My friend...

So for the past few days I have been conducting in my mind a list of reasons why I miss my friend Kaylyn. On Friday, I had planned my next blog post to be a whole ton of reasons why I miss her.

I could say it was because we can be sitting in a four hour class, and something so funny could happen that we can't even look at each other because we would burst out laughing.

Or because she is so very blunt and honest. What she thinks often comes out of her mouth...in the very best way...(i.e. the very first time I realized I could become good friends with this girl, we were riding in the back seat of our friend's car having a conversation and with out skipping a beat she says, "um excuse me but can you please clean your sunglasses off. they are distracting me.")

Or possibly because we are very similar in our likes and dislikes and passions.

I miss her because she is the one I want to tell all of my exciting life events to, first. She was the first person (after m&d) that found out about engagement. Matt's job. etc.

Maybe it's because I texted her crying my eyes out (I'm pretty sure we have never actually talked on the phone before) and she was dead serious in offering to meet me half way if we drove til we saw each other. She is that kind of friend. 

She spurs me on in my relationship with Christ with out even trying. She inspires me to be the very best me.

She has been so excited for Matt and me and cannot wait until I join her in the mrs. club.

For all of these reasons I just miss my friend, Kaylyn. Because she lives in California. And I live in Arizona.

Well, like I mentioned in a previous post this week, Matt had my manager give me my Saturday closing shift off from work and I had zero idea why.

Saturday morning, I woke up and was lounging around the house. I was chatting with my parents and sulking that Matt was headed off to a morning of work *(when I figured he had the day off because he got me the day off).

All of the sudden, I hear the door open and the dogs go crazy barking (if you have been to my house, you know what I am talking about...)

In the door, walks my good friend,

kaylyn.

I immediately start crying my eyes out. Because I missed my friend Kaylyn so much. 

She woke up at 3:30am just to come spend 32 hours with me. To help me glue programs and gems all day long. And I got to show her my work and my future apartment and my current home and my church and my favorite coffee shop and my favorite restaurant (pita jungle). She came in to my Arizona world. And she fit pretty well, too.

Reasons I love Summer...

So I was in Sprouts today and as I was browsing the aisles, I found myself getting super excited for summer...here are a few reasons why

1. watermelon. I think I was told that I loved watermelon as a kid (what kid didn't?) but somewhere in my pre-adolescent and teenage years I fell out of love with it. During the past few summers, however, I have been re-introducing this nifty little fruit back in to my diet. And I'm loving it.

2. corn. I saw people rummaging through the corn bin today, shucking it to make sure it was ripe and ready for consumption. i love corn. wait....let me specify....CORN ON THE COB!

3. sunday afternoons at my parent's house. Almost every sunday during the summer we spend in the pool. It is a simply wonderful tradition that I thoroughly enjoy. The pool is like 90-95 degrees and it is just so wonderful to wade in the water or float on rafts and eat fruit and relax.

4. Summer dresses. Enough said.

5. Summer nights. Arizona summers are not for the faint of heart. Sorry to all of those out-of-town guests that have to travel here in a few short weeks for our nuptials. But...but but but...summer nights are gorgeous. They are just warm enough to not need a sweater or cardy but cool enough to be able to sit on the patio and sip lemonade or a little pinot.

6. Peaches. Again. At Sprouts. Smelling peaches.

7. HINT. Ok. Not like I am about to tell you a secret. But the brand of water. I know there are so many competing brands of water out there (some claim to make you smarter. some claim to fill you with antioxidants and electrolytes. some boast weightloss.) but HINT water is simply the best. I know I have blogged about it before but I hit the jackpot today at Sprouts. Here are the flavors of natural water currently found in my refrigerator. These are completely natural, mind you...no splenda or nutrisweet here...

• watermelon
• peppermint
• grapefruit-mango
• pomegranate-lime
• pear

I kid you not. These little numbers are going to carry me through summer. They are so refreshing and delicious. AND if you are on a budget, you only have to use half a bottle combined with normal water and you still get the taste! D-LISH

In other news, Matt had my manager give me the day off Saturday (I was supposed to close) and I have no idea why nor will he tell me...hopefully I have some fun reports at a later date about that...

