Paradise.

"Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in paradise."
-Luke 23:43

This just might be my favorite exchange in all of Scripture.

The stage is set. The scene is well under way. The thief is reaping the punishment of his crime. Justice has been served.

Hanging there, bloody and bruised, this man has all but surrendered to his fate on the cross. He knows he belongs there.

And he knows the man two over from him belongs there.

But that man in the middle. There was just something about him.

He was innocent. He did nothing to deserve this most crude and inhuman execution. The thief on the far side joined with the crowd hurling insults upon Jesus.

But in his dying moment, this other thief came to a saving knowledge of who Jesus was. He hedged his bet on Jesus saying, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom." (Luke 23:42)

And in one moment, the eternal destination of this man shifted from death to life. And most certainly not because of anything he earned, attended, or achieved. But rather, he acknowledged his sin, his helplessness and, most importantly, Jesus' innocence and divinity.

And in one of the most beautiful verses in all of Scripture, Jesus responds, "Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise." (Luke 23:43)

Imagine observing this as a member of the crowd. You're close enough to see and smell the blood and the sweat of these dying men. And as you're straining to hear this conversation over the mocks and jeers from the crowd, you think you hear the scandalous interchange of words that a thief dare ask Jesus to remember him?!?

Never. It can't possibly be happening.

He's a thief! He's hanging up there paying the penalty of his sin. His debt is almost paid as his life literally hangs in the balance.

But he asks Jesus to remember him?!

And what's more: Jesus grants his request!

You almost want to join in the objection that this man does not deserve this pardon.

But my dear friends, this is the best news for you and for me!

Because this thief had zero chips with which to bargain. He had nothing to offer Jesus in exchange for his request. All he was able to offer up in that moment was his faith that Jesus was who He claimed to be.

AND THAT WAS ENOUGH! 

And it's enough for you. And it's enough for me.

Because the way to our eternity is through faith in what Jesus accomplished through His death and resurrection. And praise God, it's not by anything we accomplish (and more importantly what we don't).

In one of the most desperate, vulnerable and raw conversions in all of Scripture, we see salvation in it's most pure form. This thief, whose rap sheet earned him a one-way ticket to the cross, comes to recognize his own depravity and Christ's divinity. And he places his faith in the person and work of Jesus in his dying breaths.

And he is granted salvation.

And it just might be my favorite exchange in all of Scripture.

Because if it can happen for this thief, it can happen for you and for me, too.

2017.

Every New Year, my mind drifts back to a talk I once heard by Francis Chan. He spoke to a small breakout group at a conference and challenged us something still crystal clear in my mind more than a decade later: What if you could skate through this year with zero problems? No friendship pain, no job loss, no health issues, no sadness or difficulty. But at the end of your year, you did not become one bit closer to Jesus. Or the second option: What if this year will be wrought with difficulty and hardship at every turn? Hurts. Pain. Brokenness. But at the end of your year, you find yourself closer to Jesus than ever before. Which would you choose? 

At the time of that conference, I proudly proclaimed how easily my answer came to me. Of course I would choose whatever road necessary to bring me closer to Jesus.


Last year, on December 30th, I sat at a Starbucks in California for two uninterrupted hours (the photo above is from that magical morning). It was cold and raining outside. I was warm on the inside, thanks to my salted caramel mocha. And I dreamed. I dreamed big dreams for 2017 and all that it might hold. I took out my trusty Erin Condren Planner and created a new Notebook on my computer, complete with color-coordinated tabs. I planned. And I dreamed. And I planned some more:

Spiritual goals. Family goals. Professional goals. Personal goals. 

And it felt good. It felt good to get my aspirations for what could be down on paper (and screen). 

Now, in the final weeks of 2017, I look back on my list of goals and dreams. Some accomplished, some left undone. Some completely forgotten. In many ways, this year was filled with joy. I have so many things to celebrate at the close of 2017. 

But in very many other ways, this was the most difficult year of my life. Three things that were not on that list, but were very much apart of my year:

The crumbling of a friendship. Miscarriage number one in September. And miscarriage number two, December 9th. 

