taking off my mask...

During the course of my blog I know I have posted several times about the year I gave up make-up for Lent. It was during that time that I realized how much of me I was really shedding than simply the amount of make-up I wore on my face. Sure, everyone and anyone could visually see me but it was in the simple act of removing my make-up that I allowed myself to become vulnerable to others. And since that time I have really attempted to allow myself to be known by others. Because I feel so strongly in learning from one another and seeing the beauty in the broken.

So, friends, I am broken.

I had a potential job opportunity at my current church and had a huge interview on Monday and, simply stated, I blew it. I mean royally blew it.

And the rest of Monday and Tuesday and half of today were ruined. I had to get part of my shift covered at work yesterday because I could not focus for even one second.

And Matt tried to cheer me up. And my mom. And my dad. And two precious friends came over with a circle k slushie and peanut butter m&m's to let me cry and offer whatever comfort they could. And I even tried cheering myself up. I took a bubble bath and used my finest LUSH products. And I listened to my cheer you up songs. And lit candles. And I went for a run. And I read my typical pick-me-up devotionals. But I just did not even want to, or desire to, pull myself up off the proverbial floor. (well, i suppose figuratively and literally)

But today, I texted my aunt and asked, in a moment of sheer desperation and brokenness, if I could please come over because I was at the end of my rope. It was my last ditch effort at trying to restore whatever smattering of sanity or hope I had left. And so we talked. And 1 o' clock passed. and then two. and then three. and finally, by four o' clock I have come to realize some things that I think I will forever file away in an emergency "when you want to fall on the floor and do nothing else with yourself and you hate yourself and want to throw up and never read anything inspirational" file.

First. Satan is real. He has begged and pleaded me to disown my belief that God could possibly ever care for me. He has tried his darndest (and is even trying now) to make me think that I could ever be part of God's elect. And on Monday, and Tuesday and part of today, I chose to believe that lie. I focused on my flaws and my horrific interview. and my weaknesses. and listened to the booming voice rather than straining to hear the voice of my Savior. Who beckens to me gently to come away. I read a book a long time ago that I have been re-reading the past few months. It is entitled, "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning and it is SO perfect for when you're failing to realize God's love and calling over your life. Anyhow, in one of it's pages, it reveals this verse (and maybe I've shared this before so forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

My love lifts up his voice, he says to me, 'Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come

For see, winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers are appearing on the earth. The season of glad songs has come, the cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree is forming its first figs and the blossoming vines give out their fragrance. Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come.

'My dove, hiding in the clefts of the rock, in the coverts of the cliff, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.' -Song of Songs 2:9-14 This verse has pulled me out of the deepest ruts because, while I fight to believe that I am lovely or that he calls to me, I see through the pages of scripture that this is God's true desire for me. Over and over and over again in scripture we see God's fierce affection, devotion and faithfulness to His people, so why would I be so arrogant to think I am beyond this affection? In our missional community the past few weeks, we have been exploring the idea of humility and what the Micah 6:8 portion of "walk humbly with your God" means. I asked God to expose areas of pride in my life. (warning: perhaps be a bit more prepared than I was when asking God to reveal pride in your life...it hurts real bad) Well He did. He just did it in a really radical way. Let me explain. After I came home from the worst interview of the century, I was soaking in the tub. And, amidst my sobs, a thought came across my mind: "I was so excited to post on facebook and my blog to let my friends know about my new exciting position that I finally had in ministry. After so many years of serving coffee, finally I will prove to everyone that I am worth something.... Oh my gosh I have told so many different people about this opportunity that I cannot face them because I am mortified and so humiliated that I blew it so huge." this long thought was shortly interrupted by this second thought, "whenever people post statuses on facebook, you never see the vulnerable side of them. you sometimes will catch on to an emotional verse or quote posted that clues you in to something that must be deeper that is going on in their life but you never see...'Well, i blew that job interview' or 'I gained 10 pounds'. You see so many people posting about their joys and accomplishments." (ps I am not knocking anyone for celebrating accomplishments publicly...I have probably done it dozens of times myself) As soon as that thought came, my own pride was revealed. Because I didn't want to stand and face anyone (i.e. other small group leaders in jr high, my missional community, matt's bosses, my co-workers, my friends, my family, etc.) and let them know the reality of what happened. I didn't want to let anyone know what had happened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide and no one to ever seek. But I know this post, and my being vulnerable will help someone. Some day. Some how. Second. (sorry it took me so long to get to 2) God's will may be hard to discern, but His peace is not. My aunt taught me that today. When I cannot understand what God is doing or if He is even amidst my situation and my struggling, I need to pray for peace. Because God will grant peace when we seek it out. And my aunt, if anyone, has the street cred to claim that truth. Because, a long time ago, her young husband died instantly from a massive heart attack while he was deer hunting. And then shortly afterward, her house burned down to the ground. If anyone could claim that there is no peace in God, it is her. But she has stood up under the truth that God grants peace that surpasses all understanding and what's better is that this peace will guard our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). Third. Allow others in your inner circle to see the real you. Monday, Tuesday, and part of today Matt has begged me to open up to him about what was going on in my mind. And it took listening to a country song and weeping when he got in the door for him to see my heart. (that pride thing, again) Because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball or become bitter and angry. But I chose in that moment, finally, to let him in. I do this all of the time. whenever something hurts or is hard and people want to come alongside me, my first inclination is to lock the door or drive far away and turn my phone off. But that is my pride. dang my pride. I have nothing else to leave you with other than these words "come away, my beloved, my lovely one come." -God