for better or worse

The wedding day has come and gone.

The honeymoon (to Aruba!) has come and gone. (but we are still tan)

But if I were to flash back in time (say to my earlier twenties...) and be shown a picture of what my life looks like now I just would never believe it.

I would not believe the pictures I look at from my wedding day. I would not believe the apartment I share with my husband. I would not believe that I make grocery lists and dinners every night. I would not believe that I would be just as excited to buy throw pillows or a toilet brush as I am to buy a dress at anthro (ok maybe not just as excited but you know...). I would not believe that when the UPS man asks me my last name when I sign for a package my response would not be "block"... I just would not believe it....

Because little girls grow up their entire lives dreaming about that day. And I was just like any other little girl. I would picture what I would wear and what my bridesmaids would wear and what flowers I would choose and what my daddy would say...but I never....and I mean never actually ever believed that it would happen...

to me.

Let me back up, i suppose...

When I was 18 I thought I would marry my long time boyfriend. 

And when I was 20 I thought I would marry that long time boyfriend.

And when I was 24 I hoped I would marry that long time boyfriend...

but when none of those boys panned out quite like I had hoped, I sort of gave up on the reality that it would ever ever ever happen to me. 

I'm serious.

Ask my mom.

The day I got engaged, I think the first thing she said to me (after, "aaaaahhhhh!!!! you're engaged!!!!) was (in a mocking voice) "I'll never get married!!!" 

But now I look around and see the beautiful things we were given for our wedding that belong to us...our shower curtain...our dishes...our everything...and life just seems so...beautifully shocking. 

So for the last three weeks I have been setting up our little home on Ray Rd. 

And I have been learning and growing and stretching.

I have been learning how to depend more on Matt than I ever have before. I have been learning how to depend more on myself. I have been learning what it means to be in a marriage. And this point is where I would like to reside for a moment...

When you get married, tons and tons and tons of people (some welcomed, some not-so-welcomed) try to give you marital advice. They site books and quotes and lines that have worked or not worked for their marriage. They give you books. They tell you what they experienced that they either should or should not have done. 

Well one such person (my brother) told me about a book. This book is not about the five things you can do to have the best sex ever or the ten best recipes to make him drool or...well...you get the idea...

This book is about how marriage is to make you holier rather than happier. This was off-putting to me at first...

Growing up, I witnessed the marriage of my parents that appeared to be so....happy. I also grew up falling in love with movies where romanticism is highly sought after. I am such a hopeless romantic. But this scandalous book rises the possibility that marriage is actually healthier when romanticism is not the number one goal but, rather, holiness of your partner is the number one goal. 

Before we were married, I assumed that married life would be a never-ending gush of love and sex and romance. While this is true to some extent, I also underestimated the amount of time where romance would be un-involved. Again, if I were to get a time machine even to six months ago, and tell myself that life would not be a constant romantic comedy I would have been absolutely outraged. Because I was so positive my marriage would be constant romantic happiness. But in the few pages of this book that we have read thus far, I am realizing now how skewed my idea of marriage actually was. Or at least what my ideal marriage is becoming. Because, at the end of the day, I want Matt to be more holy because of our marriage. I want to be more holy because of our marriage. 

I know this book is going to continue to give me so much meat to chew, and I am sure I will be processing it here so stay tuned!

oh ps...the book is "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas...j.i.c any of you want to check it out and enter in the conversation too