2011...

Well I have blogging for ONE YEAR!!! I can't believe it's gone so quickly. Sorry I have been a little MIA lately, but I had pneumonia and did not want to move a muscle!

As I sit here, after working one of the most insane shifts of my life, I ponder where I was at at this exact time last year:

• I was sitting at my parents house, that no longer exists
• I was waiting to see my boyfriend, Matt :) 
• I had finished working at a store I no longer work at
• I drove a car I no longer drive (as of yesterday!)
• My hair had about 17 more inches of length
• I was going to ring in the new year with my Noni, who is now in heaven
• I had a year and a half of grad school left 
• I only had one nephew, Hudson and now I have a niece (Avalynne) and a nephew on the way! (Max)

I am sure there are several more differences between 2009 and 2010 but that's all I can think of at the moment :) I always love welcoming in a new year because I don't know what it will bring. I welcome both the struggles and the success.

I remember sitting in a Francis Chan seminar almost 7 years ago (has it been that long?!)  and he posed this question: What if I told you that, during 2011 (I changed the year) your life would be roses. You would have no one die, no sickness, no sadness but only happiness and good things.  However, you would not grow any closer to God.  Now what if I told you that your 2011 would be wrought with hardship and death and illness and difficulty but your relationship with Christ would be second to none. You would grow so much in your relationship with Christ that you are almost a totally different person. What would you choose?  Would you choose the easy, happy route or would you choose the suffering?

Sadly, most (according to his survey) chose the easy road.  But I pray that we would both choose the suffering because Christ is so worth it.

Adios, 2010. It's been a blast. Now bring on 2011!!!

The Search For Significance

Hey all...

So, I haven't written for awhile because, well to tell you the truth, I don't feel creative enough.

Satan has been doing (trying to do) a work on my self worth lately.  So I chose to read a book called The Search for Significance.  This book is such a gem if you struggle with self esteem, or beauty, or guilt or acceptance that you are God's beloved, or co-dependency, or so many other things.

While I was reading a particular portion, however, I felt so convicted. 

It is the chapter on shame. 

The author mentions that sometimes, shame can result in a loss of creativity.

check.

Lately, I have seriously not felt worthy enough, creative enough, or wise enough to write anything worth your time.  I would spend hours trying to think of something that would be captivating and leave people breathless. and nothing would come. I would open a new post and sit there with an empty head. and close my computer and walk away. feeling worse than I did when I originally sat down.

McGee (author) says, "When we are ashamed of ourselves over a period of time, the cutting edge of our creativity atrophies. We tend to become so preoccupied with our own inferiority that we are unable to come up with new ideas. Often believing that whatever we attempt will fail, we may choose to avoid doing anything that isn't a proven success and relatively risk-free."

So, from now on, I will continue to blog.



ps. thanks for reading

Today...

Today has been...well...rough.

For no reason in particular. But do you ever have one of those days where life just seems to get you down? Well, December 6, you are one of those days for me.

I have hit my 12-week slump of coming out to California and I just desperately miss my husband. The alarm went off this morning at 5:23am and I woke up just wanting to burst in to tears. Because I was so warm and cozy and cuddled up in Matt's arms. And I knew that in two hours I would be saying goodbye. again. Then we got in the car and I realized half way to the airport that I left my phone and charger on my nightstand.

I have been spending the day looking at pictures of myself that are less-than-beautiful. Sitting in classes where I feel out-of-my-league. Looking at blogs of wives who are on-top-of-everything (and realizing that my Christmas decorations consist of one wreath hanging on our door). Staring at a study guide that seems impossible to cram into my brain by next week. I just feel internally beat up. and so tired.

So I remembered a verse that my mom always used to tell me that we should not look at the things God has given others..and I can't even find the reference. And that's bugging me, too.

So anyways, I realize I only have one more week of commuting before a month long hiatus. So I am going to power through. But in the mean time, here is my to do list during break, which I'm already so excited for:


 TO DO OVER CHRISTMAS BREAK:
SAND AND PAINT CABINET
CHRISTMAS/THANK YOU CARDS
COLOR COORDINATE BOOK SHELF
HANG CURTAINS
READ FOR PLEASURE
MAKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS DOILIES
MINI APPOINTMENT
HAVE GREAT QUIET TIMES
MAKE SUGAR SCRUB






It is so hard for me to believe that in exactly 7 days, this semester will be over. And I will be a second-semester senior. ahhhhh...