The pain and fear that comes from even typing those words is almost palpable. Because those things weren't on my list. They don't pop up on an Instagram story. Those events don't get splashed on our Facebook walls (is it even still called a wall?!). We reserve those things for our inner circle, while those on the outskirts are left to think we're truly as footloose and fancy free as our Social Media pages make us appear.


I was driving earlier this week and a reality came clear into focus: I have never been closer to Jesus. I have never depended on Him more in my life. Amidst the toughest year of my life, Jesus has never been more precious and dear to me. Francis's challenge was painfully accurate.


As we end another year, many of us will be tempted to say, "I'm so over 2017!" or "So long, 2017! You were horrible!" And I would typically have joined in on that sentiment.

However.

Had the tremendously difficult events in my life during 2017 not happened, I would not be where I am now in my walk with Jesus. I wouldn't have been able to experience so tangibly the comfort and peace He so freely offered me through the valleys I walked this year.

As we head into 2018, I cannot forecast what your year will bring. I can, however, boldly proclaim this: Jesus will not fail you.

march fourth.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

My mom and I had just finished loading up Raelynn and Selah in their carseats to head to IKEA. As we climbed up in the car, my mom spotted a pile of garage sale stuff, which included a baby bath seat, and she casually asked, "Are you sure you guys want to get rid of that?"

The second she said it...it was like one zillion moments of realization all clicked into place in an instant: I was pregnant.

That explained everything.

You see, I spent the first 6 weeks of 2016 as sick as a dog. It would ebb and flow, but it included everything imaginable. I could not get well. In fact, it was the whole reason my mom had come to town at all. In a moment of desperation and sheer exhaustion, I called her sobbing and begged her to get in the car to come care for me and my family.

A day later, she pulled in my driveway, jaw dropped at the severity of the situation. The FaceTimes and photos couldn't fully convey just how awful my hives were, how nasty Raelynn's cough was, how high Selah's fever was. I was beside myself.

Amidst it all, I hadn't even stopped to think of the root cause preventing me from getting well...the fact that my body's immune system intentionally lowered itself so as not to kill the growing baby inside of me.

As the words escaped her mouth, I didn't need a pregnancy test to tell me what I already knew in the depths of my soul: I was pregnant.

We continued to IKEA to pick out the necessary items to organize our play room (heck, if my mom was coming in town, I may as well let her loose doing what she loves to do...organize!). I honestly can't even remember the drive or the conversation because my mind was swirling with so many thoughts.

Later that night, we decided to move Selah out of her cradle and into a crib. As my mom and Matt moved things around in her nursery, I escaped to the bathroom. The instant the test was activated, the two pink lines appeared. My suspicion was confirmed: I was pregnant.

I walked back in to the nursery just as Matt and my mom were trying to decide where the cradle should go and blurted out, "You better not move that cradle too far away.....I'm pregnant." 

I would love to tell you those words were uttered with excitement and joy. They were not. They were met with excitement and joy on the part of my mom who shrieked and squealed in excitement...and I think Matt whispered a few choice words under his breath. The three of us stood in that nursery for a long time trying to digest all that had just transpired.

Our lives were forever changed.

I laid awake in bed that night. Dumbfounded. Overwhelmed. Shocked.

So many thoughts flooded my mind. Very few, if any, of them were happy. And it takes a lot of courage for me to admit that outside of my trusted group of friends and family. Because when you're married with two kids, the expectation of another child should be thrilling, happy, even joyous. But this baby was not planned. We prayed for our first two babies and intentionally tried to have them close together.

And we thought we were done.

I wish I could tell you that the days and weeks that followed brought about that expected joy and happiness. But it didn't. I only became more and more weary, overwhelmed, and confused about this little life growing inside of me. I would cry very frequently. And a huge feeling of guilt flooded over me. I met with several different friends and mentors over coffee in hopes of finding peace with my reality.

I found myself in a bible study group of several women who struggled with infertility. They would cry during our time together that their wombs remained barren. And I cried tears...because mine wasn't. Again, I hesitate to share that because I do not want to sound insensitive to women who struggle with infertility. My heart and soul pours out for you and my prayers go up to God Almighty on your behalf. I pray God draws near to you and reveals Himself to you in such Intimate, tangible ways.

