then remembered I just bought this new Hillsong album. And that's when this song blew my mind.
Because yesterday and even sometimes today, I did not want to fix my eyes on Jesus or see this season through. But I read a friend's facebook status this morning that challenged my thinking so much. It said:

"My goal is God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road." -Oswald Chambers.

And that thought kicked me in the butt. Because can I say that, even through this season? That in hardship and struggle and pain and hurt and brokenness that God is my goal and not happiness, contentment, joy? And what's more is that "any cost" could cost me my comfort and my contentment and my joy. Does that make sense? because it's blowing my mind.
I think last week I would have read that quote and thought, "YAH! AMEN, GOD YOU ARE MY GOAL!" but this week, when I have hit probably my lowest of low seasons in my life if I can say that quote at the end of the day in the midst of this pain, then praise God.
Friends, I know this trial in my life probably does not compare to some of the things you are going through or have gone through but I hope and pray that whatever season you are going through, you can proclaim that God is your ultimate goal. Over anything. I promise it's worth it.

I'm beginning to love this season. And three days ago I didn't think that would ever happen.

taking off my mask...

During the course of my blog I know I have posted several times about the year I gave up make-up for Lent. It was during that time that I realized how much of me I was really shedding than simply the amount of make-up I wore on my face. Sure, everyone and anyone could visually see me but it was in the simple act of removing my make-up that I allowed myself to become vulnerable to others. And since that time I have really attempted to allow myself to be known by others. Because I feel so strongly in learning from one another and seeing the beauty in the broken.

So, friends, I am broken.

I had a potential job opportunity at my current church and had a huge interview on Monday and, simply stated, I blew it. I mean royally blew it.

And the rest of Monday and Tuesday and half of today were ruined. I had to get part of my shift covered at work yesterday because I could not focus for even one second.

And Matt tried to cheer me up. And my mom. And my dad. And two precious friends came over with a circle k slushie and peanut butter m&m's to let me cry and offer whatever comfort they could. And I even tried cheering myself up. I took a bubble bath and used my finest LUSH products. And I listened to my cheer you up songs. And lit candles. And I went for a run. And I read my typical pick-me-up devotionals. But I just did not even want to, or desire to, pull myself up off the proverbial floor. (well, i suppose figuratively and literally)

But today, I texted my aunt and asked, in a moment of sheer desperation and brokenness, if I could please come over because I was at the end of my rope. It was my last ditch effort at trying to restore whatever smattering of sanity or hope I had left. And so we talked. And 1 o' clock passed. and then two. and then three. and finally, by four o' clock I have come to realize some things that I think I will forever file away in an emergency "when you want to fall on the floor and do nothing else with yourself and you hate yourself and want to throw up and never read anything inspirational" file.

First. Satan is real. He has begged and pleaded me to disown my belief that God could possibly ever care for me. He has tried his darndest (and is even trying now) to make me think that I could ever be part of God's elect. And on Monday, and Tuesday and part of today, I chose to believe that lie. I focused on my flaws and my horrific interview. and my weaknesses. and listened to the booming voice rather than straining to hear the voice of my Savior. Who beckens to me gently to come away. I read a book a long time ago that I have been re-reading the past few months. It is entitled, "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning and it is SO perfect for when you're failing to realize God's love and calling over your life. Anyhow, in one of it's pages, it reveals this verse (and maybe I've shared this before so forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

My love lifts up his voice, he says to me, 'Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come

For see, winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers are appearing on the earth. The season of glad songs has come, the cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree is forming its first figs and the blossoming vines give out their fragrance. Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come.

'My dove, hiding in the clefts of the rock, in the coverts of the cliff, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.' -Song of Songs 2:9-14 This verse has pulled me out of the deepest ruts because, while I fight to believe that I am lovely or that he calls to me, I see through the pages of scripture that this is God's true desire for me. Over and over and over again in scripture we see God's fierce affection, devotion and faithfulness to His people, so why would I be so arrogant to think I am beyond this affection? In our missional community the past few weeks, we have been exploring the idea of humility and what the Micah 6:8 portion of "walk humbly with your God" means. I asked God to expose areas of pride in my life. (warning: perhaps be a bit more prepared than I was when asking God to reveal pride in your life...it hurts real bad) Well He did. He just did it in a really radical way. Let me explain. After I came home from the worst interview of the century, I was soaking in the tub. And, amidst my sobs, a thought came across my mind: "I was so excited to post on facebook and my blog to let my friends know about my new exciting position that I finally had in ministry. After so many years of serving coffee, finally I will prove to everyone that I am worth something.... Oh my gosh I have told so many different people about this opportunity that I cannot face them because I am mortified and so humiliated that I blew it so huge." this long thought was shortly interrupted by this second thought, "whenever people post statuses on facebook, you never see the vulnerable side of them. you sometimes will catch on to an emotional verse or quote posted that clues you in to something that must be deeper that is going on in their life but you never see...'Well, i blew that job interview' or 'I gained 10 pounds'. You see so many people posting about their joys and accomplishments." (ps I am not knocking anyone for celebrating accomplishments publicly...I have probably done it dozens of times myself) As soon as that thought came, my own pride was revealed. Because I didn't want to stand and face anyone (i.e. other small group leaders in jr high, my missional community, matt's bosses, my co-workers, my friends, my family, etc.) and let them know the reality of what happened. I didn't want to let anyone know what had happened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide and no one to ever seek. But I know this post, and my being vulnerable will help someone. Some day. Some how. Second. (sorry it took me so long to get to 2) God's will may be hard to discern, but His peace is not. My aunt taught me that today. When I cannot understand what God is doing or if He is even amidst my situation and my struggling, I need to pray for peace. Because God will grant peace when we seek it out. And my aunt, if anyone, has the street cred to claim that truth. Because, a long time ago, her young husband died instantly from a massive heart attack while he was deer hunting. And then shortly afterward, her house burned down to the ground. If anyone could claim that there is no peace in God, it is her. But she has stood up under the truth that God grants peace that surpasses all understanding and what's better is that this peace will guard our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). Third. Allow others in your inner circle to see the real you. Monday, Tuesday, and part of today Matt has begged me to open up to him about what was going on in my mind. And it took listening to a country song and weeping when he got in the door for him to see my heart. (that pride thing, again) Because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball or become bitter and angry. But I chose in that moment, finally, to let him in. I do this all of the time. whenever something hurts or is hard and people want to come alongside me, my first inclination is to lock the door or drive far away and turn my phone off. But that is my pride. dang my pride. I have nothing else to leave you with other than these words "come away, my beloved, my lovely one come." -God

This weekend...

