Advent.

Being raised in the church, I heard my fair share of Christmas carols. I clearly remember sitting next to my mom and grandma during Christmas season church services and they would both be in tears singing those old familiar carols.

I didn't understand what they were crying about.

I do now.

This weekend our church launched Christmas season. Our lobby was decorated with beautiful Christmas trees. Signs hung on the walls. And as we sung the old familiar "O Come All Ye Faithful" my eyes spilled over with tears.

Darn those genetics...they caught up to me.

But those words struck me,

"O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!"

That's what Christmas is about.

I am always thoughtful of Easter through observing Lent, but for some reason, Advent has been less celebrated in my life.

Also this weekend, our worship director read an excerpt from Cardinal Timothy Dolan that I must share. I pray it will move you the way it did me and prepare your heart for this season of Advent:

Advent is our spiritual "getting ready" for Christmas. We try to squash into four weeks all the hoping, longing, preparing...all the waiting of the People of Israel, our older family members in the household of faith.

...We wait for His grace and mercy, sure to come;

...We wait for Him to answer our prayers, sure He will, but unsure when, where or how;

...We wait for reasons to explain suffering, struggle, and worries;

...We wait for Him to call us to be with Him for all eternity;

And lest we forget, the Lord waits for us!

...Jesus waits for us to open up to His grace and mercy;

...Jesus waits for us to admit that, as a matter of fact, we do need a Savior!

...Jesus waits for us to admit that He is the answer to the questions our lives of searching pose.

...Jesus waits for our ultimate return to him, for He "has gone to prepare a place for us."

I pray this Advent season will be contemplative and peaceful for your family.

Selah. 

Please Read.

Dearest friends and strangers,

As a little girl, I was the most stubborn little (albeit adorable) thing you have ever seen.

See?! Told ya! (ps what's up with my mom's hair?!)


When I put my mind to something, there was absolutely no de-railing my actions. Come to think of it, I suppose this is still the way I am (just ask Matt).

However, as I have grown up, I realized this has bit me back really hard. Let me explain. If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you hear me speak about outward appearance, self consciousness, beauty, etc. What I pieced together recently is that I set my mind on hating myself and that's exactly what I have done. Even in those seasons of life where I thought I loved myself, the stubborn little Carley-girl came back with a vengeance to re-claim the girl she created: this girl who was fearful, anxious, ugly, fat, worthless, etc.

And I would put a bandaid over a bullet wound by reading sweet little books like "Captivating" or "Do you think I'm Beautiful" or some other adorable Christian girl books. But what I have realized during this past season of life is on a whole other spectrum.

About a month ago, Matt & I were driving home from our niece's 2nd birthday and, as usual, we were listening to Matt Chandler. In this particular sermon, he mentioned the benefit found in breaking up quiet times in to Scripture reading, prayer and the reading of a theological book. That thought struck me, so the next day I went to my (rather large) selection of books and one literally jumped off the shelf at me. (and by jumped off the shelf, I mean it sat on top of the shelf all on its own) The book is "Desiring God" by John Piper.

And this book has taught me more in the 128 pages I have read so far than almost any other book I have ever read. I have come to grasp that God designed us to find our ultimate pleasure and happiness only in Him. When we try to put any other thing to fill that void, it leaves us wanting. This book is making me look at God and fall in love with Him like I have never ever ever done before. And what's strange is...it's making me look at myself way less and much differently.

About 3 weeks ago, I asked my aunt to start mentoring me. After some prayer and discussion, we decided we would read the book "Created to be God's Friend" by Henry Blackaby. Alright Henry, that's a pretty cliche women's ministry-esque title We are in chapter 2 and what I read tonight laid me flat on my back. Tucked inside page 17 is this phrase, "So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!"  I continued reading and then was thrown back in to this sentence like I was hit by a truck. Wait, wait, wait...."So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!" If this is true, then God called me, chose me (sorry if this is offensive to you Armini's) and equipped me and I am guaranteed to complete that which He set out for me to complete. Guaranteed. A few sentences later he says, "and what absolute confident expectation should rest in every life who today knows the call of God on him."

