Show Me.

I think one of my favorite forms of "quiet times" are listening to music.

When I was a little girl, my mom tried to instill in me the value of having a quiet time with God every day (God bless her for not only highlighting the importance of quiet time spent with God, but for embodying this discipline every single day I can remember). However, I regret to admit, it became so legalistic inside my twisted little mind that it has carried a certain stigma with it. Because, I am a third year seminary student who feels like a daily quiet time gets me tallies on the "pro" side of my score sheet or a pretty jewel in my crown.

For the past year or so, however, God has been deconstructing my view of what a true quiet time is.

I realize that writing something like this could oft regard me as a liberal, postmodern, hippy-like, Christian but God knows my heart. And so I write on...

For me, personally, I do not as easily breathe and experience God through opening the Bible. Don't get me wrong, there have been many instances where I feel as though God jumps off the page of my Bible at me (and wildly enough, I adore studying the Bible in my classes. I could read commentaries and Bible dictionaries for hours and just marvel at scripture). But... when I listen to music, God seeps in to my pores, senses, heart, emotions, etc. etc. etc. I experience God so intimately when I take a walk around a beautiful neighborhood or lake or park. I sense God when I engage in a beautiful conversation with my husband, or mom and dad, or Kaylyn, or Dena, or Sarah. I am so mutually encouraged by hearing how God is working in and through the lives of those closest to me. I see God when I travel to different countries, places, cities, etc. and see new sights my eyes have never beheld. (ex: when I watched Eat, Pray, Love I had a seriously spiritual experience relishing in the scenery and praising my Lord. Even though the movie did not conclude with Julia bowing down before Him, I did.) I love watching Planet Earth. I praise God with every crazy creature that is introduced that has never been filmed before and my mind has never imagined before. I adore singing my guts out to God when I drive my 5-hour drive to California every week. I covet this time, odd as it may sound. Because for 5 hours, it's me and God (and sometimes, Stan). I love to write to God. I have pages and pages numbering the hundreds on my computer of my most intimate thoughts and prayers to God. And I am so inspired by reading past words and seeing the ways in which God moved (i.e. all of those prayers about a future husband have resulted in a man God could have made only for me, all of those prayers wondering where my parents would possibly end up and they are in such a beautiful church with a beautiful senior pastor). I am so humbled when I sit down and blog only to receive a message or phone call that my words or experiences were just what someone needed to read.

So maybe, for me, in my personal season of experiencing God, this is my most appropriate form of worship. Obviously, I have the utmost respect for those I know who pour over scripture for hours on end and I am in no way claiming that I disagree with this form of quiet time. But until I get over this certain stigma, it is not for me yet. Because it is not about a jewel or a tally mark: It's about my heart.

Which is why I constantly am quoting from different sources of inspiration: books, songs, movies, sermons, etc. Because those are my quiet times. Those are the ways in which God reveals Himself most intimately to me. And I want to pass them on. Because they are so beautiful.

Today, I am listening to a song that has stopped me in my tracks. It is called Show Me, by Audrey Assad. Here are the words: please read them as your prayer, (if that is your thing...and maybe even if it is not):

You could plant me like a tree beside a river
You could tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I would blossom like a flower in the desert
But for now just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in a battle
Put victory like a fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like falling snow over the embers
But for now just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from a world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path You've laid before me
But for now just let me be

Bind up these broken bones
Mercy bend and breathe me back to life
But not before You show me how to die
Oh, not before You show me how to die

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty
But for now just stay with me
God, for now just stay with me






...This was my quiet time today.

Lately...

-I almost died in a plane crash...I wish I were kidding

- Matt scored the winning goal (and 2 more!) in his soccer championship :) 

- Tried a date (the fruit) shake at Hadley's off the I10 for the first time (oh, and saw the huge dinosaur that I evidently had missed for the past 5 years...)

- Went to Wisconsin for our senior Kern retreat and met 50 other amazing people who have had this same gift bestowed upon them. It was truly a rich time had by all

- Woke up with a cricket by my head on our bed. Did not go over well...

- Had a really great meeting with the Jr. High pastor at my church & am praying about heading back in to youth ministry :) 

- Started watching Friday Night Lights...verdict is still out...

- Currently spending 5 days in Cali with Matt & my parents enjoying fall break

- happy Columbus day! 

- Got all of our wedding flicks back...omg.