- rainbow outlet. hecks yes.

- seeing my best friend and nephew (in her belly). 

- so you think you can dance tour. yup.

- dessert with jan & steve gerali. yessir.

- chilling with two of the most amazing parents this world has ever known. mine.

- whale watching at san clemente beach (i guess it's whale migration season). mmmm.

- popeye pancakes. mom's specialty. 

aka we're in california

Lately...part 100

Hi Friends. Man, I feel like every time I blog it is mainly updating on what has happened since the last time I blogged! Life is just great right now so let me bring you up to speed:

• My sermon went really well. I have had a great amount of anxiety since I preached because Satan has tried to fool me in to believing that I was ineffective 
• My manager accepted Christ and asked me to baptize her. Probably my highest honor to date. I still can't believe it! God is so faithful.
• Matt & I went to Hilton Head, SC for a week with his family. So much fun playing with our niece for a solid week :) 
• I am a legit runner! I ran every day I was supposed to on vacation. That, to me, is the measure of a true runner! When vacation doesn't hinder your workout regime :) I am going to kick that half-marathon's booty. I bought a Garmin running watch and it is, in the words of my friend Sarah, "revolutionizing my running". Love it. 
• Which leads me to my next point: I fit in to 2 pair of pants I haven't worn since I got married! woot woot. I still have 3 more pair that are in the I-could-button-these-but-not-be-able-to-sit-down-or-breath-all-day category...
• I am in conversation and prayer over a position at church (more on that later)
• I am the new "announcement girl" at church! haha yay. 
• I am trying to spend more time these days thanking God for what He has blessed me with rather than playing the but-she-has-that game. It's way better this way. Try it. Dare you. 
• Still house-hunting...but realizing that God is so sovereign and so faithful that we are so content right now in waiting...
• Going to the So You Think You Can Dance tour in LA this weekend with my sweet, sweet husband who surprised me with tickets :) God bless that man 

Anyhow, I love you all and pray that you are blessed this day.

sounding board...

Alright my dear friends...I have a confession.

I am using you right now. :)

This blog is going to totally be a trial-run of my sermon this weekend. Both our jr & sr high pastors are out of town this weekend, so they have asked me to speak in their places this weekend...that means I have to preach FOUR times in 16 hours to around 400 students.

So this week has been riddled with efforts to come up with a sermon that would be a representation of my heart all while inspiring these students to love Jesus and not go over their heads...

but this week has been like mental-block-central.

I mean it. I have sat down to study, pray, write, etc. on three separate occasions and have come up completely empty-handed.

I know my topic but there are literally one thousand directions I could go and I have been trying to depend on God for the correct option for this weekend. I have so much passion for this topic because it would have been something that, if I grasped in 7-10th grade, would have changed my life dramatically. what's my topic, you might ask?

Jesus.

:)

Told you there were a million ways I could approach this.

Ok let me be a little more clear on my exact angle.

I want to convey just how crucial this man was/is in history. I want to explain why he had to come and what his life achieved on our behalf. So let me talk to you about it...


In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And it was good. And then He created man and saw that it was very good. Man lived in the garden with God in this beautiful picture of community. He was naked and felt no shame...but three tiny chapters in to this beautiful scene and what happens? We see man eat of the apple and that portrayal of unity is broken forever.

The Old Testament is littered with God's continual pursuit of his people and their constant rebellion. So God gave them the law in order that they may understand what upright living was and the standard for righteousness. But we see these people continually fail, rebel, repent and return to God. again. and again. and again.

The Old Testament points time and again to the life of one man. One man who would live the perfect life that no one before or since has been capable of living. That man is Jesus Christ.

Throughout the Gospels, we see the life, death and most importantly, resurrection of Jesus. But that was thousands of years ago. So what does that mean to me, today?

In short, it means everything.

This man separated history. He has been on more magazine articles than anyone in history. More than Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, any president, etc. And he was one man. One carpenter living in one tiny town. Who claimed to be God.


Acts 4:12 says, "Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."

Through Christ, we have the invitation to live a new life, apart from the Law. The whole book of Romans speaks to this claim but I want to rest in Romans 7-8.

In Romans 7:4, we see Paul the Apostle state that we died to the law through Jesus Christ in order that we might bear fruit. Verse 6 goes on to say that we have been released from the law. And, while this seems like great news, we still have to remember that we all live under the fall of man. Paul understands this and continues in chapter 7 to confess that he lives in a constant state of doing what he does not want to do, because of his sinful human nature.

He says in verses 15-20, "...(18) I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing."

In light of this, we continue on to Romans 8 where Paul proclaims, "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."

Did you get that? there is NO condemnation because of Christ Jesus. We have been set free. We are no longer under the law! and that is the gospel.

But that's the weird irony. We continue to live as if we are under the law.

We live as if our own right living can earn us our spot in heaven. We try to tip the scales in our direction in an effort to earn our salvation, which is the same thing as living under the law all over again.

but if we were able to achieve this than Christ's sacrifice was unnecessary.

think about that. If we had a possible way to earn God's favor through our actions: church attendance, good deeds, walking old ladies across the street, then why would God have sent Christ to live a sinless life to die as our sacrifice? If I can achieve it all on my own, why would there have been a need for Christ? Romans 3:23 says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." catch that? all. have sinned. We all fall short. but...