"The best days of your life"

So I have heard this quote so many times in the past couple of months that it is almost comical

Enjoy your engagement...those are the best days of your life!" 

But I just don't believe it.

I mean, don't get my wrong, I love my fiance to the moon and back and we are more in love every day so that part, yes, is the best days of my life...which will continue to get better and better until I feel like I am going to explode...

But...

So far, in this engagement, I have cried my eyes out more times than I care to admit. Maybe it is just the overwhelming emotion of realizing that I am forever leaving my shelter and home of 3089 E. Goldfinch Way tucked under the protective wing of the parents who have meant more to me than I could ever convey. Maybe it is because I am folding and tearing so many pieces of paper for programs and fans that my fingers feel like they have tiny battles of war going on with one another. Maybe it is because Matt and I had the brilliant idea of planning a wedding in a tiny bit under 4 months all the while trying to finish a crazy semester of school and finals and papers and start and finish two more classes all before I say I do. Maybe it's because planning a wedding of my own cost me a friendship of which I will not go in to more detail. Maybe it's because during this time my dad has lost a job. Maybe it's because during this time my Noni, whom I dearly loved and lived down the street from, has since gone to be with Jesus. Maybe it's because I am being forced to pick and choose everything down to the napkin and it's overwhelming to have to be the final word on all of these silly, tiny, important details. Maybe it's because I have been apart from some of my dearest friends and bridesmaids for far too long and I just long to see them again. Maybe it's because I always envisioned this process would look one way and in reality it is completely different. Not that it is not wonderful and joyous to plan a day where I know all of my friends and family will be there not only cheering us on but more importantly supporting the decision that is being made.

I was texting a fellow future bride (wedding coming in July!) and she and I were bantering back and forth about how we just want to elope and forget all about the stresses of our wedding days and she said these very wisdomous (yup...said it) words: "I want to call it off. Until I imagine us there...dancing and everyone watching. Just keep those thoughts in your head."

Those words were more of a breath of fresh air than she knew. (she did not mean that she really wanted to call it off...she and her fiance have been together since practically infancy and are uber-in-love)

I guess, in my mind, the best day of my life will in all actuality be June 13th. When I will wake up, next to my husband, and the hoopla and hustle and bustle and craziness will be over. And I will get to live a normal married life beside the man that was created for no one other than me. Because they say that some brides are more about the wedding day than the marriage. But I am absolutely, 100%, totally, completely and insanely the opposite. I am about the marriage rather than the wedding day...and I think that is just. fine.

This week...

I did an insane amount of homework to try to work ahead in a class that everything is due one week after we get married.

we got our wedding bands.

I drank a lot of chocolate milk because I read that's the very best thing you can put in to your body after a work out...which I think is God's way of giving a thumbs up to taking care of ourselves...by rewarding ourselves with something as yummy as chocolate milk and not cabbage or something!

I reignited my love affair with the television show 'friends'. 

we got a marriage license. a legal document that will bind us together forever. omg.

wrote thousands (ok maybe 70) thank you cards.

had a little shopping spree at anthro thanks to a gift card from a shower: here is my list of lute all for the bargain price of $100: 4 place mats. 4 gorgeous water glasses. 4 bowls. 4 tiny matching bowls. 2 beautiful serving bowls. 2 tiny decorative bowls. 2 plates. 1 candlestick. 1 apron. 1 oven mit. 1 hot pad. all for $100. ah! i heart sales.

i lost 9 pounds. quite an accomplishment considering I haven't even worked too hard to get there...just stopped eating out!

I introduced myself to my new obsession cereal: kashi oats and blueberry clusters. on sale at target for $2.88. hurry. go. buy. it

I made Matt dinner last night in my new anthro apron. Bruschetta chicken. quite delicious.

I got 4 misquito bites on my shoulders that now have me freaking out that I will be one huge misquito bite on our wedding day.

I dreamt that only like 8 people came to our wedding. I woke up knowing I dreamt something weird/sad but couldn't remember until I was randomly on the treadmill and started laughing by myself. I was that girl. 