- Listened to the Freedom From The Fear of Man sermon for the 5th time: still got more out of it

- Can't stop watching Sister Wives. fascinating. 

- I really am feeling the weight of the semester already. I think I am going to take next week off. I need it

- Got to a new high level on brickbreaker. pretty exciting :) such. a. loser.

- Matt & I celebrate 4 months of marriage tomorrow. Gonna celebrate Disneyland style.

- Still have the itch to chop all my hair off.

- I got asked to endorse a book! When I have more information, I will disclose :) 

- During my meeting this week, I learned to much about myself and where I am along this crazy path called life and faith. I loved that I really backed up what was coming out of my mouth with the belief of my heart

- I get to enjoy this whole week with my husband! He has fall break so he is off & we get to spend some QT in California with my parents and each other. such a treat!

- I have a chance to talk and meet with a girl who has a potential to become a kindred spirit. We partnered up for a project in class and we have to interview each other and I can't wait! 

- I have been in a habit of underlining the word "refuge" as it refers to the Lord in the Bible and it pops up everywhere! I love the analogy of my Lord as my refuge. So comforting.

- Heard news that Matt & I are gaining another NEPHEW! Katelyn is having a boy! So far, the front running name is Max, but we shall see!!!

- Saturday we had a huge ol' family gathering at a local bar that played the Ohio State game. We all gathered for my cousin's birthday and it was such a sweet time! Matt **(who bleeds blue & gold, michigan) even supported the bucks with his scarlet and grey

My dear friends, I hope this post finds you well, happy, healthy and refreshed. I pray you will be encouraged this week and find beauty in the entering season of Fall. Fall is my favorite. Even though I do not get to experience the same fall as my minnesotan readers, I still adore it. Those of you who have the opportunity to see color on the trees, please do me a favor and go for a walk and breath in the beauty of color around you. You are fortunate. As for me, I will just go walk around Fall at Disneyland tomorrow :) 

Shalom, my friends.

Sara. Caitlyn. Julia.

So, as of late, I have been repeating a few lines in my head over and over: Two come from songs. One comes from a movie.  One is short. One is medium. One is long. But no matter their length, I hope their content is as impacting for you as they have been for me.

#1

"Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere"

I have been listening to an obscene (in the very best way) amount of Sara Bareilles' new CD, Kaleidoscope Heart. Hidden among track number two, otherwise known as uncharted, is this little nugget that is so peppy and upbeat, but holds so much truth. It made me think: How many times have I compared where I am to where I want to be and ended up feeling overwhelmed and under-accomplished.

I mean, I am 27. When I was 19, I assumed that by 27 I would have two kids, a part-time job working in my dad's church, living next to my parents, with a gate that separated my back yard from my parent's so the kids could run back and forth...however the truth is that I am 27, married (*to the very best man imaginable), no kids, no gate, no church, with parents who live 400 miles away. I am not exactly where I wanted to be.

And for a long time, (and, let's be honest some days still) I sulked and cried because my life did not end up as planned. But comparing gets me nowhere. Not only comparing me to me but me to you or you to me. It does neither of us any good. So from now on this little phrase is my mantra. If I compare where I am to where I want to be I will get nowhere.

p.s. another song among my fave's from this jem is called "let the rain". Again. It is hidden among a catchy melody but holds unending amounts of truth. Rather than having me gush about it. Go buy it. Consider it an investment.



#2

"What I thought I could handle, what I thought I could take, what I thought would destroy me leaves me stronger in its wake" -Caitlyn Smith, Crushed and Created

Enough said.


#3

Last week, my mom took me to see Eat, Pray, Love because if you know either of us, Julia is our queen. The following is a scene in the movie when she is in Rome and visits a seemingly dingy place. The dialogue, however, reveals the true beauty. Enjoy:

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

The last two sentences in particular had me in tears in two seconds flat. All of us have that thing in our lives that is our ruin. You probably already have in your mind what yours is. For me, it was a significant (or rather, two) ministry pain my family endured. For years, it was our ruin. 

For too many years.

For years, I felt burned and pillaged but now I see how it has become my transformation. I am still in the process of trying to view it as a gift. But I'm sure I'll get there...

megan & michael sitting in a tree...!

This is Megan.

Megan is my friend.

This is Michael.

on the left...

he is also my friend.

Well a few weeks ago, these friends of mine got engaged.

and I am so happy for them.

