On the cusp and at the tale...

So I am on the tail end of something and the cusp of something else.

On the one end, I am ending my career as a student. I have been a student for approximately 25 years of my life. During those 25 years, I have experienced several highs and several lows. Through it all, I can honestly say that I love being a student. I thrive in a classroom setting and eagerly approach homework (call me crazy, I know) and papers.  I learned through taking the Strengths Finder that one of my strengths is that I am a Learner. Knowing that, at this point, I am at the end of my educational road is a very sad thing for me, actually. Now that graduation is so close, so many of my friends, co-workers and family are asking me how excited I am about graduating. Each time these questions are posed, I literally have to bite my lip and hold back tears because I am so not excited.

Well, I am and I am not, simultaneously.

I am looking forward to engaging in friendships that I have wanted to strengthen but had to study.
I am looking forward to sleeping in the same bed as Matt every night of the week.
I am looking forward to having more time in my day.
I am looking forward to finding a small group that Matt & I can be in because I won't be in California two nights of the week.
I am looking forward to reading books I want to read and study topics I want to study.
I am looking forward to watching every NFL game next season because I had to drive during almost every Sunday game and had class til 10pm for Monday night football.

but...

I will miss driving, for five hours, all by myself, listening to sermons and praising God for five un-interrupted hours.
I will miss participating in intellectually stimulating conversations with classmates of all ages, nationalities, denominations, etc.
I will miss seeing those who have become so dear to me for the past three years.
I will miss the theology library at APU more than I can even say. Can't think about that one yet.


So while I am on the tale end of seminary, I find myself at the cusp of being in a "grown up" job! Exciting! I cannot wait to put the things I have learned for the past three years to use. And even though I will not be writing papers or reading books for exams anymore, I can still love God with my mind on my own.

I keep remembering my "seasons" post from a week or so ago. I seriously wrote that post more for me than anyone. Because I realize right now that my season is changing. And I am trying so hard to praise Jesus for every day. Last week I found myself on the brink of an anxiety attack because big girl jobs are scary, especially when I'm not sure where I will end up, and I had to remind myself that even this is a season.

So whether on the cusp or at the tale end, I will trust that my God is not surprised by any of this. I will graduate and I will find a job but through it all, God will be there.

One of my kindreds shared a verse with me awhile ago that has really comforted me.

Through the dangers and fears of escaping Egyptian enslavement, the Israelites came upon the Red Sea. This sea was vast. It was huge. It was scary. But Moses says to this people, "The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still." (Exodus 14:14)

This verse has remained in my mind (and inscribed in blue pen on my hand) and has brought my anxiety level down when I am too scared to think about the future. I know that I serve the same God who brought the Israelites through the Red Sea and He can certainly bring me through seminary and in to a job.


ps. I just saved $20 couponing :)