I am laying out just a bit to get that healthy bride glow. 

I learned that my parents are applying to 3 churches. 

All of these churches are out of state.

We decorated all of the posts and mason jars for the big day. It really helped me be able to envision the whole night. 

We got Matt's suit for the big day.

I got caught up on LOST. ugh.

I played with Hudson. 

All of this, and it's only friday. not a bad week.

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Ok. So, with a marriage pending in 22 days, I sure do get questioned about "how excited are you to have sex", "what is the thing you most look forward to in being married...besides sex", ""you have to text me the next morning and let me know how it goes!", and the list goes on and on and on.

My girls even took me out for drinks after seminary class to have the talk (bahaha the thought alone of not only going from 14 hours of Bible class to drinks is funny...but add sex talk in there and it's enough to send any student from our program to an early grave, I'm sure).

It's part of pre-marital counseling.

You have a shower in order to prepare you with lingerie and such, just because of sex.


So i'm thinking it's pretty important...

Because sex is crucial to any marriage.

One of my dear friends got married in March and she told me that during their premarital counseling, their counselor told them to have a jar by their bed where they put a penny in every time they have sex during their first year. After the first year, you get a second jar and take the pennies from the first year jar and put them in the second jar to see how many pennies you have left. The goal: to have none left. You can do this for every year of marriage so the sex does not run dry.

I told this idea to Matt and I think we are going to implement this in to our marriage.

I get squirmy talking about this topic because sex, in the Christian world, is hush hush. It's not really talked about. It is a taboo topic that makes people's faces blush. I bet you half of your faces have already blushed from simply reading the title of this post...

so our alternative?

We only get exposed to sex in magazines, movies, tv shows, song lyrics, etc.

What kind of a way is this to be introduced to or aware of the sex topic? That is the most unhealthy setting for all of us to talk about or learn about sex.

In 22 days, a whole new world will open up to me that I have never known before. I will come to love Matt in a way that I have never loved him before. I will love him more than I have ever loved him before (although I cannot even imagine loving him more....but I know I will). And I was reading a blog from a woman (that actually spun in to reading several blogs about several women) who never tells her husband "no" when he initiates sex, and vice versa. She went on and dared every woman to not say "no" to their husband for one week.

That got me thinking...

There have already been so many times in our dating relationship when I have simply said "no" to the silly act of making out. And it got me thinking of how I would feel if I tried to initiate making out with Matt (which he has never said no to...) and he said "no". I would feel pretty upset or let down or self conscious or vulnerable. Which I have no idea if that is what a man thinks when he is shut down or not...but I would never want to make the man I love feel like that.

I continued on to read so many more of the comments women left of these blog posts. They were astounding. So many women confessed that their husbands simply do not even ask anymore because they shut them down so many times in the past...or women who have adopted the concept admitting how healthy and great their sex life is.

My friend, Kaylyn, also has told me a bit of advice she received from her premarital counseling that I think is exquisite: never withhold sex as a punishment. In other words, when you are angry...do not withhold sex from your partner. I think this is such a powerful idea. And one that I'm sure I will have to keep in the forefront of my mind for years to come.


I know I have referenced this sermon one time previously on my blog, but I will do so again because it fits perfectly in to this topic of conversation. The sermon is entitled 2Drink and you can listen to it here . One of my friends listened to it the last time I posted and she absolutely loved it. So light a candle with your spouse, listen and enjoy.

Dear Jesus,

I know you have said that you will not give us anything more than we can handle.

I am living the words and promises found in this verse. My family has had a lot of hardship during the past ten years with my dads jobs. We find ourselves at square one, once again. But I know you are faithful. I know that you are aware that we are almost about to buckle under the load that is above us right now. I pray the promises of this verse and so many others like it in the Bible. I know that you love to bask in the happiness of us, your children.

So I pray for my dad. Please find him a church that will love and support him as much as our family does. We know his potential. We know his heart. We know his capability. And we know that he is hurting so deeply right now and does not have confidence in himself. I see the look in his eyes. And better yet, so do you. Jesus, I ask that the leads for jobs that he has will pull through some way, some how and that he will be loved and cared for by a church once again.