Because of Christ, God sees me as pure. Not because of anything good I have done or you have done. Romans 6:23 goes on to say, "For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." If you are a believer in Christ, you are seen as spotless. There is a really big seminary term for this, do you want to know what it is?

It is called double imputation. This means that our sins, every single one of them, was given to Christ and, in return, Christ's perfect, sinless life was given to us. So when God looks upon us, through Christ, he sees beauty. perfection. and THAT is good news.

My prayer for all of you is that you would get this. You would catch on to this sooner rather than later. Because the implications of this are life-changing.

If I no longer live my Christian life trying to earn my salvation, than I am freed up to simply love God and read my bible, attend church, pray, etc. out of an overflow of my heart rather than an attempt to earn acceptance. My favorite speaker said this in one of his sermons, "So many of us are religiously exhausted and gospel ignorant." The last thing I want for us is to become religiously exhausted.

But I get it.

I get why we are religiously exhausted because we are trying to do with Jesus what we do with the rest of our lives. We work to get good grades. We practice to get better at sports or musical instruments. We live in a society that values effort and hard work so this understanding of simply receiving something so huge is mind-numbing.

I want us to have lives that are full of love because we realize how much love God had for us in sending his son to die for us!


Ok so that's it. what do you think? please let me know and give me feedback here or email or text or call or anything! you have 23 hours to reply!

Lately...

- We are no longer pursuing our home on Travis :( We received some insider information on the neighborhood that was less-than-glamorous and find ourselves, once again, waiting on the Lord

- My boss decided that she could no longer fight Christianity any longer and decided to believe in Christ yesterday :) :) :) :) 

- I got Matt 3 Christmas presents already! :) I love getting some shopping out of the way early so the checking account doesn't get hit quite so hard in December

- I have lost 6 pounds since I have been running and haven't changed my eating habits one bit (well I am juicing on occasion 

- I shaved 4 minutes off of my 3 mile time :)

- Our small group engaged in a "biblethon" where we read the book of Job out loud in 2 sittings. It was a really cool experience and I would really encourage you to get a group together and try it out. We are going to keep doing it with different books of the Bible in the future and hope to make it a regular thing...if you want more info on how to do it, let me know! 

- I burnt my lip on homemade pizza the other night and have a huge blister now :( 

- Made this pasta the other night and it was SO good! 

- Watched my Vikings go 0-3 this weekend...breakin' my heart

- Got hooked on Mary Kay face wash...the 2 women I know with the best skin in my life both sell Mary Kay so the stuff really sold itself...

- Spoke in a Q&A series at church last Sunday and next week I speak 4 times in both junior high and senior high services

- New Lady A cd? AMAZING. oh man. 

- Just got my new book, The Making of the New Testament: Origin, Collection, Text & Canon, in the mail...woo hoo! so excited for this read, y'all...

update...

So apparently when you set out to do something to better your life all of the evil forces in the world attack. Let me tell you....this week was way more difficult than I anticipated!

I have a few happy things to report, however:

• I washed my face every night! woohoo! 
• I cooked a few more times but not every night, as I had planned
• I floss every day now. <3 it. 
• I have gone running several times this week and today, for the first time, I really saw progress! I am proud of myself and I am not afraid to say so.
• I am still cooking up ways to serve Matt more intentionally but I definitely said one spiteful comment this weekend that had me quickly apologizing/shocked that I could bite back at a man I love so dearly. 
• Our house is definitely more tidy these days but not spotless

Anyways here are my continued areas of opportunity:

• Make Matt more lunches
• Up the between the sheets time (yes, people this is something married couples have to intentionally think about...it's not just sex-time-all-the-time)
• personal learning time...however, I have a feeling I will be hitting Phoenix seminary's library up pretty hard core in the next few weeks as I preach the next 2 weekends! 
• zero starbucks pastries - I have recently discovered the glory that is the multigrain bagel (new recipe!) but this also means I have included the reduced-fat cream cheese (7 g's of fat in that silly little tiny thing still!) 

Anyhow much more to say but I will save it for another post.

ps my devil wart is back...ugh...

It's a new day...a brand new day...

um so picture this with me...

the sky is spitting down snowflakes, your sequence dress is sparkling, the sparklers are being lit and...3....2....1.....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!

and what always follows (besides the kiss, obviously!?!?!)

new year's resolutions.


I have made several resolutions over the years. little, if any, have stuck with me. but there's always next year, right?

Well, Monday was a sort of new year's day for me. as I have been seeking the Lord more and more several areas of opportunity in my character have been made very clear to me. So, monday morning I woke up and declared it a new year.

Here is my list:

• hygiene (so embarrassing to admit)
• wash my face before bed every night
• to aid in this resolution, I purchased a new skin care system from Mary Kay that I am already loving! It makes washing my face fun! 
• floss more regularly

• health
• work out 3-5 times per week (yes, I'm still planning on running the half marathon!)
• wear sunscreen
• eat well 
• luckily, i scored my mom's juicer and i have been juicing away...and i love it! 
• cook more frequently (i.e. every night!) 
• eat zero starbucks pastries. ugh. 

• husband
• make matt lunch every day
• up the between the sheets time...wink wink
• never mock or disrespect matt in public. ever.
• serve intentionally

• home
• less clutter
• make the bed every day
• walk through every room in the house (ok it's a 1000 sq foot apt...this shouldn't be difficult) before bed and tidy up. love waking up to a spotless home

• me
• spend less money
• laziness
• keep up on personal learning...just because i graduated seminary should not mean i stop studying, learning, and loving God with my mind

I realize this list seems a bit extreme. However, I have come to the conclusion that each of these has the ability to happen or not happen each and every day. Each morning, I wake up and choose to make decisions. Whether or not I make these decisions is up to me but here's the beauty...one day at a time. If I look ahead 30 days from now and imagine all of the lunches, face washings, miles spent running, purchases I want to make, etc. I get overwhelmed and feel as if this mountain is too big. But when it is boiled in to daily activities, it becomes much more manageable.