The more days I live on this earth, the more I realize that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. And what happens when my eyes are on Jesus? They are no longer fixed on me! AH! Jesus! So good.

I have so many amazing friends that get tripped up on this stupid self image thing and I'm so sick of it. Satan is such a tricky little bastard (yup, said it) and knows that one of the most powerful ways to absolutely cripple a woman is by making her focus her attention on herself, all the while dwindling her effectiveness and gifting that could transform this world.

Friends, if you are like I was and have read every imaginable self-help book out there but still find yourself helpless, try something new and start pouring in to God's word. It is alarming how much less time you will spend worrying about the digital display of a scale. It is just as alarming how secure you will feel knowing that this God you study and worship is freaking crazy about you.

Go down a few posts from this and read the lyrics to the Christy Nockels song, "Be Loved" and live those words. You are loved.


Selah.

I love...

1. jolly ranchers. got hooked on them again when our high school pastor stocked up for his kids and left them unattended in his cubicle...rookie mistake.

2. the gym. i got a new membership at mountainside fitness and it is so inspiring to work out around people who are so in shape. it is also pretty depressing.

3. rain. we have gotten a lot of it this summer! so crazy! 

4. our home. we have had our missional community at our home the last 2 weeks and the feeling of watching people i love gather in our living room and learn about God and each other is pretty glorious.

5. cheers. like the show from the 80's. matt & i don't have a tv so sometimes we let ourselves watch netflix in bed on the iPad. matt begged me to watch 1 episode and i got hooked! we love it!

6. old friends. my dearest friend, sarah, and i re-connected over iced tea the other day and we have such a beautiful history together and hopefully a beautiful future, too.

7. fresh & easy. just love it.

8. fans. i love the feeling of circulating air to cool you down. so weird. so true. i have thought this many times the past week.

9. that it's august 24th and i got to drive to the gym today with my windows down! it was 82 degrees at 9am! what?!?

10. second chances. that's a bit cryptic, i know, but i really like 'em.

11. shoes. which reminds me how much i love boots. and how DSW is stocked with their fall collection and i want to purchase them all. every last pair.

You're invited!

Lately I have really tried to intentionally invite God in to every aspect of my day. I know, this might sound juvenile and second nature to a lot of you. But, for me, I have found that the majority of days went on with Bible time in the morning, which included prayer, and then I tucked my Bible on the shelf and went to work (Irony of all ironies...I work at a church so a common misconception is that all of us are sitting in a circle all day singing koom-by-ah, talking about the things of God 24/7). 

What I think I have never heard ever in my life is that maybe, just maybe having a "quiet time", "devotional", "devo", or whatever else you may choose to call it isn't just meant to be a one-time sit down session per day. While it is a great practice and Spiritual discipline, I am left to wonder if maybe God wants to have access to my heart and mind the other 16 or so hours I am awake per day. For awhile, it was a stretch to even find the time to sit down per day at all. I would give myself an 'attagirl for the day if I would sit down and fly through whatever devotional I was reading. And that sufficed for awhile. And then reading my Bible for 10 minutes a day left me satisfied. And then 20. But, it's funny how if you give God a doorway in to your day, He has a way of seeping in and wanting more.

It's also funny how I want to give Him more! I was in a meeting this week with some of our Micah 6:8 Team leaders. We broke in to groups for some discussion time over some passages. After our group was done with discussion, one of the staff members was vulnerable enough to tell us how much he yearns for time away with the Lord but he just can't find the time right now in this season of life. I so appreciated his honesty and could identify at one point in my life. But right now, I am in this sweet season that I have to force myself to get up from the table to go to work because all I want to do is sit and bask in my Father's presence. I am learning and growing by leaps and bounds right now and it is so exciting for me. While I say this, I am also in an incredibly tough season of life, too...so don't think that a "good" relationship with God equals daisies and sunshine. But as I pondered the past two weeks, I wouldn't change them for a single thing. Because I am learning to intentionally invite God to come with me: come with me as I drive (which, coincidentally means a lot less road rage), come with me as I work out, come with me as I grocery shop, come with me as I enter this meeting to discuss church membership strategies, come with me as I talk with Matt. But it has been hard! I have to constantly remind myself to bring God along. To let the Holy Spirit work through me and give me answers or words when I'm in a conversation.

