Lee

This is Lee.

Lee and I go way back. I mean 6th grade, ridiculousness back. We met at church and were instantly dear friends. We went to camp together and were connected at the hip, forming the type of friendship that lasts a lifetime. He was in my caller ID at my parent's house as "Southdale" (our local mall in Edina, MN) because he was my best shopping friend (in fact, we shared sweaters all the time...we were in 7th grade people, give us a break). We layed out for hours in his backyard and watched endless hours of him barrel racing his horses. We lit Gap "Dream" incense and just got lost in its amazing scent (in fact, I cannot dare smell that scent without drifting back to my younger years with Lee by my side). We never shared a romantic connection but we were always just best friends and I consider him to be like a brother to me. My parents loved him like a second son.

Our friendship tended to often consist of him smoking and drinking and hanging out with girl after girl and me just shaking my head disapprovingly. My heart always hurt for the decisions he would make but I would never give up on him. I hoped there would come a day when he would know and love the Lord.

We graduated and he went off to college at UND where he partied with the best of them. He pledged Sigma Chi and, I'm sure, was the life of every single party. He would fly down to Arizona and we would lay out (and he always got more tan than me...jerk). In fact, I got in to my very first bar when I was 19 because of stinkin' Lee...because he had a fake ID that was impeccable...except that it claimed he was of the female gender....eeek! don't worry people, i didn't drink.

But then one weekend....

My phone rang. and it was Lee. He called to tell me he was taking our friend's little sister up to a Campus Crusade (Christian parachurch ministry) retreat and, rather than driving the hours to and from only to pick her back up, he was going to remain at the retreat for the weekend. My heart did a tiny back flip but then I tried not to get too excited because he was, Lee, after all. The life of the party who would most likely come back with two new girls in love with him.

And then, on Sunday, my phone rang again. And it was Lee. Well, it was Lee but then again it wasn't. It was a new Lee. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember where I was. I remember what I was wearing, even.  He called and explained that he was a new man. He was changed. He told me that he met men on this retreat that he could be more vulnerable and more real with than he had ever been with anyone in his entire life. And he has never ever looked back. 

I prayed for this man for years. I mean years. I would just ache for him as I would watch him live the life that he claimed was fulfilling and making him appear to be so happy and carefree. But I knew that God wanted more from him. 

Lee spent several years working for Campus Crusade and, for about a year has now been a pastor at a church back in Edina. Wild. absolutely wild. I still literally could get goosebumpy and teary thinking about this brother-figure of mine, a pastor! I have seen him tons of times since his conversion but every time it's like the sweetest reunion and just sheer beauty as I watch this man who is so passionately in love with God. 

Anyhow, Lee had the privilege of speaking in the main service last weekend at church and he emailed me the link to his sermon so I immediately listened. The first fifteen seconds were absolutely surreal for me, as I listened to this very grown and wise sounding voice coming from my childhood friend! And I thought, 'well this will be great to listen to'....

but then I really began to listen. and he began to share what the Spirit had put on his heart. And I was left in tears. Because Lee met me right where I was at. He challenged me as if he were speaking straight to me and me, alone. (that's the beauty of the Holy Spirit) And then I realized how crazy beautiful it was that this childhood friend of mine could push me spiritually, from thousands of miles away and I could be encouraged by his words, as I know so many were this past weekend. 

Lee spoke on advent and on what this season means for us. That we should expect love to show up in our lives through this season. And then asked us what we are expecting for and thirsting for that we need to lay at the foot of the cross. Lee shared how he entered a season of his life coming out of Crusade that he struggled deeply with who he was and I am going through that season even now. He was thirsty. I am thirsty. The woman at the well was thirsty. And so often we look for thirst in things that will not satisfy. Lee explained how he thirsted for recognition, comfort, to maintain a good image, etc. I thirst for all of those things. And I know God is kneading my soul right now and it hurts so badly. But it is so comforting to know that my friend, Lee, went through this, too. And so did David as he wrote in Psalm 38:10;15 - "My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes - it has also gone from me...But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer." 

and the woman at the well came, ultimately, to be relieved of her physical thirst, but scripture tells us she left her water jar at the well in order to walk back and tell everyone whom she met. She left the very thing she came to the well requiring. She knew that she had just received so much more than physical fulfillment. Her soul was quenched. And so is mine.