It all dwindles down to discipline. I am, by nature, a lazy person. I love sitting on the couch and flipping through channels while I pin things on pinterest or search apartmenttherapy. But when I lay my head down at night (with my make-up still on) I feel guilty and purposeless. 

yesterday was day #1 of this new me. I worked. worked out. spent time with Jesus. grocery shopped. laundry. made a salad for a dinner party. made an extra for matt's lunch. washed my face. and I lay in bed last night feeling so satisfied with my day. 

So here's to tomorrow... 

travis...

After Matt & I said "I do" we moved in to a teeny tiny one-bedroom apartment (actually, upon looking through home tours on apartmenttherapy, I have come to the conclusion that square footage can go a LOT smaller than our humble dwelling) 

We painted the wall behind our bed the color we created at our wedding ceremony 

During the past year-and-some-odd-months, we have done what we could to make our apartment home. 

And in May we decided it was time to bid farewell to our apartment and take steps toward purchasing our first home. Through a series of twists and turns and disappointments, the Lord made it clear to me that I had zero trust in Him in this department of my life. I had not taken in to consideration that He would want to reign sovereign even in the purchase of our home. But, alas, after several offers offered and all (each thousands over asking price) denied,  we decided to take a month off. 

I needed to clear my head and take time to pray and reset my heart so that our next round of looking could be a bit more Christ-centered and a bit less pain-staking.

two weeks ago we all re-convened at Starbucks to discuss our new plan of attack. Armed with listings, we set out for our first property. This property turned out to be a new home sales office. We decided it couldn't hurt to take a peek.

What we didn't realize at the time was this would be our last home-searching outing.

We walked in to the office and met Kelly, the sales agent. We continued to the second model home and fell in love. perfect floor plan. two stories. quaint. small back yard (bonus). three bathrooms. two and a half bathrooms. great pantry. I could go on and on.

Saturday, September 10, Matt & I signed papers to begin building our first home.

It still has yet to fully sink in for me. But I can tell you that God is good. He had his best in mind for us. He did not have it in his plan for us to buy a house that needed 10-15k worth of repairs to make it just right.

In 90 days, 249 S. Travis, will be ready for us to call home. Until then, I will stare at this picture of the model...

the G.C.

When I hit my one year anniversary at Starbucks, I was super proud of myself (*ok i admit it, I was downright prideful) 
At two years, forget about it. I was so vocal about the fact that I had been there for two years. 

Fast forward seven years.

I am still a barista.

what once was pride and arrogance over a long tenure serving coffee has now turned in to somewhat of an embarrassment for me. I mean, on the surface it looks like a 28-year-old married woman with her master's degree still slinging java. I feel so much pressure to "make something" of myself. Make something of my degrees. Show the people who funded my scholarship that their money was not wasted on a barista lifer.




A few days ago, i got to thinking/remembering a sermon I heard by a man named Louie Giglio at a Passion conference in Nashville. During this particular sermon, he asked those of us who were committed to full-time Christian ministry to stand up. Again, feeling this sense of pride swell in my heart, I stood to my feet (along with about 1500 or so of my fellow like-mindeds). He then asked if we would be seated. Next was when my blinders were removed. He asked those who were not being called to or heading in to "full-time ministry" to stand to their feet. He stated that this sermon was for them. The title of this sermon? "Passion. Purpose. And designer jeans." (you can find it for free on iTunes just type in the title) 

For the next forty-or-so minutes, he explained how invaluable people are who have dreams of working in fashion and engineering and real estate and insurance and every other job that does not have anything to do with ministry on a surface level. And he challenged them to do their job with integrity because at some point someone would ask them why they do what they do and their life would serve as their testimony and platform from which to make Christ known. I was so inspired by this but, again, I knew my life would involve full-time ministry.

Fast forward years and years to my employment with Starbucks Coffee Company. And I have had a crisis of belief. Because, for all of these years, I have been waiting for my ministry to start. I have been waiting and so sad that I still....still....serve coffee frappuccinos.

But then the giglio sermon comes back to my mind. and then I heard another sermon Tuesday that just blew my mind and left me with the biggest smile on my face. I listened to a sermon on the Great Commission that changed everything for me.

The classic understanding of the GC is an understanding to go and make disciples. Which is a perfectly fine interpretation. If you grew up in church you probably heard this all over the place or even donned it on a mission trip t-shirt as you headed down to build houses in Mexico (and there is nothing wrong with that!). But what I heard on Tuesday was this tiny little two-letter-word, go can also be translated "as you go". WHAT?!?! That is a HUGE difference! Because, to me, "go" can mean depart the place where you are and go elsewhere. But "as you go" means "as you go" about your day in your work, hobbies, home, grocery shopping, working out, etc. etc. etc. make disciples! This causes me to second-guess how I treat my customers, fellow partners, employees at clothing stores, cashiers, waitresses, and so on.

When I apply this to Starbucks, it can completely shift my mentality of thinking and approach to my current job. I do not need to wait for my ministry career to begin. In fact, I have a huge mission field right where I am. And I truly believe I am using my degree right now. At Starbucks. I am using my counseling classes, bible class, preaching class, and several of my ministry classes. Now, my heart is still stirred up and passionate about full-time Christian ministry in a church setting but, for now, I can rejoice that God has given me a store of people who have never heard about God or have a very bad taste in their mouths about Christianity. In this sense, as I go in Starbucks, I hope to create disciples. Not converts. Committed disciples.

Food Inc.

Ok. I have never been a big fan of vegetarianism. I feel like God gave us animals to benefit from rather than simply to look at. And I know there are a ton of documentaries out there that could probably discourage me from ever eating another animal again due to the gruesome slaughter they undergo. It is very easy for me to put this out of my mind when I bite in to a burger or a great grilled chicken breast. Sometimes (like once a season) I go to the 1$ menu at a fast food restaurant and purchase chicken or a burger due to the great value.

until now.

For one reason or another I decided that watching the documentary, Food inc. would be a good idea. One of my friends mentioned this film to me while we were at coffee and it sounded intriguing. And I realize several documentaries are filled with propaganda and persuasive speech which causes the viewer to make irrational, emotional decisions or snap judgments. But this film opened my eyes (*they got me).