But I don't want to minimize the emotion I felt in those lowest of low moments. Because it was real. And it was my heart. But very few people actually know any of this. They just saw a swollen belly, a pregnancy announcement, bump photos. I was shamed by a lot of strangers as I walked in stores with my two girls, 2 and under and a pregnant belly. "Don't you know what causes that?!" "You sure have your hands full!" 

Man, people are ignorant when they make comments to strangers. (Please think twice before uttering words like that to any mama you come across!)

At 39 weeks, 4 days pregnant, my mom and I sat in Eisley's nursery sorting through newborn clothing. She sat on my nursing chair, and I on the exercise ball. She looked me in the eye and asked how I was doing. I broke down sobbing to her. I was able to express exactly where my heart was. Like I was supposed to be brimming with excitement and anticipation of this third little girl. But I wasn't. I was sad. I was scared. I was unsure I could actually love this little, unplanned girl. It felt good to be able to verbalize my unfiltered emotions.

Monday, November 7th, I went to bed with so much anxiety and uncertainty coursing through my veins. I was scheduled for an induction the following morning at 7:30am. I awoke the next morning, my mom had prepared a breakfast of hot oatmeal. As I sat eating my breakfast, I just prayed and prayed that the day would be filled with Jesus. I felt oddly numb and void of too much emotion. It felt other-worldly.

We drove to the hospital, checked in, and got situated in our room. I had a mild induction form that was given me in small doses so as to allow things to happen as naturally as possible. I was given one round and instructed to walk around the hospital for an hour before returning for the second dose. We walked and walked, praying the entire time.

As I recount the day, it was nothing short of a miracle. A dream of sorts. We diffused peace & calming in our room, had the lights dimmed, and played Hillsong's Of Dirt & Grace album on repeat. The day progressed, slowly but surely. My mom came to join us in the hospital room when we knew I was admitted, and not being sent home without a baby.

As the all-too-familiar feeling of contractions ramped up and flooded over me, I did something that caused me to swallow a lot of pride: I asked for an epidural. It went in such stark contrast to my first two labors but it was something I wanted. Matt was actually so taken aback by my request that he spent a solid 15 minutes grilling our nurse about them (all while I was contracting away mind you). That epidural did exactly what I hoped it would do: it allowed me time to peacefully labor and continue to digest what was happening, slowly but surely.

The second the words, "You are cleared to push" uttered my midwife's mouth...I began to sob. Like deep, belly sobs from the depths of my soul. So much so that the nurse asked me if I was okay. I couldn't compose myself but just kept uttering the words, "I LOVE HER! I LOVE HER!!! I LOVE HER!!!!"

In an instant, I pulled Eisley Caroline up on to my chest and God did what only He can do: He melted my heart. He showered me with so much love for this tiny person I just met but somehow my life wasn't complete without. And I just sobbed and sobbed.

A few weeks later, at my best friend's baby shower, I found myself talking to an old friend I hadn't seen since before we were both married. She made a small comment, something to the effect, "Your life just appears to be so great! Your girls are all so cute and you just seem so happy!"

Let me be clear: I am so happy. I am so grateful. I wouldn't change a second of my life for anything.

But my heart sunk. Because our lives are all so beautiful and happy and squeaky clean in the snapshot of social media. And I don't want anyone to think for a second that my life is met without hardship. The second she said that, I knew I had to write this post. Because I want to give voice to the hurts of my heart in hopes that it allows someone else the freedom to feel the hurt of their heart. And know that they're not alone.


These last few months I have clung to this tiny girl in disbelief that there was ever a day I didn't love her. I look down at her in tears all the time at the guilt I feel and will probably battle it for awhile.

This morning, Eisley vomited all over me. Like ALL over me. So I had to strip her down and give her a bath...in that bath seat that started it all. And I was overwhelmed with the journey of the last 365 days.

mercy.

My past embraced

My sin forgiven

I'm blameless in Your sight

My history rewritten

You delight in mercy

Mercy triumphs over judgment

Oh Love, great Love

Fear cannot be found in You

There will never be a day 

You're uncertain of the ones You choose

You delight in mercy

Mercy triumphs over judgment

So I will wake

And spend days

Loving the One 

Who raised me up

From death to life

From wrong to right

You're making all things beautiful

You delight in mercy

Mercy triumphs over judgment

This song so deeply blessed my soul today. 

