lately...

- I went to the gym for the first time since Maier...yikes! I am out of shape!

- We bought a mattress pad for our bed and it made it like six thousand times more comfortable! Ex: On Sunday night, Matt's closet rod fell down, collapsing all of his clothes on the ground and neither of us woke up.

- I ate the best peach of my life this week. It seriously was almost too juicy to handle.

- I bought a new dress for our kern luncheon (I'm a senior so I had to find something special:) )

- I moved stores so now I am trying to re-adjust to a drive thru store and new partners...putting on a happy face

- In an effort to prepare ourselves for Office Season 6 release September 7, we have been watching all the offices in order: currently on Season 3 disc 4...

- I have been sulking a lot less :) 

- I got all of my school books in! They look really interesting...and thick....

- I am obsessed with Project Runway. I realize I hopped on this train a few years late...but I can't get enough!

- I realize how annoyed I get when girls over the age of 5 where pigtails. 

- I am realizing that summer is dwindling down...and I couldn't be happier about it...I can't wait to get back in to the classroom and study and write papers and take midterms and stress out :) 

- I love watching What Not To Wear and watching the women (and sometimes men!) gain confidence in themselves

- um countdown to wedding pictures: 10 days! I feel like I forgot that this exciting day was coming! I have been looking at our engagement photos a lot lately and it's getting me so excited to see wedding day ones! ah! I know they will TOTALLY be worth the wait!

- I bought the cutest little short suede boots at ROSS the other day! They are slouchy and SO adorable and they were $16! yes please. 

- Now I have to go watch my husband coach his soccer boys in their first game of the season! Go Tigers!

wait...

I listened to a sermon this summer called "Freedom From The Fear of Man", by JR Vassar (sermon from Feb. 28 if you feel like listening to it) and it has sort of become my theme.

The sermon, as hinted by its title, touches on the topic of fearing man more than we fear God. The pastor mentioned that our culture has become so infatuated with what we think of one another that we have allowed that to trump our fear for God.

I was so convicted by this sermon.

Because I definitely fear man more than I fear God. In fact, I think we would be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn't.

Because we fear one another so much, we:

• diet
• shop
• exercise
• put on make-up
• criticize ourselves way too much
• love ourselves way too little

Another key theme to my summer has been the word, "wait". I mean literally it is almost humorous how many times this stinkin word has come up during my quiet times in my scripture reading or my books I am reading. For example, today I read: Psalm 27:14: "wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" As I typed that verse, the song I am listening to said, "I just want to wait on you God". See what I mean? This is only the tip of the iceberg...

The reason I think this word is ringing so true is because I have been fighting an inner battle this summer feeling as though I should have that dream job that all people in my life seem to be landing these days. So many of my friends and family are finally working in their desired field and I am...making coffee....still...after six and a half years...

so my inner self has been fighting and pressuring myself to try to find that perfect job for me.

But I am doing it because I have this fear for man that when they ask me what I do and I tell them I still make coffee, I feel as though they are judging me. I am not wanting that perfect job because that is truly what I feel God wants for me right now. Because God is obviously telling me to

wait.

So, I am finally throwing up my hands in surrender. And it has been so beautiful since I have done so. I feel so fulfilled and feel as though I am right where God wants me to be. The pressure is off. And I am simply resting in God and His plan for my life.

truth or dare...

remember that childhood game?

I always hated it. Well, actually I didn't mind the truth part but I always always always hated the dare part. Because it always required me to perform some ridiculous, embarrassing task that I never wanted to do and usually got out of...so I always chose truth...

and I choose it again today...

When Matt & I got engaged, everyone we talked to immediately proclaimed, "You guys will LOVE being married!" All we heard for 3 months was every phenomenal, wonderful, warm, fuzzy thing about marriage. And I went in to it with the prideful mentality of thinking that everyone else's marital problems would never happen to us because our dating life was pretty un-hindered from fighting or problems...I just assumed it would continue in to marriage with dancing, kissing, sex (finally!), cooking, happy happy happy....

And it has been all of those things at one moment or another. 

But people failed to mention the reality of marriage...