Remember this post? Well, I am reading a book that has something painfully similar (albeit, way more masterful) and I want to share it with you. It's from a book called Story by Steven James:

boxing god.
come here, god, i'd like to keep you in this little shoe box. i'd like to pull you out whenever i need you and put you away whenever i don't. come on. climb in.
there you go...now, let me just slide this lid over the top and...
okay, now, i'll just set you here in the closet and keep you handy for a rainy day...
hmm...i have to say, i didn't think you'd fit so easily. i actually thought i might have to really pound on you to squeeze you in there.
imagine that. pounding on you to make you fit! ha. how funny is that?
well, g-bye. you be a good little god, now. don't go climbing out of your box. i'll be back to feed you later.



This poem pretty well sums up my past relationship with God. I would call out to Him when I needed Him or, even when I wanted to praise Him for something...but I would categorize my life in to "Carley time" and "God time" (about 90/10 to be honest).

How about you? Do you find it challenging to invite God to go with you throughout your day? I challenge you to start literally verbalizing your invitation to Him. That's what I have done. I wrote it in my journal and then whenever I'm driving or whenever I realize I haven't invited Him, I make it a point to do so. I didn't come up with this idea all on my own.

I was blessed with one of the most incredible bosses this world has ever known. And she would do this. We would be in the middle of lunch, talking about something, and she would just speak to God like he was sitting at the table with us. She would invite Him to speak in to our conversation. And it was so............weird at first! But then I started realizing how beautiful it was and how foolish I had been! He's present with us already, so we are silly not to speak to Him and include him in to the conversation! It also hit me that God's not going to barge His way in to our conversations and coming and goings without our invitation. Our God doesn't force entry. He merely waits for the invitation and will take what He gets. I invite you to give Him more.


Selah.

I'm back.

Hi friends.

I realize it has been embarrassingly long since I have blogged and I'm not quite sure how to do this anymore. Plus, I'm not sitting at The Coffeeshop so I'm even more out of my element.

But alas, I will blog it out.

As I sat this evening reading through several old blog posts, I realize how much they are truly soothing to my soul. Blogging releases a certain amount of fear that bottles up inside of me. It allows me to unveil portions of my soul that are otherwise shoved down deep. But I feel I need to apologize to you, dear reader, because I am not blogging for you. For a while, I think I was. I would read and edit and chop up sentences that didn't sound fancy enough and just when I had as shiny of a blog post as I could conjure, I would post it as my status on Facebook and anxiously await for people to "Like" it or comment.

And as I read through blog posts of Yore, it has become clear to me that I get tripped up over the same hurdles in life over and over. And then I stand up, brush myself off...and get pummeled again. And so I hit my knees, praying that God will somehow, someway against all odds find it in His God-sized heart to take me back. Pitiful, broken, scared, scarred, wounded and all. But then I read things over and over throughout the span of Scripture that just enamor me.

That God is actually begging ME to take HIM back. He is waiting for me with open arms to stop hating myself, beating myself up, doubting myself, being fearful and just run in to His open arms. I read in Micah 6:3-5 when God is desperately trying to remind His people of His faithfulness. It makes me cry to read and just try to imagine God's broken heart as he pleads with them to remember. And I read through Hosea when God continually runs after His unrepentant people. And I read Song of Solomon, that, yes, is written about lovers but so beautifully portrays God's affection for His bride, The Church.  And I read of the Prodigal Son. Whose father sees him before he even knows about it and there is a party upon his return. And then I read of Jesus. Who loved us so much that He was innocent yet went to a cross to pay my penalty.

I know that 99% of my posts are written from The Coffeeshop. I also know that 99% of my posts include an excerpt from a song that is ripping through my soul. Well, my friend, I may be typing from the comfort of my own home this evening (yep, that's right...we have a HOME. OUR HOME), but I do have a song! So some things are still the same. Holy Cow. Christy Nockels. "Be Loved". Here are the words. But please go to Spotify or iTunes and please let her voice sooth that spot in your soul. 