This was not a film seeking to dissuade its audience from ever biting in to another burger or drink a glass of milk by showing gruesome hidden video clips from slaughterhouses. It simply encouraged the consumer to trace down the origin of the food we eat. I know it is personally changing my perspective on meats or products I choose to purchase.

recommendations:

• eat free range chicken, eggs, etc.
• drink milk from cows not treated with rBST or rBGH
• buy meat from cows fed with grass, NOT corn (trust me)
• look at labels before you purchase random food
• purchase food not processed with GMO's (Genetically Modified Organisms)
• if possible, purchase organic options (this gives consumers the power to send a message to the grocery store that we prefer healthy options) 
• if you have 93 spare minutes, watch the documentary

This film made me conscious of the food that I am serving both myself and my husband. I am the decision-maker of what goes in Matt's body & that is very important to me. This has also caused me to research restaurants I decide to patron. Chipotle is a great option for fast food with integrity. If you have any additional comments or restaurants or products that you know of please let me know!

ps...anyone wanna go in with Matt & me and buy a cow?

on my mind...

"gosh it's hot"

"are there any crickets left outside or have they all broken in to our home"

"watching Food Inc. sure changed my view on eating meat"

"my throat is really scratchy"

"small group was amazing on wednesday night. cannot wait to know these girls more deeply"

"fooooootballlll"

"still hot..."

"pinterest is a fun new hobby...might need a support group for it soon"

"i like listening to matt chandler better than watching any television show or movie"

"t-minus 11 days until apu re-commences and i really feel like a non-student" :( 

"i miss kaylyn."

"i hope it thunderstorms tonight"

"so happy to have a low-key weekend with matt"

"we have been married for 440 days :) "

"pumpkin spiceeeeeee" (partners only! one time it pays to be a starbucks partner)

"it's still hot but at least we don't have hurricanes or earthquakes here"

"i love otterpops"

"sneeze #20482 today"

"i love Jesus."

Be blessed.

Before you read this. Please take a moment to pray. Selah.

There I looked upon the hill and saw the skeleton of a tree. It was dead, barren, lifeless. Full only of sorrow and shame. Where leaves were meant to rustle, silence swallowed hard. In place of fruit, scars ran deep along its hollowed bones. Alive as merely a shadow, it stood abandoned. It had no gardener, no one to tend these scars. No one to speak life into the echoing silence of shame. Its roots searched for life, but found none. Strained and ruined, they too withered and dried. Upon the hill stood a carcass, a remnant of life once tasted, an empty reminder of what was once upon a time.

And so I turned and asked the LORD, “Lord, what good is this tree? Long has it been dead – even longer has its leaves covered the ground rather than its branches. Lord, it stands worthless. It stands without fruit. It stands, forsaken of beauty and withering in shame. It provides no shade, Lord. Its branches shrink with the coming sun. Lord, it has no life. What good are its roots? What good is its seed? It does not satisfy the weary with respite nor fruit.” And again I turned to the LORD and said, “Lord, it has no life.”

And the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY, the SAVIOR AND REDEEMER OF ALL THE WORLD, answered me. “Do not be deceived. You behold no leaves, yet. You see no fruit, yet. It satisfies not now, but too eager are you to call my creation worthless. Oh, how long will you look on with eyes of flesh? How long will you look and still fail to see? How long will you strain to listen and continue not to hear? How long will you call out questions and refuse in your heart to understand? Forget what you have seen, Beloved, and hear the truth. All of creation is rooted in me. From my breath, life is restored. It is not dead, O Loved One. Its roots run deep into Living Water. For I have chosen to bring life into this tree, not for the work or effort it has put forth. No, not for any effort on its own, but because I am GOD. I am the LIVING AND BREATHING GOD. And so this tree shall be living and breathing according to My Name. It shall shade the weary. It shall satisfy the hungry with sweet fruit. It shall satisfy for I satisfy – and not only so, but also shall it bring glory to My Name. Beloved, turn your gaze toward the hilltop and see. It is no longer without life, but sustained with life to full.”

And so I looked. Upon that hill, bathed in the warmth and grace of the LORD MY GOD, once dead, broken, without life, full of shame and guilt, choking on rage and withering with bitterness, now stands a tree with life. Sweet and satisfying fruit hangs from its branches. Syrup like honey drips from its bark. What all scorned, considered wasted, dead, without value, hopeless and weak and forgotten, GOD THE FATHER looked upon with love. By grace, the tree stands lacking no good thing. By grace, what once was dead, now is alive. By grace, what was nothing now becomes new. By grace, the broken are redeemed. By grace, the orphaned are made heirs.  By grace, we know GOD.

Praise the LORD, the LORD GOD WHO REIGNS forever and ever, Amen

by Meg Burton

From http://theburtonblog.wordpress.com/2011/08/03/by-grace-made-alive/

I love...

1. Starbucks iced coffee (took me 7 years but finally...i'm hooked)

2. this recipe. (on the menu for tonight!)

3. my newest nephew, Graham Lewis Unterkofler (coming, December '11!)

4. outback steakhouse. i'm sorry. but it's true.

5. the body of Christ.

6. our small group. such a blessing. 

7. trader joe's garlic & herb pizza crust AND their pizza sauce. AH you must try.

8. my new scarf

9. the documentary, "Fat, sick & nearly dead" if you have netflix, watch it instantly!

10. saturday night service at our church. yes please.

11. slushies. gelato. froyo. ice. freezers. any sort of thing that has any possibility of cooling my body temperature down in this god-forsaken desert :)

the. hunger. games.

ok people.

if you are like me you love a good book. scratch that. you become obsessed, neigh, consumed with a good book. note my fave book list on the bottom of my page.

and a series of books?! forget about it.

I am very passionate about the written word and seriously would prefer reading over watching tv or a movie...IF the author captivates me. A well-written book is like a beautiful piece of art. I so respect authors who can use the computer as their paint brush.

insert Suzanne Collins' The Hunger Games here.

