As a little girl, I was the most stubborn little (albeit adorable) thing you have ever seen.
When I put my mind to something, there was absolutely no de-railing my actions. Come to think of it, I suppose this is still the way I am (just ask Matt).
However, as I have grown up, I realized this has bit me back really hard. Let me explain. If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you hear me speak about outward appearance, self consciousness, beauty, etc. What I pieced together recently is that I set my mind on hating myself and that's exactly what I have done. Even in those seasons of life where I thought I loved myself, the stubborn little Carley-girl came back with a vengeance to re-claim the girl she created: this girl who was fearful, anxious, ugly, fat, worthless, etc.
And I would put a bandaid over a bullet wound by reading sweet little books like "Captivating" or "Do you think I'm Beautiful" or some other adorable Christian girl books. But what I have realized during this past season of life is on a whole other spectrum.
About a month ago, Matt & I were driving home from our niece's 2nd birthday and, as usual, we were listening to Matt Chandler. In this particular sermon, he mentioned the benefit found in breaking up quiet times in to Scripture reading, prayer and the reading of a theological book. That thought struck me, so the next day I went to my (rather large) selection of books and one literally jumped off the shelf at me. (and by jumped off the shelf, I mean it sat on top of the shelf all on its own) The book is "Desiring God" by John Piper.
And this book has taught me more in the 128 pages I have read so far than almost any other book I have ever read. I have come to grasp that God designed us to find our ultimate pleasure and happiness only in Him. When we try to put any other thing to fill that void, it leaves us wanting. This book is making me look at God and fall in love with Him like I have never ever ever done before. And what's strange is...it's making me look at myself way less and much differently.
About 3 weeks ago, I asked my aunt to start mentoring me. After some prayer and discussion, we decided we would read the book "Created to be God's Friend" by Henry Blackaby. Alright Henry, that's a pretty cliche women's ministry-esque title We are in chapter 2 and what I read tonight laid me flat on my back. Tucked inside page 17 is this phrase, "So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!" I continued reading and then was thrown back in to this sentence like I was hit by a truck. Wait, wait, wait...."So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!" If this is true, then God called me, chose me (sorry if this is offensive to you Armini's) and equipped me and I am guaranteed to complete that which He set out for me to complete. Guaranteed. A few sentences later he says, "and what absolute confident expectation should rest in every life who today knows the call of God on him."
The more days I live on this earth, the more I realize that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. And what happens when my eyes are on Jesus? They are no longer fixed on me! AH! Jesus! So good.
I have so many amazing friends that get tripped up on this stupid self image thing and I'm so sick of it. Satan is such a tricky little bastard (yup, said it) and knows that one of the most powerful ways to absolutely cripple a woman is by making her focus her attention on herself, all the while dwindling her effectiveness and gifting that could transform this world.
Friends, if you are like I was and have read every imaginable self-help book out there but still find yourself helpless, try something new and start pouring in to God's word. It is alarming how much less time you will spend worrying about the digital display of a scale. It is just as alarming how secure you will feel knowing that this God you study and worship is freaking crazy about you.
Go down a few posts from this and read the lyrics to the Christy Nockels song, "Be Loved" and live those words. You are loved.
Selah.