Please let the truth of these lyrics rain down on you. Soak in them. 

But don't stop there...

Be changed by them. Claim their truth. Be transformed, my brothers and sisters. 

One of my favorite phrases in this song is the fact that fear cannot be found in Jesus. He came to disband fear once, and for all. 

...but I am fearful. I spend the majority of my thought life in fear. 

Fear that I will lose my beautiful family in a host of tragic scenarios that play out in my mind. Fear that friends will betray. 

Fear. 

But, friends. That is the enemy speaking to my mind. And fear cannot be found in Jesus. 

I just read about the Body of Christ in 1 Corinthians 12. 

And it got me thinking: what do I contribute to my local body (church)? How is my church better because Carley Block Maier attends and brings with her the gifts that Jesus uniquely gave to her? 

We so often cower in our gifting, (ok, I so often cower in my gifting) for several reasons: 

Others do it better. Whatever your "it" is, I'm sure you're right. I know I am gifted in my writing abilities, but I read the words so eloquently drafted by so many other authors (who, by the way, are carrying out the gifting God gave them!) and feel like, "Who am I?". 

We get busy. Being a full-time working wife and mama to two girls who forgot how to sleep doesn't exactly leave me with the luxury of much free time. However. That's an excuse. I can take every moment God has granted me with my girls, at my church, at the grocery store, with my husband...and exercise my giftings in those scenarios. 

We get selfish. (why can't google have emoticons...I'm powerless without emoticons) Oh sweet friends I am so guilty of this. Oh my goodness so guilty. I look at my comfort, my preferences, my needs, whatever spare time I do have....and I so foolishly call it mine. When scripture tells me I am not even my own (1 Corinthians 6:19). Paul David Tripp says, "God has called all His children not to be mere recipients of His kingdom work of grace, but to be instruments of that work as well." (New Morning Mercies) 

Sweet Jesus that hits me smack in the face. 

So as the song continues to proclaim, "I will wake and spend my days, loving the One who raised me up, from death to life, from wrong to right, You're making all things beautiful." 

Friends. Good morning. Wake up. Spend your days loving Jesus back by loving others, by contributing your gifts that God so graciously, intimately gifted to you and you alone. 

Don't let Satan win. And if we won today....don't let him win tomorrow.

(***song: Mercy, by Amanda Cook, Album: Brave New World***)

Generosity.

Before I left for work today, Matt mentioned something to me regarding our financial situation. I won't share the details, but it would require taking a leap of faith, risking the financial position we worked so diligently to achieve.

Don't get me wrong, it's nothing ignorant or irresponsible, but it would challenge us. 

Growing up, I was always the toddler who loved to share. My mom always told me she loved that about my personality. 

Money was always tight in our home because my mom valued being a stay-at-home mom, which I'm finding I respect more and more. Around Christmas time, my family would host an annual boutique in our home to help fund our Christmas. My dad is quite the wood-worker and, for weeks, my parents would put us to bed and go to the garage and create beautiful pieces. 

This was before the days where boutiques were hip and trendy. 

Several families would bring their hand-made crafts and, for a few weekends, our home would transform in to a makeshift shop. 

This seriously brings me back. 

I distinctly remember running around our house, so excited to explore all of the different trinkets for sale. One particular year, my mom's friend Marcia made a satin pink potpourri heart. I would run through the house, re-trace my steps back to that heart, breathe in it's flowery scent, and carry on (most-likely to our trampoline in the backyard). 

Day after day, I would visit that pink heart, so my mom wanted to purchase it for me as a Christmas gift. She went to find it and, tragically, it was gone. Someone beat her to it. 

Fast forward to Christmas morning. The tree is packed with gifts. Casey and I are waiting in his bedroom, which turned in to our holding tank, in our fresh new Christmas jammies (as was our tradition). My parents say the word and we go racing down the hallway to behold all of our meticulously wrapped gifts under the tree. However, this year is a bit different.