Megan is just so excited to get married and keeps texting me all sorts of fun wedding questions, being that I just went through the process (& I feel so flattered and unworthy to answer all of her questions) so i figured it would be far better for me to simply blog it out...so megan, here are my best shots at advice for you (and any other bride hopeful who might be reading :) )...

• Choose a photographer you know - I feel so blessed and fortunate to have the most talented photographers at sessionninephotography capture our very best day. However, I unfortunately know too many friends who invited a photographer to participate in their most special day and pay them only for them to peace out along with their photos and money. So ask for testimonials and phone numbers of people whose weddings they have shot that would vouch for them
• Have someone, anyone, a videographer, your uncle, videotape your wedding - This was something I praise God my sweet husband was very stubborn about. I know videographers can be so costly and I did not want to burden my parents with the bill of a videographer. But luckily, Matt knew someone who would come shoot our wedding at no cost to us until we have money to pay for it. And I want to look at our video every 4 minutes. Because in the height of emotions and excitement, I regret to say I can hardly remember a second of our ceremony. 
• Have a first look, just the two of you - I, personally, do not fall under the age-old-tradition of the bride seeing her husband while she walks down the aisle. Matt & I had a special moment, just the two of us and our photographer, to see each other. We were forced to do so because our ceremony was at sunset so if we had not seen each other, we would have no sunny pictures of the two of us on our wedding day. Plus, it felt so intimate to have a few moments alone before the hustle & bustle of wedding day set in. It was such a special time for us to connect and snap a few photos. I know so many brides who would fight me on this, but again...this is my time to give my advice :) ...so there...
• look in to his eyes, and his eyes alone when you walk down the aisle - I remember walking down that aisle and I will for the rest of my life. Because my eyes found Matt's as soon as I stepped out of that car, and they did not leave him until we faced the crowd to walk back out of the ceremony together. I have seen so many weddings where the couple's eyes are on everyone but one another. And it makes me want to yell, "cut!" and run up on stage and re-position the couple and start over again. 
• Get pre-marital counseling - I know you already probably will, but I could not more strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. It brought up so much stuff for us to talk about and we still talk about it to this day. 
• Let the guys wear suits - Our groomsmen wore suits and they all thanked us for the amount of money it saved them. Or it gave them an excuse to invest in a suit they would have forever.
• Do not give in to sexual temptation before your wedding night - Matt & I set very strict boundaries that we did not cross. And I cannot tell you how thankful I am that we did so. So often when I look at him now, I am so thankful that what we share is a result of our marriage ceremony and we did not fail prior to it. It is so worth the wait. Every second of it.
• wear your lingerie - as you know, I just wore the lingerie you got for me for the first time on Sunday. that is messed up! I have done a horrible job of wearing all the beautiful pieces that people bought for me or I found for myself. This is as much a challenge for myself as it is for you! I thought before I got married that I would always wear it but everyone told me I wouldn't: unfortunately they were right. 
• Ask your married friends to be real with you - I feel as though I entered married life with rose-colored glasses. All I heard from everyone was how, "marriage was the best decision other than asking Christ to be my Savior that I ever made", "You will just love it", etc. etc. etc. love. love. love. gush. gush. gush. But when we actually got married and I would confess hardships in our marriage, all these same married friends would be like, "oh my gosh I know! that was hard for us too!" and I wanted to say well where was THAT three months ago!? So get real live stories of real life marriage from people...and not only the lovey gushy gory details. :) 
• Do not memorize your vows - if you choose to write your own vows, do not attempt to memorize them. This was passed on to me by both friends and pastors. If you try to memorize them, you will get so focused on remembering them that they will overtake your entire ceremony. If you choose to write your own, simply print them on pretty paper and have the pastor hand them to you. Or simply repeat the age old vows that so many who have gone before you have done...
• Buy two pair of your pretty wedding underwear - (submitted by Kaylyn Unterkofler) Make sure you have an extra pair of your pretty underwear because, let's be honest, you're under layers of heavy, not breathy wedding dress. You're gonna dance the night away. You're gonna get sweaty. Before you do the deed, make sure to change undies...or...
• Take a bath when you get to your hotel room - Matt & I took a bath first. This helped me, personally, immensely. Because I was clean and relaxed when we got out. And that, for me, made all the difference. It allowed us to slow down. Romance each other in the tub. And drink a glass of champagne and relax. And pray. And then he got out, and I stayed behind and got dressed... :) 
• Don't schedule your honeymoon or your gift opening or anything early the next morning - We slept in until noon the next morning. Or at least we stayed in bed. And it was so lovely knowing we had nowhere to be and could just sleep and bask in one another. I know so many people who have to be up at like 5am the next morning to catch a flight & it seems like such a drag! Because then you lose a few days of your honeymoon trying to catch up on sleep! In fact, we waited a week after our wedding to leave for our honeymoon. I loved it because, as a virginal bride, I was so sore! For the solid week after (yes, I'm being brutally honest) I wanted to cry. So by the honeymoon, I was at least a bit more comfortable. 
• Only put yourself in charge of enjoying your day, come D-day - (submitted by Jessica Charney) In other words, you should have no other job on your wedding day other than fully experiencing and enjoying every emotion. Don't let anyone come to you with any problems, hiccups, etc. Designate someone else to that task. That's what family is for. You just enjoy. It only happens one day. 