Have you ever let yourself be loved, by the One who made you?
Have you ever told your soul to believe that His heart is on your side?
You could even try to run away but there's nothing you could do,

So just be loved. Be loved He loves you.
Just be loved. Be loved He loves you.

Have you ever let yourself be held by the One who holds this world?
Have you ever told your soul to rejoice, that His arms are open wide
You could even try to run away but He'd come running after you

So just be held. Be held He holds you.
Just be held. Be held He holds you.

We didn't earn it, He just chose to give it and it's in our resting that we rise up singing "Rejoice!" again I say, "Rejoice!" "Rejoice!" 

You are loved! Be loved, He loves you! 
You are loved! Be loved, He loves you! He loves you!  



Selah, my friends. He loves you. 
 

the half. continued.

Remember this post?

Well, the day has finally come (although it's two weeks later than predicted in the above post).

I run my FIRST half marathon ever TOMORROW MORNING!!!!

Wish me luck!

13.1 miles. I'm going to own you!

Stirring & Robbing...

So the past month has been nothing less than a crazy roller coaster of emotions.

Our missional community has been going through the book of Philippians. Well, we came upon the topic of what stirs our affections for God and what robs our affections for God.


So, for homework, we decided to go home and discuss with our spouse what things are that stir our emotions for God and what things are that rob our affections. I want to share my list for you and I want you to start thinking this week of what things are that do the same for you. I think the awareness of these things can have a lasting impact on our spiritual health.

**note: things that stir our affections for God are things that draw us nearer to Him. Things that bring praise and thankfulness to our thoughts and mind. Things that rob our affection are things that keep us from dwelling in that Shalom with God. These things do not have to take hours out of your day, they could be things that take only but a second but hinder your relationship with God.*

Things that Stir my Affections toward God:

1) Worship music. I know this one does not come as much of a shock. I could listen to the same Hillsong song for weeks on repeat without ever getting sick of it. I run to the same 7-song playlist every week and it never gets old. I just love worshiping by myself (or in a community of believers) in the car, running, at home, at the coffee shop, etc. I just love. Recently, I started taking my favorite worship songs and journaling them out as a prayer to God. Very affective (effective? don't know which one) for me.

2) Reading the Bible. Not having any length or time constraint. I think those two things are huge for me because a few years ago, I probably would have put reading the Bible on things that rob my affections due to the legalistic stigma I had attached to "quiet times". But lately, the Bible has just come alive for me and I have written down several verses on note cards that I am trying to commit to memory. I love it. Plus, if I am going in to spiritual battle, I better have my weapons on me and, in this season of my life, I find myself in a near constant state of battle.

3) Running. WHAT?!?! This is so anti-what I would have written a few years ago! But I seriously am loving it. Many of you know I used to travel 6-hours to and from school every single week. That was a lot of time spent alone in my car...and I loved every minute of it. Well, running has sort of taken that spot for me. I love the time spent alone, with just me, my iPod and my thoughts. I covet that time now.

4) Rain. Every single time it rains it seriously feels like God is replenishing and reviving my soul. I feel like I am being inwardly cleansed. I might even couple rain with all-things-nature. Whenever I drive up to Sedona I want to cry at how creative and beautiful God's creation is. This is another reason why I love traveling as much as I do because I get to see portions of God's creation like I have never seen it before (ps...apparently we have discovered a new planet that is sustainable for life?!?!?! they are calling it the "goldy-locks" planet because it is not too hot and not too cold, it is just right....praise God! that is crazy!) 

5)  Coffeeshops. For the same reason I love running, I love coffeeshops. I come and sit for hours and get lost in sermons, songs, espresso, journals, etc. etc. Love them. Love them.

6) Theology. Studying theology, for me, is something that greatly increases and stirs my affections for God because I just continue to uncover and uncover more truth. God's word is incredible. I would add to this portion of my list listening to inspired pastors and theologians. I marvel and praise God for the mind that they have been given to be able to communicate and process such deep truths.