Oh my word i may be late to catch this wave but I am forever indebted to my co-worker, Aymee Shank Roberts for forcing these books in to my hands.

If you have not read them and even more if you have never heard of them, I urge you to purchase them or race to your local library and check them out.

but...

do not read the summary or ask anyone what they are about.

that's how I went in to reading them. the first 30 or so pages were a mass confusion as to what in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was going on. but I would have it no other way. i mean. if you couldn't imagine reading a book prior to knowing what it was about then i guess it is ultimately your decision. but I was so pleasantly surprised going in to it having NO idea what these alleged "hunger games" were about...

***warning...you will become addicted. you will not be able to put them down. so please. make sure you have time to devote to the reading of these 3 books. don't say i didn't warn you.***

the half.

if you are like me, running does not come easily. i am not one of those girls who could lace up my sneakers and run for miles. in a cutesy tight tank top & running skirt. with zero sweat running down my face. oh no. i am the girl in my husband's over-sized shirt. red as a tomato (*mallorie analogy)...you get the picture.

twice i have claimed i was going to run a real. live. race.

the first was a full marathon. i missed the first day of training. (in my defense, it was also my first semester of seminary, which was a bit harder to adjust to than i was thinking) 

the second was a half marathon. which is four weeks away and i never signed up. (which, if you read the post above, i have been pre-occupied not only with traveling everywhere but i have been emotionally occupied)


i am proud to say i am part of a running club, though. we are called the Bean Stalkers due to the fact that we are all starbucks partners. :) we update one another on our progress and are even running the Rugged Maniac in November...if i can embrace getting all muddy and dirty...


one fantastic thing that happened during my summer was the formation of a missional community (90's term would be small group) that matt & i are in. i seriously feel so blessed to be apart of this community. there are 14 of us total. new friendships have been formed, for sure. and God has been so good. remember how i mentioned going to vegas? well, i was fully equipped with the most gorgeous clothes thanks to one of my new friends in my mc letting my have full reign of her closet. another friend of mine, Mallorie, who is owner to the tomato analogy, is about to embark on a pretty intense journey with me.


it is called the half marathon. 


that's right.


my third attempt at running a race. and this time, i have every reason to believe we will find success. because we are going to keep each other accountable. and run our long runs together. our race is not until january 15th so we have plenty of time to train and prepare. i'm sure i will keep you posted on how things are going. and maybe, just maybe, i will buy a cutesy tank for the race.


ps today i read a running magazine, which claimed that drinking a slushie or eating a popsicle prior to running can lower your body temperature, thus increasing your endurance & lengthening your run time by up to 20%! I am gonna try it! (mainly because I LOVE slushies!...and it's like a sauna outside)


run on.

710

hi friends.

i realize it has been a long time. there are several reasons for this:

• california to see matt's brother play baseball
• california for our one year anniversary :)
• matt & i went to junior high summer camp (did i mention that was in california, too?)
• the vegas
• matt & i have spent a ton of time trying to buy our first home

 but alas. we are finally. home.

although there have been alot of trips i would be lying if i attributed my lack of blogging simply to being out of town. i have actually been drafting several posts for a few days but keep coming up empty-handed. because this summer has, ultimately, been...hard.

i just recently read my "lessons" post and, as easy as it is to read those lessons it is ten thousand times harder to live them out. if you are close to me you have probably received a frantic text (i would say phone call but if you know me even more you know i hate the phone.) from me begging your prayers as I wade through some really difficult stuff. 

while vacations are always refreshing and fun. they can also really mess up a girl's routine. and when my routine is messed up, it means self loathing is not far behind. because, when left to my own devices, i am lazy. i like to sit on the couch and read a book for an entire weekend. i could sleep in until 11am (as i realized several times the past few weeks). and the list of laziness goes on and on. but along with that laziness comes a deep hatred for myself. which leads to vulnerability. which leads to spiritual attack.  and none of those things add up to much inspiration to write a blog.


because, when you think of blogs, they are polished. manicured. inspiring. pretty. and, lately, i have felt none of those things.


there have been a choice few people who have spoken in to this vulnerable place in my heart. and i am so thankful for them. in one particularly scary time, in a moment of desperation, i texted a woman i work with, who is a prayer warrior. i told her i was feeling a ridiculous amount of spiritual attack and she so wisely reminded me that i am a child of God most High. and that, most importantly, Satan is the father of lies.


and then, monday night my sister-in-law reminded me that i cannot allow the enemy to second guess myself. more truth.


even while i write this, satan is speaking in my ear that no one wants to read more of my dramatic posts that always follow this same trend of fear to freedom. only to slip back to fear.


but i think, more than entering a season where i finally am out of this valley i am looking forward to being strong enough to stand up right here. in this season. and warning satan that i have God most High in my corner.


when i stray from God, i begin to talk myself in to believing God could never love me. so, on tuesday, before i closed at my store, i decided to dust off an old book of mine called the furious longing of God (by brennan manning). mind you, i was at the end of my rope. i genuinely thought God simply washed his hands of me. and then my eyes fell on this first page of the book which held this verse.

i am my beloved's, 

and his desire is for

me. 

Song of Solomon 7:10

 i shut the book, knowing that was all i needed to read that day.

so i stand, somewhat feebly, on this truth. in fact, i wrote 710 on my hand in permanent marker. because i know that my mind wanders but i want to be tethered to this truth. that i belong to God. and better yet, his desire is for me.

confession (& home remedy!)

Ok, I have something extremely embarrassing to confess....



About 2 months ago, I got a wart on my finger!

At first, I thought it was a blister so I would try to peel it off but it kept stinkin' coming back. I resigned to the fact that it was, indeed, the first wart of my life. And, of course, it had to appear on my ring finger on my left hand! ugh! why couldn't it be any other finger?!?!