So, anyways, my dear friend, I hope these help! I'm sure I will think of several more along the way! Congratulations. I could not be more happy for you two. <3

stan and the venti coffee man...

this week there have been two separate, unrelated incidents that have restored my faith in humanity...I mean it's not like my faith was in shambles, but it is always nice to have it strengthened!

stan

This week, as I drove to California for my first of many trips, I felt as though my car was swerving a bit more than it should. But the road had been newly paved and I assumed it hadn't been properly pounded down by the huge steam roller thing. I approached Quartzite (and drove through it in a flash because it is approximately 2 exits) and kept ignoring my swerving car...until I passed the last exit and was about a half mile out of town and my tire popped. Luckily, I had been scared enough by my swerviness that I hadn't been driving that fast and it wasn't too traumatic (let's be honest Matt, my mom and my dad would beg to differ as it took me three minutes through sobbing tears to explain that I had not been in a fiery car crash but was on the side of the road with a flat...my first flat ever). 

After what seemed like a lifetime of waiting on the side of the road having no idea what to do, and while on the phone with a husband who was basically unable to come to my rescue, I heard a tiny horn honk. I looked behind me and saw a disheveled man with one button on his shirt properly buttoned and dirty feet and approximately five teeth in his mouth and a duct taped on windshield walking toward my car. My wave of sobs was so intense that he informed me to take a breath because, in his words, "I was actually scaring him!"

I quickly learned that this man's name was stan, that he had a tire blow out on him the week before, that he always kept a cooler with ice water in his trunk, that he ate sour patch kids, that his father had just passed away and he was on his way visit his widowed mother in Indio. 

He was so kind as to take me to a tire store, wait for two hours with me while the tire store took their sweet time to switch my rim from one tire to the next because the man in front of us complained about how long it was taking so, naturally, that translated to 'take longer please' and he took me back to my car and changed my tire. 

No kidnapping. No funny business. Just a passerby who was willing to help a stranded driver.

doug, i think

So I just moved to a new store and am still learning the customer's names and drinks but I am pretty sure this man's name is Doug. Doug, I think, works from home (or Starbucks) and sits at our store for hours while doing his work and ordering refills on coffee...which is fine with me because he actually abides by our refill policy and doesn't bring in a six-day-old-crusty-cup-with-red-lip-stick-on-the-rim-claiming-that-it-was-his...yes, your local baristas have seen pretty much every attempt at penny pinching. 

But Doug is different. Last week, as is custom for many days, Doug ordered his coffee and sat. A few hours and a few refills later, Doug was packed up for the day and ready to leave...but not with out one last cup of joe. He came up to the counter and asked for one more venti coffee. I informed the barista at the register, who had just clocked on for the day, that she should only charge him for a refill because he had previously ordered a beverage. 

This is where it gets good....

Without blinking an eye, he said, "no, no, no...I need to pay full price for this one. This is for my wife, not for me so I need to be charged." 

Shocking? I thought so...because it reminded me that there are still people with integrity in this world, driving the roads and ordering coffee.

3 months...