7) Vulnerability. In letting other people in to my weakness, hurts, fears, failures, etc I am able to experience the community in which God desperately longs for me to dwell. One specific friend that jumps out in my mind through this season is my friend, Mallorie. I met Mallorie several years ago because she was dating one of my friends. But by the grace of God, Mallorie was brought back in to my life and even in to our missional community. Mallorie is one of the most real individuals I have ever encountered...and I mean real. She has no walls up no defenses, you just see Mallorie's spirit with skin on when you look at her. She is so willing to be vulnerable and invite you to be vulnerable as well. She has walked alongside me faithfully throughout this season of my life and is the type of friend that, when she asks how you are doing, she means it with every fiber of her being. She gives you her undivided attention. For this reason, she has broken through much of my ridiculously prideful exterior and has seen the core of my heart and its brokenness. And in that, I see God. Because in that moment, amidst the tears and hurt, she has stood by me and has prayed for me so faithfully and has been a literal presence of God to me. And I would have never experienced that if not for vulnerability. I hope you all have a friend like Mallorie in your life one day. ...what's best is that she has no idea she's doing it...it's just natural to her. <3

Things that Rob my affection for God:

1) Worry. I could write that one down before I even think for one second. Worry is probably the single-handed most devastating thing that I struggle with in my relationship with God. And several people may dismiss worry or even stand up under that as some sort of twisted pride but I am here to tell you that my worry is a willful sin that I choose to participate in. And it shows my lack of trust in the very God who created me. Because, during this season of my life, worry has become my bread. It has fed me in to fits of panic and anxiety that I have never known. And I wonder in this season, "Where are You, God?" But today, in Streams in the Desert, the verse attached to the devotion was from Isaiah 45:3 - "I will give you treasures of darkness." what? did I read that right? treasures? in darkness? The devotion continues to say, "If you seem to be living in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid. Simply go forward in faith and in love, never doubting Him. He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears." I bolded that hoping that it will jump off the page and bring comfort to your souls. If anyone is feeling alone in this moment, please know that I have been there. Heck, I am there. But I am choosing in this moment of deep darkness, to hold on to God.

2) Comparison. This is poison. I compare myself to people all the time. I compare my blog to other people's (so embarassing). I compare my successes and failures against my friends all of the time. And it is poisonous to me. It gets me absolutely nowhere to see that other friends are at a different stage of life than me and to deem their stage any more successful than where I am. And people can tell me all they want that, "God has you in this stage for such a time as this", "Praise God you didn't get that job because it just shows that he has something bigger in store for you", "God is faithful, He won't give you more than you can bear", etc. etc. etc. the pity responses go on and on and I'm not saying that those responses aren't heartfelt because I'm sure they were, but in this stage of my life, no one can bring the salve to my spirit except God and God, Himself....if I will let Him.
I beg you to run away from the temptation to compare yourself to anyone. Please don't do it. 

3) Laziness. After working early hours at Starbucks, it is very easy for me to plop down on the couch, especially after a long run, and get lost in Dr. Phil for hours. I had to literally pry myself off my couch this afternoon to come to the Coffeeshop because I knew in my head that I would be so much happier after I came here and spent time with music (and espresso), truth, scripture, etc. pumped in to my veins. 

4) Legalism. If I'm honest, I still fight the battle against legalism every single day. It's gotten easier, that's for sure, but it is something, when I give in to temptation, definitely robs my affection for God. 

5) Selfishness. This robs my affection big time. Because it focuses all of my time, effort and attention on myself rather than on God, Himself. Selfishness in a marriage is the kiss of death. And it beckons deeply. I long to focus on myself and on the things Matt is not doing to serve me but, in that very action, I am focusing on myself! How ironic!

This exercise has been something that is very helpful to me. Because having a list like this written out allows me to physically stare this in the face and long for the top-half of this list and run away from the bottom-half. I hope you will all find time to conduct your own list sometime soon. And this list is more of a rough-draft that will probably be ever-changing for me but for now, this is it. Feel free to share yours with me...I find it really fascinating to see how different people's lists can be! PS one of the things that stirs Matt's affection for God is grading math tests....??? precious.

Selah.