I also know that one of my mom's and my greatest weakness is found in one word: fear.

or two words: fear. anxiety.

or three words: fear. anxiety. worry.

But Jesus, you also tell us not to worry. So I am trying to live that verse out, too. My natural instinct during situations like this is to panic and shut down and freeze and cry and despair. But not this time. Satan does not have my corner on the market. He cannot scare me. Because I know that my family rests in your hands. And those hands are much bigger than mine or my dads.


I love you a lot. Thanks for the beautiful breeze. Thanks for the sleeping stellapuppydog beside me. Thanks for making me feel so loved not only by my family and Matt but by everyone who has attended showers, and sent gifts, and helped with decorating. I feel so much love around me.

I lay these things at the foot of the cross and will try. really. hard.  not to pick them up.

I love...

I haven't done an i love post in a while, so here is my latest love list...


1) pomegranate & cassis candle by bella.     omg. it is insane.
2) my wedding shoes. they came in the mail. eek!
3) my anthropologie cookie jar and tool jar I got from my michigan shower this weekend.
4) that i am done driving to cali until sept.
5) garage sales.
6) fresh & easy.
7) this little man.

8) caribou coffee.
9) our new camera.
10) brown sugar.
11) surprises.

Sabbath.

Today, I met with my professor about my summer school classes. I got my new syllabi and felt so overwhelmed with everything that has to be done before June 19, when the class is over...you know...7 days after we get married? why did I agree to Summer I???

We just finished with tests and papers but somehow we all found ourselves stressed to the max today...what is wrong with this picture? 

So after hearing about my countless interviews I have to conduct, reading reflections to write, curriculum to write, and a final 15-page all-encompassing paper, we came to the subject of my second summer school class....

sabbath.


Even the word leaves me feeling like I just took a half hour warm bubble bath with candles and my favorite book.

I am to read Wirzba's book on Sabbath and conduct 3 sabbaths and report my findings. Here are some of my favorite excerpts from the book so far...

"Rather than taking a "break" from frenetic, self-obsessed ways of living, the Sabbath is a discipline and practice in which we ask, consider, and answer the questions that will lead us into a  complete and joyful life."

"Could it be that our anxiety and aggression, our desire to exert total control and exact maximum profit, flows from a basic inability to trust in God's beneficence and care?"

"To forget or deny Sabbath is thus to withhold our lives from their most authentic purposes in God. It is to claim that our worrisome ways are better or count more than the intentions of God."

"Rest is not simply about stopping. When we stop from our work, what we are really doing is exhibiting a fundamental trust and faith in the goodness and praiseworthiness of God. We cannot delight in God's provision for us if we are at the same time worried about whether or not God cares for us." 


These are just a few of the sentences that have impacted me so far in my reading of this book.
Clearly, this class has come at the time in my life where I need it the absolute most. In this time when I could become so absorbed and concerned with school and wedding and apartment decorating and flowers and shoes and necklaces and thank you notes from showers and packing...I will choose, rather, to focus on slowing down and praising Jesus and sabbath and delight and solitude. 

p.s. i went to dinner with amber tonight & afterward to a little anthro 60% off...not bad...not bad at all...

Rest, my friends.

i am a senior.

This week has been a roller coaster of emotions, to say the least.

It all began with an intense Monday and Tuesday that left me not wanting to face the rest of the week.  The freedom of Friday felt so far away, I was certain it would never come.

Wednesday, as I began my trek out to Cali, I decided on listening to a sermon rather than studying for my final. I will update more in detail about the sermon I listened to but let's just say, God spoke straight to me through that sermon.  My mom always tends to have these quiet times that leave her feeling that God was speaking directly to her. I am always secretly jealous of this because she always gets up from her quiet times and says, "oh.my.gosh.carley.listen.to.this.perfect.devotion.i.had.this.morning."  But I had one of those moments on Wednesday on my way to school.  I was scrolling through my, oh.so.many. podcasts and settled on one by a man I had never heard of before, who was filling in for a pastor of one of my subscribed podcasts. It was nothing short of amazing. More on that later...