Because Matt & I never lived together before we were married the past few months have been a decent adjustment. So far, I have learned:

• boys have a LOT of laundry
• Matt LOVES to sit on the bed in the morning and put on his socks and shoes (while I am trying to sleep and the bed is shaking as if we were in an earthquake)
• He also loves to lift up my sleep mask (yes, I wear and love sleep masks) to ask me if his socks match and his outfit looks ok
• he cannot sleep with a fan on...dena...you understand the severity of this problem....
• he leaves dirty dishes outside the sink on the counter next to it...hmmm...not in it, not in the dishwasher, but outside the sink all together 

So yeah, needless to say, it's been an adjustment...

My love, Sarah, who is engaged, came over for dinner the other night  and asked me all about married life. and I gave her the honest, raw truth...to which she responded "thank you so much. I need to hear this stuff. because we keep hearing all of the romantic sides of it but I need to hear the truth."


And unfortunately, my longesttimebestestfriendandbridesman, Lee, asked the simple question to me last week, "how's married life" to which I responded with a fifteen minute cry session that was probably way more than he was prepared to hear to that simple question. But I chose truth. I don't want mislead those who are closest to me in my life with this prideful illusion that we are swirling around in the clouds of blissfulness all the time...and his response was the most comforting thing I could have ever imagined...he said, "Carley, every one of my friends who has gotten married in the past year have all told me the exact same thing."

ahhh...I don't feel so screwed up....


The most amazing thing about being married, so far, is that it has driven me closer to Jesus. I mean closer than I have ever been before. And Jesus has become so real and personal to me in such an intimate way.

Last week, in particular, I was having a really rough time. Because my parents moved and matt is in his new, dream job (which takes him away from me for longer than I would like) and I was just having a pity party...and I came to my favorite coffee shop (where I am right now) to read scripture and my favorite devotional, "Streams in the Desert" (by L.B. Cowman) and I just felt God's arms envelope me. Every word I read for the next two hours was straight from God's mouth to my heart. It was such a sweet salve on my wounds and hurts and heartaches.

I am reading this book, Sacred Marriage (by Gary Thomas) which I have blogged about in previous posts, and it is just changing my whole world. It is forcing me to realize that the number one goal in every Christian's life is to glorify God. The same is true in a marriage relationship. It is not to glorify each other or make each other as happy as possible...and I think that was what Matt & I were trying to do for one another. We were trying everything in our power, to make each other happy. But we were not trying to glorify God above that.

The reason this is so groundbreaking is because this mindset forces me to place myself last. always.
Because if I am truly living out the Gospel in my every day life, than I am first and foremost dieing to myself every single day. I am putting my own agenda, happiness and desires aside in order to enable God's to reign in my life and in my marriage. Obviously, Gary says it all a lot more eloquently and beautifully than me so quit reading my blog and read his book!

Anyways, all of this to say we are figuring this thing out. And, at the end of the day I hope and pray to bring glory and honor to Jesus. And the truth is I am madly in love with my husband and so excited to be on this journey with him by my side (dirty dishes and all). 

P.S. here are a list of things I do that probably bug him

• my hair is all over the bathroom. I constantly paper towel our floor but I really do lose hair at a miraculous rate...it's amazing there is any left on my head
• I leave my wet towel on the bed after I shower sometimes
• I make him walk me out to my car before I open at 3:45am because I am scared I will get nabbed
• I still sleep with a teddy bear on the other side of me...and that is the real truth...I just got so used to tucking it under my arm and no husband can replace that little soft cushy bear...

i love...

1. slurpees from circle k. especially sour watermelon.
2. avalynne.

this was right before she blew through her diaper and pooped all over matt :) another reason why I love her....:)

3. my quiet times. especially this week.
4. that matt & I got out of our movie (inception) on Friday night to pouring rain and just simply walked out to our car in it :) we were soaked
5. 20% off coupons at bed bath & beyond.
6. heels. i feel like i was about ten years late to pick up on this female obsession...but I made it. I have arrived. I love heels!
7. that my dad is back in ministry (here he is in the final session of vbs)

 

8. cuddling.