Selah.

ps if you would like to listen to this sermon, you can click here.

24 hours later...

Ok friends. another update. I know. No posts in like a month and now 2 within 24 hours. But what can I say?

I am listening to this song (shocker) called "You are More" by Hillsong and it is blowing my mind:

On the Day I called, you answered me. 
And the hope in my soul increased.
I lift my hands and turn my eyes 
to the God who heals my heart 
and gives me peace.
You are more than my words could ever say
You are Lord over all, over all my days.
I will see this season through, 
I will fix my eyes on you, 
only You, only You


Ok so that's just part of the song and this song is just pulling me through right now.
I am sitting in my favorite place, can you guess? the Coffeeshop. This is my sanctuary. I know I've said that before but, I'm sorry, every time I come here, the Lord just meets me and blows my mind.
And when I sat down an hour ago my heart was heavy again. I hadn't yet opened my Bible today and, even though I listened to a sermon and some great songs while I was running this morning, I didn't feel like I had spent quality time with God yet and I was so thirsty to do so. So I turned on my favorite playlist and then remembered I just bought this new Hillsong album. And that's when this song blew my mind.
Because yesterday and even sometimes today, I did not want to fix my eyes on Jesus or see this season through. But I read a friend's facebook status this morning that challenged my thinking so much. It said:

"My goal is God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road." -Oswald Chambers.

And that thought kicked me in the butt. Because can I say that, even through this season? That in hardship and struggle and pain and hurt and brokenness that God is my goal and not happiness, contentment, joy? And what's more is that "any cost" could cost me my comfort and my contentment and my joy. Does that make sense? because it's blowing my mind.
I think last week I would have read that quote and thought, "YAH! AMEN, GOD YOU ARE MY GOAL!" but this week, when I have hit probably my lowest of low seasons in my life if I can say that quote at the end of the day in the midst of this pain, then praise God.
Friends, I know this trial in my life probably does not compare to some of the things you are going through or have gone through but I hope and pray that whatever season you are going through, you can proclaim that God is your ultimate goal. Over anything. I promise it's worth it.

I'm beginning to love this season. And three days ago I didn't think that would ever happen.

taking off my mask...

During the course of my blog I know I have posted several times about the year I gave up make-up for Lent. It was during that time that I realized how much of me I was really shedding than simply the amount of make-up I wore on my face. Sure, everyone and anyone could visually see me but it was in the simple act of removing my make-up that I allowed myself to become vulnerable to others. And since that time I have really attempted to allow myself to be known by others. Because I feel so strongly in learning from one another and seeing the beauty in the broken.

So, friends, I am broken.

I had a potential job opportunity at my current church and had a huge interview on Monday and, simply stated, I blew it. I mean royally blew it.

And the rest of Monday and Tuesday and half of today were ruined. I had to get part of my shift covered at work yesterday because I could not focus for even one second.

And Matt tried to cheer me up. And my mom. And my dad. And two precious friends came over with a circle k slushie and peanut butter m&m's to let me cry and offer whatever comfort they could. And I even tried cheering myself up. I took a bubble bath and used my finest LUSH products. And I listened to my cheer you up songs. And lit candles. And I went for a run. And I read my typical pick-me-up devotionals. But I just did not even want to, or desire to, pull myself up off the proverbial floor. (well, i suppose figuratively and literally)

But today, I texted my aunt and asked, in a moment of sheer desperation and brokenness, if I could please come over because I was at the end of my rope. It was my last ditch effort at trying to restore whatever smattering of sanity or hope I had left. And so we talked. And 1 o' clock passed. and then two. and then three. and finally, by four o' clock I have come to realize some things that I think I will forever file away in an emergency "when you want to fall on the floor and do nothing else with yourself and you hate yourself and want to throw up and never read anything inspirational" file.