I finished my final on Thursday, and to this day refuse to think another minute about how I did. or whether I forgot to include this definition, or that fact. The rest of the day was pretty wonderful as we moved to a lunch provided by the Kerns and a bit of family time for one.last.time. with our seniors. Thursday night, in Church&Society was probably the best class session we had. Perhaps because it was the first time I sat in class without my computer.  Kaylyn decided she would not bring her computer to classes because we didn't really have any classes to sit through other than C&S. I followed her lead and, though I poked fun at her, was thoroughly delighted not to be disrupted by my computer. Our discussion was just so great.

Friday, then, the kern girls went hiking together. Here's a pic.

We just had the most glorious time on the most beautiful trail, spending quality hours together.

Friday night, Andrea graduated with her MDIV!!! So exciting. Though a tiny pang of jealousy was felt, i was way more proud of her and so happy for her. She had the honor of being asked to speak at graduation and she.killed.it. She did such a beautiful job and I was so proud of her.

Saturday. I. did. nothing. I mean literally. nothing. I stayed in my pj's all day and watched episodes of the office, glee, and la ink and read some good old h.p. for the second round. It was glorious. Although nearly every hour, I had to remind myself not to feel guilty, I managed to have a great day all by myself.

Today, I went to Laguna Beach by myself to enjoy some sabbath time. Part of my learning agreement for internship was to participate in a sabbath time and I am embarrassed to say I failed miserably. But I have been very convicted of this and my site supervisor, Paul, just so happened to do his Bible study at our staff meeting on sabbath. So I went down to the beach all by myself today and had some time with Jesus. It was wonderful. I read "Turn My Mourning Into Dancing", by Henri Nouwen and it is so good. I only got to page 11 because nearly every sentence I had to stop to contemplate what was being said. It was incredible. and i enjoyed my favorite ever gelato that is my favorite in the world.

Anyways, that's a quick update on my life recently and I now find myself entering my final year of seminary. So crazy. It has gone by so quickly and will only continue to do so. Thanks for reading! and supporting!

With the Dawn we all begin again...

So I recently purchased Dave Barnes' new cd and it is amazing. I have been listening to it on repeat.

But there is a particular line from the song that is proving particularly true to me this morning.

and it is the title of this post.

with the dawn, we all begin again.

If I were to line up my days from best day ever to i-might-as-well-go-to-bed-and-try-this-all-again-tomorrow, yesterday would have been directed way towards the latter.

• I had to fine tune a 30 page paper. I am sick to death of looking at this paper. It has been constantly rearing it's ugly head at me for weeks and weeks. 

• I lost my library of sources that I have been compiling for two years of seminary.
• Matt locked his keys and cell phone in his car.
• My family is just going through hardship that seems to never ever ever ever end.
• I compiled a study guide with a few people that ended up being 18 pages single space. I have to memorize it all before Thursday.

I opened yesterday and worked until 10am. After that, I went straight to work on all things education. I finally raised my white flag at 7:30 with the sorest eye pain I have ever felt.
I had dinner with my parents and went. to. sleep. I was out by 8:14 pm.

I woke up this morning to Matt walking in my bedroom just to say good morning.

With the dawn, I will begin again today. This is a lesson for all of us. I will not let yesterdays frustrations, hurts, and pains affect my today. As much as they are war-ing for my continued time and attention. They are not worthy.

I grew up watching the wonderful girly movie series "Anne of Green Gables". It takes a solid 6 hours to watch all of these movies. But in one particular movie and one particular scene, Anne's teacher tells her these inspiring words: "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it."



And in a few days, school will be over and I will be able to turn my attention on my impending marriage to the man Jesus blessed me with.


plus, i woke up this morning to the most amazing facebook message from my oldest friend telling me he would be praying every day from today until June 12th for Matt's and my marriage. He reminded me to take time to enjoy these days preceding the wedding, not letting the possible stress overcome the reason we are doing this in the first place. Another reason why I love the family of God so dearly.