9. that my wedding bouquet was made of silk flowers and I still get to look at it every day as beautiful as it was on the big day.

10. hair spray. my friend dena used to say it was her absolute essential (like if you were on a desert island and you had two things you could take...) now i agree with her.

11. sifting through and vastly diminishing my wardrobe. it feels very freeing to get rid of things I haven't worn in five years.

in other news, we hate that we are now totally done with prison break. booooooo

prison break.

Ok so I know I love the show prison break, but this post has a certain spin on the show, itself....

and I know I am a chronic quoter but this one really has something special...

"Our belief that we should grasp tightly what we need provides one of the great sources of our suffering. But letting go of possessions and plans and people allows us to enter, for all its risks, a life of new, unexpected freedom." -henry nouwen

I wrote a post a few months ago entitled 'forgiveness' and it mentioned a certain painful event my family experienced. Though I fully believe that my heart has shifted toward the people involved in the situation, I have still been holding on to the fact that I was wronged. I have still held on to this experience as though it offered some sort of validation for me. 

Because I was the innocent victim. 

In fact, a few weeks ago the very person who started it all walked in to my store. I had to face this person face to face. And he asked me how I was doing and offered condolences over my Noni's death and inquired as to how my parents were doing. And I was shaking in my boots the entire time. Because I still think my rare sightings of him leave me a bit unnerved. But it was so interesting...

After he left, I had the strongest urge to tell everyone I was working with exactly who he was and what he did. I wanted to justify my situation. I wanted to expose him for the evil deeds he committed against me and my family. 

But instead, I chose to say nothing.

I had this serious check in my heart thinking, what good would it do for my fellow employees if they heard or knew what happened and the history between this man and myself? Why would they care? What would they think?  What good would it bring me?

Because we all have this innate desire to be justified. To be righted when we are wronged. To see the wrong doer receive the justice that their actions deserve. Which is why we love movies. Because we get to see this story unfold but most importantly we get to see the bad guys get tied up and hauled off to jail or sink to the bottom of the ocean. and we applaud.

But the irony in all of it is that, if you allow it to, this desire can very dangerously become a prison you find yourself locked up in. 

And I experienced/experience this fully. I want to hold on to the anger, bitterness, resentment I feel toward this man but at the end of the day, what good is that offering me? 

Which is why I love this quote so much. Because the paradox is that letting go is what offers you the release you seek. It allows you to stand a little taller, breathe a little deeper and live freely.

home...

Last night, we arrived at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona at 7:13pm.

and we are

home.

Don't get me wrong, we had the most gloriously humid weekend in Kansas City with my in-laws and precious niece (pics to come) and even found an afternoon in mission hills (fabulous) and matt bought me this little number which i so happen to adore and am wearing this very moment... and ate at Noodles & Co. (if you already knew of this deliciousness and did not tell me about it...shame on you...) and went to two baseball games and saw all of the Yankees players coming out of their clubhouse in the family waiting area (we managed to keep our mouths closed even though our jaws were dying to drop)  and we sipped delicious pinot noir around a fantastic plate of cheese and crackers after the game,and matt even managed to find me a caribou coffee and woke me up holding my favorite drink,...

But, praise the Lord we are home. I am so happy to simply be able to spend a day off at home, unpacking *(yes, still...don't hate), doing laundry, making a fabulous menu for meals spent in our very own home, escaping to my favorite coffee shop to write, read, etc. I am so happy to put clean sheets on our very own bed and crawl in for my 65th restless nights sleep next to my husband (Unfortunately, I found out after we sealed the deal that mr. matt is a horrid sleeper...he is up every five minutes and shifting around the other four...ugh).

Anyways, I have found myself at one of my fave escape locations, thrilled to spend the afternoon simply writing, praying, reading, pondering, and praising....which has me thinking...

Even though this summer has been one thousand percent jam packed, it has also been filled with nuggets of beauty and splendor. It has been a summer where I have grown and thirsted more than any other summer I can remember. I am accepting and allowing myself to receive God's grace more than I can remember...but the most beautiful thing is I am feeling His love...so deeply...which is also leading me to have confidence in myself...hmmm...I wonder if this has anything to do with what God is showing me through the covenant of marriage...