Well yesterday, Matt & I celebrated *(ok we really didn't do anything, but we said happy anniversary!) three months of marriage. This three month journey has really seemed like so much longer than three measly little months. We have been through far more in three short months, ninety-some-odd days, than I anticipated, and here is what I have learned:

• I really love to cook. Prior to this, I knew I liked to bake, but cooking was a realm I never really conquered before. And I love it. :) Not only do I love it, but I am good at it!
• Marriage is hard! I went in to marriage with every preconceived ideal that anyone could ever have and it hurt me. Because marriage is work! It is the very best kind of work, but it is hard! 
• Marriage is the most intense act of selflessness I have ever engaged in. I'm sure having a child will bring me to another whole level but for now, this step in marriage has been huge! I am not trying to toot my own horn by explaining all of the ways I have served Matt, but it is definitely a huge act of putting him first, in every situation and I have learned the hard way in some situations, but I am so much better for it. 
• There is no I in team. corny. true. believe it.
• Waiting to have sex until marriage, for me, was totally and completely worth it. At work, a few of my Christian unmarried friends have recently asked me if I am glad I waited til marriage and the answer is o.m.g. yes. Before June 12, I always secretly wondered if I would wake up June 13 and regret waiting. nope. To go along with that, sex is vital to the well-being of a relationship. I will be vulnerable *(as I usually always am on my blog) and share that there have been a few days where we have not been intimate and I can always tell in our attitudes toward one another.

If you are married, stop reading this and go have sex with your husband. 

• Oh, and another thing...another single friend of mine who is remaining a virgin until marriage asked me last week if, on our wedding night, I felt guilty for the sexual acts I engaged in (and this was a question I asked my married friends & had great concern about) and the answer? not. at. all. Being able to see his wedding ring on his finger and seeing mine and flashing back to moments of our marriage ceremony helped me but there were no feelings of guilt and I felt God was blessing our marriage bed. Anyways, enough of that...

• Weekly dates are so vital.
• I am not a morning person. 
• Now that I am in my own apartment, I really like/need to keep things super clean. Growing up, my mom always freaked out on me when clothes were on the floor or my bathroom wasn't clean. Now I get it. It drives me nuts. I love waking up in the morning to a tidy house with no dishes in the sink and I love crawling in to bed having to fold back the covers and take off the decorative pillows.
• I have to beat my body in to submission, as 1 Corinthians 9 says. Generally, I want to lay on the couch rather than doing that extra load of laundry, going to the gym, etc. etc. etc. and I can't tell you how many times a day I quote this verse: No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. (1 Cor. 9:12)
• I do NOT do finances. and I am SO thankful that my husband does. Praise Jesus for a husband who checks our bank accounts twelve times a day. 
• I am stronger than I think I am. The past week, I have dealt with a dead car battery and a blown out tire on the highway on the way to california. And I'm still alive. Thus, I am stronger than I think I am. 
• Pre-Marital counseling is SO worth it. Take the time, energy and effort, if you are not married, and go see a regular counselor. Sets you up for success. Matt & I didn't do as much as I wished we had but it is a jewel.
• Some days, I have to CHOOSE to love Matt. Love is a choice. So cliche, I know. But seriously, so true.

Anyways, these are just a few of the things I have learned on my short journey thus far. If you are single, live up your single life! love it! embrace it! because it is such a gift! I am so fond of my single years with roommates and girls nights and all the beauty that comes along with it...

arch enemy: splenda

ok, my dear friends...many of you may already know (or have read my facebook status) that I hate-hate-hate-loathe-loathe-loathe:

splenda

I know I am immediately creating enemies with approximately 98% of women in the world who swear by faux sugar substitutes, but I am ok with that as long as I can scare just a few out of dumping the little yellow packet down the garbage rather than in your bevvies.

A few years ago, we had a regular customer who would order her usual beverage at the bux (which consisted of about 8 splenda) a few times a day. However, one day she came in and stopped us from going about making her usual drink. She informed us she had just come from the doctor's office due to severe stomach pains. After a few routine tests, her doctor concluded that she had holes in her stomach lining. His first question? 

do you drink splenda?

He warned her never to drink splenda again because he sees cases like this every day. 

Naturally, I told everyone I knew to stop drinking splenda. but then the warning wore off and I sort of would bring it up in conversations here and there (i.e. when one of my partners would drink it, I would warn them against it). 

Until last night...another customer struck again! He came in and had to switch up his regular drink because he had just come from the doctor's office and was told he had holes in HIS stomach lining due to splenda! 

The moral of this story? STOP DRINKING SPLENDA!!!!!