So, I went to target to look in the first aid aisle hoping to find some wart removal options. I found a Dr. Scholl's 10-day treatment pack but it was like $13 and I did not want to give my wart the satisfaction of $13 that could be spent on so many other things. I didn't want to go to a doctor and have it painfully removed. That would probably be even more expensive. So I came home and googled it. I found a plethora of home remedies including banana peels, garlic, vitamin c, etc.

Then I found one fascinating entry from someone who swore by apple cider vinegar.

Apple Cider Vinegar?!?! weird! but I decided to try it.

I bought apple cider vinegar (.97 cents at Wal-Mart) and athletic tape ($2) and used cotton balls (already in my house). For three days, I constantly wore this salve (warning....it's stinky!), applied tightly to my finger (changing it approximately 5 times daily) and by day four....

It was GONE.

I kid you not. It turned black (graphic...sorry) and fell off!!!!!

So if you are plagued with this embarrassing little virus, fret no more!  Apple Cider Vinegar!

lessons.

My sweet friends I apologize for my absence.  I also want to thank you for the sweet words from so many of you as I have bumped in to you around town or received sweet facebook messages. It is a blessing to be able to share my story and use it as a way to grow and learn together.

I am sitting here, Carley Maier, Mdiv. :), in my favorite local shop completely alone. The past month has been so full of emotions of every size, shape, and color that I am pretty sure any therapist would most surely diagnose multiple personality in me. Here are a few lessons I have learned: (mind you, I know several of these will sound so ridiculously cliche and "churchy" but alas, they are my heart)

1) Jesus loves me. If you have read my blog for any period of time you have probably come to realize that I have struggled with this reality my entire life. I cannot wrap my mind around a holy, sovereign God loving me and being absolutely wild about... me. Don't say I didn't warn you. This sounds cliche. Of course God loves us. I mean it's probably the first verse we learned in our lives. "For God so loved the world He sent his only begotten (that's a deep word for toddlers?) Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." So we hear and memorize these words from three years old but are we able to grasp the severity of their weight? I hope you have. But for me, it has been a lifelong battle. Because every time I slip up and do that thing that I always wage war with and lose, I submit to the seeming reality that I am beyond God's love.
Since graduating in the beginning of May, I have been blessed cursed with the gift of time. No longer am I stressed to the max to finish that assignment or write that paper. And I say this is a blessing but really a curse (but really a blessing) because it has forced me to come face to face with my inner demons that are much more easily suppressed when I am busy. For example: my entire extended family excels at worrying and anxiety. We are pro's. I dare your family to challenge my family to a worry war. We will smash you. And I am not proud of that. This is a discipline I have to keep in check every single day. That being said, here is my next lesson:
2) Daily time with the Lord is crucial. Ok, clearly cliche. We also grew up hearing this from infancy. And, again, if you have read my blog, this became quite a detriment to my relationship with God. Because I began to view my relationship with God as a check off the "to do" list or a jewel in my crown. But this is the opposite of what it has become to me. I have viewed my personal time with God (which, by the way consists of prayer, journaling, reading "Streams in the Desert", "Jesus Lives" (can I even put a parenthesis inside of another parenthesis? oh well, it's my blog both of these are daily devotionals), "Think" by John Piper, the daily Psalm, the daily Proverb, and wherever the Spirit guides me for personal biblical study (which happened to be the biblical books of Ruth and Esther this month. I almost always come to this coffeeshop and plug in my earbuds to my "inspire me" playlist.) as my anchor. Don't believe me? I can prove it. Last week, I had my time of study Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday but failed to do so the rest of the week. By today I felt so anxious, worried, out of control that, out of sheer desperation, I came to this place and had to journal it out for quite some time before I could even begin. I felt so unraveled that I did not even know where to start. And then I began reading "Streams" and oh my gosh. It met me exactly where I was. Here is the verse that coincided with the reading: "They were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress" -Psalm 107:27-28. Praise Jesus. And the poem today was entitled, "Wits' End Corner".

3. Happiness is a choice. Now, if you ask my husband or even possibly my store manager they would laugh completely when they read this lesson. Because, quite frankly, I do not often choose happiness. I choose to be frazzled, scared, angry, sad, alone, stressed (remember...multiple personality) etc. I believe happiness to be a discipline. Sure, we all go through seasons when happiness is not seemingly an option and there are seasons where that is entirely appropriate. But, for me, my attitude is a direct result to my lack of trust in Christ. (aka sin). I am listening to a song even now, entitled "Choose" by Christy Nockels (fave). It explains how she chooses to be in love with Christ. And, as if we need to choose to be in love with Christ, she chronicles what this looks like. Please, if you are going through a specific season in your life where happiness is simply not a choice I beg you to invite someone nearest you in to your pain. Because Satan thrives in our isolation. I have sensed this even in my own life throughout the past month. Because Matt has been working crazy tutoring hours (because we are trying to buy a house! hip! hip!) which means I am alone until around 8:30 or 9pm most nights. Because my parents live far away. Because my best friend is out of the country. And during this time, I am prey to Satan and the thoughts he entices me with: "You are never going to find a job in ministry". "How could you ever think God could love you when you ________." "Matt is tutoring because he would rather be out of the house". "Why are you not praying more". and on and on the thoughts go, often deeper and deeper until I either wind up in tears or on my knees in prayer.
which leads me to my last lesson I have learned in this crazy emotional rollercoaster month:

4. God is in control. ah. So cliche. yet so true. When I am still enough and quiet enough to hear the words of Christ I consistently hear, "Wait on me. I will provide. Let me have control in this situation." And my fear and anxiety subsides enough to give way to the most comforting feeling of the sustaining love of Christ. If you have experienced a graduation season you probably know that it is accompanied with inquiries from friends, family, even strangers as to what life has next for you. I have wanted to screenprint a t-shirt that politely asks people to refrain from succumbing to this enticing question because i don't know!!!!!!!! And in this society that prizes worldly success it is not exactly comforting to inform people that my next steps have yet to be determined. And, again, when I spend a few days apart from my time with the Lord, I become unglued. But in the beautiful moments of clarity I so clearly hear the Lord tell me that He is my provider and my refuge. He is in control. And I get a few chances to breathe deeply and feel nothing but sheer excitement that this next season of my life is uncertain. But I know who holds my future. And that, to me, is beautiful.