Anyways, I am going to get back to my lovely afternoon of immersion in books, music, big train chai tea, and thoughts...

Albums, Books, and Babies...

Here is a list of fantastically wonderful things have happened today (and it's only 2:30!)...

• I bought Shauna Niequist's newest book! It is called Bittersweet and, even though I have officially read approximately 3 pages thus far, it is bound to be fabulous...

• While I was packing (more on that later) I turned on the ol' faithful Pandora and heard Colbie Caillat covering Jackson 5's "I want you back"! So phenomenal. And also quite humorous because, now that she's singing it, I realize I had SO MANY lyrics from that song wrong! bahaha

• I bought our niece *(Avalynne, 3 weeks) some of the most darling outfits

• I developed some lovely snapshots from our wedding and honeymoon and trips and one old halloween picture of us holding our little monkey (quite literally) nephew Hudson

• I packed for our upcoming trip to Kansas City...without purchasing one single new item...which is quite an accomplishment for me! 

• I began jotting down thoughts for an exciting possible new venture for me...more on this possibly later...if I am brave enough!

Anyways, we are packing because we are heading out to visit Matt's brother & his wife, our sister-in-law and our brand spanking new baby niece, Avalynne! While we are there, we get to go to 2 Royals-Yankees games and see Mitch *(fingers crossed) kick some Yankee booty in center field. I am so excited because this trip marks the last trip for us for the summer! After this, we are HOME! HOORAYYYYY!!!!

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend and I will toss up some pictures of little Ava (already shortening it:) ) once we get back :)

Today...

Today, my husband becomes Mr. Maier.

He gets to meet 50-or-so-some-odd-students who will call him 'teacher' for the 2010-2011 (gosh, already??) school year.

I wish you could have seen his face this morning. As he put on his button down shirt and tied his tie and perfectly placed each hair in to position. He was beaming with excitement. I could practically hear his heart pounding out of his chest. And I had to fight the urge to capture him on camera by our front door with his brief case (the urge was easier to fight being that I didn't have to be at work until 9 and he left at 7:15, so I did not really want to climb out of our warm, cozy bed more than to hug and kiss him and make sure his colors matched). 

Today, he gets to fulfill his life long dream of becoming a teacher.

In college, he naturally declared a major of mechanical engineering, even though that was not his true desire...because it would make more money and it would sound more prestigious and would not take much studying...but he could never run away from the ever-creeping desire and want to become a teacher...

So today is the day he fulfilled his lifelong dream. and I am so proud of him. and so happy to support him.

and maybe...just maybe...i will snap a photo of him coming home from his first day :)

how i long for fall...

It seems that ever since we said i do we have not slowed down. not for one second.



june 12 - get married.
june 13-19 - have a blasty with all of our family/company that came in town for the blessed event.
june 19-27 - aruba.
july 8-12 - atlanta.
july 23-25 - mission viejo.
july 25-30 - help parentals move out of their house/move all of my additional belongings out.
august 6-8 - mission viejo to see the parentals new house & celebrate the marriage of brian & ashley.
august 11 - matt officially gets his students & becomes a teacher.
august 13-15 kansas city to meet our new niece.


it seems that summer has simply breezed by, leaving us almost wishing for fall. because fall means school starts. for both of us. and that means we have to stop and breath and get on some sort of a schedule. so that i don't have to throw out any more groceries because they expired while we were out of town one weekend. so we can have a fun weekend night at home. so we can unpack all of the things in our house that need to get unpacked. so i can study again (can you believe i actually miss studying?!). so i can have that 6 hours of uninterrupted time in the car to school that i actually find myself clinging to. so i can hear all of matt's stories as a new teacher. so i can meet the fresh new nervous and excited kern babies and welcome them to our family. so i can see kaylyn again. oh. how. i. miss. kaylyn. so i can put our dang suitcase away for awhile. so i can make matt's lunch every night and put it in his little lunch bag. so the weather cools off enough at night that we can leave our porch door open. so i can wear boots again. and scarves. and cardigans. and layers. oh fall...please come swiftly...