lessons.

My sweet friends I apologize for my absence.  I also want to thank you for the sweet words from so many of you as I have bumped in to you around town or received sweet facebook messages. It is a blessing to be able to share my story and use it as a way to grow and learn together.

I am sitting here, Carley Maier, Mdiv. :), in my favorite local shop completely alone. The past month has been so full of emotions of every size, shape, and color that I am pretty sure any therapist would most surely diagnose multiple personality in me. Here are a few lessons I have learned: (mind you, I know several of these will sound so ridiculously cliche and "churchy" but alas, they are my heart)

1) Jesus loves me. If you have read my blog for any period of time you have probably come to realize that I have struggled with this reality my entire life. I cannot wrap my mind around a holy, sovereign God loving me and being absolutely wild about... me. Don't say I didn't warn you. This sounds cliche. Of course God loves us. I mean it's probably the first verse we learned in our lives. "For God so loved the world He sent his only begotten (that's a deep word for toddlers?) Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life." So we hear and memorize these words from three years old but are we able to grasp the severity of their weight? I hope you have. But for me, it has been a lifelong battle. Because every time I slip up and do that thing that I always wage war with and lose, I submit to the seeming reality that I am beyond God's love.
Since graduating in the beginning of May, I have been blessed cursed with the gift of time. No longer am I stressed to the max to finish that assignment or write that paper. And I say this is a blessing but really a curse (but really a blessing) because it has forced me to come face to face with my inner demons that are much more easily suppressed when I am busy. For example: my entire extended family excels at worrying and anxiety. We are pro's. I dare your family to challenge my family to a worry war. We will smash you. And I am not proud of that. This is a discipline I have to keep in check every single day. That being said, here is my next lesson:
2) Daily time with the Lord is crucial. Ok, clearly cliche. We also grew up hearing this from infancy. And, again, if you have read my blog, this became quite a detriment to my relationship with God. Because I began to view my relationship with God as a check off the "to do" list or a jewel in my crown. But this is the opposite of what it has become to me. I have viewed my personal time with God (which, by the way consists of prayer, journaling, reading "Streams in the Desert", "Jesus Lives" (can I even put a parenthesis inside of another parenthesis? oh well, it's my blog both of these are daily devotionals), "Think" by John Piper, the daily Psalm, the daily Proverb, and wherever the Spirit guides me for personal biblical study (which happened to be the biblical books of Ruth and Esther this month. I almost always come to this coffeeshop and plug in my earbuds to my "inspire me" playlist.) as my anchor. Don't believe me? I can prove it. Last week, I had my time of study Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday but failed to do so the rest of the week. By today I felt so anxious, worried, out of control that, out of sheer desperation, I came to this place and had to journal it out for quite some time before I could even begin. I felt so unraveled that I did not even know where to start. And then I began reading "Streams" and oh my gosh. It met me exactly where I was. Here is the verse that coincided with the reading: "They were at their wits' end. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he brought them out of their distress" -Psalm 107:27-28. Praise Jesus. And the poem today was entitled, "Wits' End Corner".

3. Happiness is a choice. Now, if you ask my husband or even possibly my store manager they would laugh completely when they read this lesson. Because, quite frankly, I do not often choose happiness. I choose to be frazzled, scared, angry, sad, alone, stressed (remember...multiple personality) etc. I believe happiness to be a discipline. Sure, we all go through seasons when happiness is not seemingly an option and there are seasons where that is entirely appropriate. But, for me, my attitude is a direct result to my lack of trust in Christ. (aka sin). I am listening to a song even now, entitled "Choose" by Christy Nockels (fave). It explains how she chooses to be in love with Christ. And, as if we need to choose to be in love with Christ, she chronicles what this looks like. Please, if you are going through a specific season in your life where happiness is simply not a choice I beg you to invite someone nearest you in to your pain. Because Satan thrives in our isolation. I have sensed this even in my own life throughout the past month. Because Matt has been working crazy tutoring hours (because we are trying to buy a house! hip! hip!) which means I am alone until around 8:30 or 9pm most nights. Because my parents live far away. Because my best friend is out of the country. And during this time, I am prey to Satan and the thoughts he entices me with: "You are never going to find a job in ministry". "How could you ever think God could love you when you ________." "Matt is tutoring because he would rather be out of the house". "Why are you not praying more". and on and on the thoughts go, often deeper and deeper until I either wind up in tears or on my knees in prayer.
which leads me to my last lesson I have learned in this crazy emotional rollercoaster month:

4. God is in control. ah. So cliche. yet so true. When I am still enough and quiet enough to hear the words of Christ I consistently hear, "Wait on me. I will provide. Let me have control in this situation." And my fear and anxiety subsides enough to give way to the most comforting feeling of the sustaining love of Christ. If you have experienced a graduation season you probably know that it is accompanied with inquiries from friends, family, even strangers as to what life has next for you. I have wanted to screenprint a t-shirt that politely asks people to refrain from succumbing to this enticing question because i don't know!!!!!!!! And in this society that prizes worldly success it is not exactly comforting to inform people that my next steps have yet to be determined. And, again, when I spend a few days apart from my time with the Lord, I become unglued. But in the beautiful moments of clarity I so clearly hear the Lord tell me that He is my provider and my refuge. He is in control. And I get a few chances to breathe deeply and feel nothing but sheer excitement that this next season of my life is uncertain. But I know who holds my future. And that, to me, is beautiful.

So friends, if you are experiencing a time of confusion, anxiety, worry, etc. I could not beg you more strongly to dive in to the person of Jesus and the truths found in scripture. Selah.