First. Satan is real. He has begged and pleaded me to disown my belief that God could possibly ever care for me. He has tried his darndest (and is even trying now) to make me think that I could ever be part of God's elect. And on Monday, and Tuesday and part of today, I chose to believe that lie. I focused on my flaws and my horrific interview. and my weaknesses. and listened to the booming voice rather than straining to hear the voice of my Savior. Who beckens to me gently to come away. I read a book a long time ago that I have been re-reading the past few months. It is entitled, "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning and it is SO perfect for when you're failing to realize God's love and calling over your life. Anyhow, in one of it's pages, it reveals this verse (and maybe I've shared this before so forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

My love lifts up his voice, he says to me, 'Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come

For see, winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers are appearing on the earth. The season of glad songs has come, the cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree is forming its first figs and the blossoming vines give out their fragrance. Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come.

'My dove, hiding in the clefts of the rock, in the coverts of the cliff, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.' -Song of Songs 2:9-14 This verse has pulled me out of the deepest ruts because, while I fight to believe that I am lovely or that he calls to me, I see through the pages of scripture that this is God's true desire for me. Over and over and over again in scripture we see God's fierce affection, devotion and faithfulness to His people, so why would I be so arrogant to think I am beyond this affection? In our missional community the past few weeks, we have been exploring the idea of humility and what the Micah 6:8 portion of "walk humbly with your God" means. I asked God to expose areas of pride in my life. (warning: perhaps be a bit more prepared than I was when asking God to reveal pride in your life...it hurts real bad) Well He did. He just did it in a really radical way. Let me explain. After I came home from the worst interview of the century, I was soaking in the tub. And, amidst my sobs, a thought came across my mind: "I was so excited to post on facebook and my blog to let my friends know about my new exciting position that I finally had in ministry. After so many years of serving coffee, finally I will prove to everyone that I am worth something.... Oh my gosh I have told so many different people about this opportunity that I cannot face them because I am mortified and so humiliated that I blew it so huge." this long thought was shortly interrupted by this second thought, "whenever people post statuses on facebook, you never see the vulnerable side of them. you sometimes will catch on to an emotional verse or quote posted that clues you in to something that must be deeper that is going on in their life but you never see...'Well, i blew that job interview' or 'I gained 10 pounds'. You see so many people posting about their joys and accomplishments." (ps I am not knocking anyone for celebrating accomplishments publicly...I have probably done it dozens of times myself) As soon as that thought came, my own pride was revealed. Because I didn't want to stand and face anyone (i.e. other small group leaders in jr high, my missional community, matt's bosses, my co-workers, my friends, my family, etc.) and let them know the reality of what happened. I didn't want to let anyone know what had happened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide and no one to ever seek. But I know this post, and my being vulnerable will help someone. Some day. Some how. Second. (sorry it took me so long to get to 2) God's will may be hard to discern, but His peace is not. My aunt taught me that today. When I cannot understand what God is doing or if He is even amidst my situation and my struggling, I need to pray for peace. Because God will grant peace when we seek it out. And my aunt, if anyone, has the street cred to claim that truth. Because, a long time ago, her young husband died instantly from a massive heart attack while he was deer hunting. And then shortly afterward, her house burned down to the ground. If anyone could claim that there is no peace in God, it is her. But she has stood up under the truth that God grants peace that surpasses all understanding and what's better is that this peace will guard our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). Third. Allow others in your inner circle to see the real you. Monday, Tuesday, and part of today Matt has begged me to open up to him about what was going on in my mind. And it took listening to a country song and weeping when he got in the door for him to see my heart. (that pride thing, again) Because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball or become bitter and angry. But I chose in that moment, finally, to let him in. I do this all of the time. whenever something hurts or is hard and people want to come alongside me, my first inclination is to lock the door or drive far away and turn my phone off. But that is my pride. dang my pride. I have nothing else to leave you with other than these words "come away, my beloved, my lovely one come." -God