So friends, if you are experiencing a time of confusion, anxiety, worry, etc. I could not beg you more strongly to dive in to the person of Jesus and the truths found in scripture. Selah.

oh. justin.

you must watch this until the very end... approximately 4:19 or so....

I have resigned to the reality that whenever I open at my store (my alarm is set for 2:42am) I am extremely susceptible to spiritual attack. I have noticed this trend happening more and more lately and I am wondering if it is because I am so physically exhausted (and naps don't really help). After finishing up at work today, I headed home and zoned out for literally two hours just staring in to nothingness, feeling anxious, overwhelmed, scared, not-enough, just...attacked. So I tried to nap. I still woke up feeling off. Rather than staring I decided to get up and busy myself by emptying the dishwasher, tidying up odds and ends around the house, etc. but I still felt anxious. So I sat down and read Streams in the Desert praying that I would come away with a sense of calm. ding ding ding! The poem at the end of the vignette said this:

Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Seeking all His fullness, whatever the cost;
Cutting all the moorings, launching in the deep
Of His mighty power - strong to save and keep

Utterly abandoned to the Holy Ghost!
Oh! The sinking, sinking, until self is lost!
Until the emptied vessel is broken at His feet;
Waiting till His filling shall make the work complete.

Utterly abandoned to the will of God;
Seeking for no other path than my Master trod;
Leaving ease and pleasure, making Him my choice,
Waiting for His guidance, listening for His voice.

Utterly Abandoned! No will of my own;
For time and for eternity, His, and His alone;
All my plans and purposes lost in His sweet will,
Having nothing, yet in Him all possessing still.

Utterly abandoned! It's so sweet to be
Captive in His bonds of love yet wondrously free;
Free from sin's entanglements, free from doubt and fear,
Free from every worry, burden, grief or care.

Utterly abandoned! Oh, the rest is sweet,
As I tarry, waiting, at His blessed feet;
Waiting for the coming of the Guest divine,
Who my inmost being will perfectly refine.

Lo He comes and fills me, Holy Spirit sweet!
I, in Him, am satisfied! I, in Him, complete!
And the light within my soul will nevermore grow dim
While I keep my covenant - abandoned unto Him!"


I simply do not know where I would be on my rough days without Christ acting as my refuge. I am so humbled by this reality day in and day out. O, Praise Him.

crafty time...

I have had this apothecary-esque cabinet/dresser since I was in high school. It has followed me around for the past few apartments and currently sits in the hallway to our bathroom....one problem...

it is ugly as all get out! I painted it with little stars and suns one day because I thought it was super cute...but I was wrong...

don't believe me? check this thing out...

So for the past few years I have wanted to fix it somehow but never got around to it. And when it followed us to our new apartment and takes up a prominent place in our apartment, I vowed it would be the first thing I did when I got a free day...that day came today!

I spent the day running to hobby lobby (twice) and sanding and sanding and sanding some more...I seriously didn't even go to the gym because I was a sanding machine! but it was totally worth it...because here is the finished product! for the total price of $15.72!

On the cusp and at the tale...

So I am on the tail end of something and the cusp of something else.

On the one end, I am ending my career as a student. I have been a student for approximately 25 years of my life. During those 25 years, I have experienced several highs and several lows. Through it all, I can honestly say that I love being a student. I thrive in a classroom setting and eagerly approach homework (call me crazy, I know) and papers.  I learned through taking the Strengths Finder that one of my strengths is that I am a Learner. Knowing that, at this point, I am at the end of my educational road is a very sad thing for me, actually. Now that graduation is so close, so many of my friends, co-workers and family are asking me how excited I am about graduating. Each time these questions are posed, I literally have to bite my lip and hold back tears because I am so not excited.

Well, I am and I am not, simultaneously.

I am looking forward to engaging in friendships that I have wanted to strengthen but had to study.
I am looking forward to sleeping in the same bed as Matt every night of the week.
I am looking forward to having more time in my day.
I am looking forward to finding a small group that Matt & I can be in because I won't be in California two nights of the week.
I am looking forward to reading books I want to read and study topics I want to study.
I am looking forward to watching every NFL game next season because I had to drive during almost every Sunday game and had class til 10pm for Monday night football.

but...

I will miss driving, for five hours, all by myself, listening to sermons and praising God for five un-interrupted hours.
I will miss participating in intellectually stimulating conversations with classmates of all ages, nationalities, denominations, etc.
I will miss seeing those who have become so dear to me for the past three years.
I will miss the theology library at APU more than I can even say. Can't think about that one yet.


So while I am on the tale end of seminary, I find myself at the cusp of being in a "grown up" job! Exciting! I cannot wait to put the things I have learned for the past three years to use. And even though I will not be writing papers or reading books for exams anymore, I can still love God with my mind on my own.

I keep remembering my "seasons" post from a week or so ago. I seriously wrote that post more for me than anyone. Because I realize right now that my season is changing. And I am trying so hard to praise Jesus for every day. Last week I found myself on the brink of an anxiety attack because big girl jobs are scary, especially when I'm not sure where I will end up, and I had to remind myself that even this is a season.

So whether on the cusp or at the tale end, I will trust that my God is not surprised by any of this. I will graduate and I will find a job but through it all, God will be there.

One of my kindreds shared a verse with me awhile ago that has really comforted me.

Through the dangers and fears of escaping Egyptian enslavement, the Israelites came upon the Red Sea. This sea was vast. It was huge. It was scary. But Moses says to this people, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14)

This verse has remained in my mind (and inscribed in blue pen on my hand) and has brought my anxiety level down when I am too scared to think about the future. I know that I serve the same God who brought the Israelites through the Red Sea and He can certainly bring me through seminary and in to a job.


ps. I just saved $20 couponing :)