710

hi friends.

i realize it has been a long time. there are several reasons for this:

• california to see matt's brother play baseball
• california for our one year anniversary :)
• matt & i went to junior high summer camp (did i mention that was in california, too?)
• the vegas
• matt & i have spent a ton of time trying to buy our first home

 but alas. we are finally. home.

although there have been alot of trips i would be lying if i attributed my lack of blogging simply to being out of town. i have actually been drafting several posts for a few days but keep coming up empty-handed. because this summer has, ultimately, been...hard.

i just recently read my "lessons" post and, as easy as it is to read those lessons it is ten thousand times harder to live them out. if you are close to me you have probably received a frantic text (i would say phone call but if you know me even more you know i hate the phone.) from me begging your prayers as I wade through some really difficult stuff. 

while vacations are always refreshing and fun. they can also really mess up a girl's routine. and when my routine is messed up, it means self loathing is not far behind. because, when left to my own devices, i am lazy. i like to sit on the couch and read a book for an entire weekend. i could sleep in until 11am (as i realized several times the past few weeks). and the list of laziness goes on and on. but along with that laziness comes a deep hatred for myself. which leads to vulnerability. which leads to spiritual attack.  and none of those things add up to much inspiration to write a blog.


because, when you think of blogs, they are polished. manicured. inspiring. pretty. and, lately, i have felt none of those things.


there have been a choice few people who have spoken in to this vulnerable place in my heart. and i am so thankful for them. in one particularly scary time, in a moment of desperation, i texted a woman i work with, who is a prayer warrior. i told her i was feeling a ridiculous amount of spiritual attack and she so wisely reminded me that i am a child of God most High. and that, most importantly, Satan is the father of lies.


and then, monday night my sister-in-law reminded me that i cannot allow the enemy to second guess myself. more truth.


even while i write this, satan is speaking in my ear that no one wants to read more of my dramatic posts that always follow this same trend of fear to freedom. only to slip back to fear.


but i think, more than entering a season where i finally am out of this valley i am looking forward to being strong enough to stand up right here. in this season. and warning satan that i have God most High in my corner.


when i stray from God, i begin to talk myself in to believing God could never love me. so, on tuesday, before i closed at my store, i decided to dust off an old book of mine called the furious longing of God (by brennan manning). mind you, i was at the end of my rope. i genuinely thought God simply washed his hands of me. and then my eyes fell on this first page of the book which held this verse.

i am my beloved's, 

and his desire is for

me. 

Song of Solomon 7:10

 i shut the book, knowing that was all i needed to read that day.

so i stand, somewhat feebly, on this truth. in fact, i wrote 710 on my hand in permanent marker. because i know that my mind wanders but i want to be tethered to this truth. that i belong to God. and better yet, his desire is for me.