I go racing toward the tree, digging and digging passed all of the gifts designated for me. I keep looking in search of one crumply-wrapped gift. I finally locate the gift, lunging for it. Meanwhile, my mom is so confused as to what on earth I am doing. I grab the gift and, with all of the pride a 6-year old sponge-curly haired girl could muster up, hand it to my mom.

The satin pink potpourri heart. 

I vividly remember counting my hard-earned dollars and pennies in order to save up for that heart. I remember hiding it under my bed for weeks, pulling it out every once in awhile to inhale it's fragrance before carefully returning it underneath my bed. 

Somewhere, among the Anthropologie and Amazon shopping sprees, that girl got lost. I became something unrecognizable to that 6-year old girl more excited to give than to receive on Christmas morning. 

The past year, I have been reading a devotional called, "Disciplines for the Inner Life" (It is no longer in print, so if you can find it on Amazon or Better World Books, snatch one up). It is exceptional. There are few like it.

The premise of this devotional is it's focus on a different topic every day, week by week. You read the same invocation, same Psalm, same benediction for one week straight. But every day of the week, you read a different verse and excerpt from a book on the given topic. The topics range from Humility, Silence, Adoration, etc. 

Yesterday, I finished the topic of The Mind of Christ. 

After leaving my home and the financial conversation with Matt, I opened this devotional at Starbucks, ready to embark upon a new week. The topic? 

Generosity. 

A very wise woman once told me one way God gets your attention is by bringing up the same topic over and over again. 

I read in Exodus 35 of how men and women who were willing brought their gold and silver and gave of their time to contribute to the Tabernacle. 

It was a matter of the heart. 

Then I read this excerpt from Letters to Scattered Pilgrims, by Elizabeth O'Connor: 

When the founding members, young and poor, were forming themselves into a properly incorporated community of faith, they struggled for discipline of membership that would help them and future members to deal concretely with at least some aspects of the handling of money. In its first writing the discipline read, "We commit ourselves to giving 10% of our gross income to the work of the Church." 

Their proposed constitution and disciplines were submitted to Reinhold Niebuhr, an eminent theologian of the last generation, who had agreed to read them and comment. His only suggestion concerned the discipline on money. "I would suggest," Niebuhr said, "that you commit yourselves not to tithing but to proportionate giving, with tithing as an economic floor beneath which you will not go unless there are some compelling reasons." The discipline was rewritten and stands today in each of the six new faith communities: "We covenant with Christ and one another to give proportionately beginning with a tithe of our incomes." 

None of us has to be an accountant to know what 10% of gross income is, but each of us has to be a person on his knees before God if we are to understand our commitment to proportionate giving. Proportionate to what? Proportionate to the accumulated wealth of one's family? Proportionate to one's income and the demands upon it, which vary from family to family? Proportionate to one's sense of security of the degree of anxiety with which one lives? Proportionate to the keenness of our awareness of those who suffer? Proportionate to our sense of justice and of God's ownership of all wealth? Proportionate to our sense of stewardship for those who follow after us? And so on, and so forth. The answer, of course, is in proportion to all of these things. 

Matt and I spent this Christmas with his family in Michigan. Before his mom took us to the airport to head home, we stopped to have lunch (seriously the most delectable homemade sweet potato chips with a cinnamon honey dipping sauce....I digress....). During the course of our meal, we struck up a conversation with our server and found out she was a full-time student, full-time server, single mama.  She mentioned that she worked a 12-hour closing shift the night before, before turning around and opening the restaurant the next morning. 

As the bill came, of course, we fought over who paid. After some friendly, heated discussion, we decided Maggie would pay the bill and we would leave the tip. I think our bill might have totaled $38. Matt grabbed for a $20. My immediate thought was to snatch the large bill (I'm not proud of this). Realizing he was digging back in to his wallet for additional money, my heart began to palpitate! 

He wasn't done. 

We ended up leaving the server a very significant tip. Before getting up from the table, I was able to silently thank God for my incredibly generous husband. I wrote a Bible verse on the receipt (pastor that I am) and told her we hope she had a Merry Christmas. I quickly ran to the bathroom before meeting Matt, Maggie and Rae out at the car. 

I know God had me run to the bathroom so I could see what unfolded after we vacated the table, teaching me a serious lesson. 

The scene I observed brought tears to my eyes and a serious gut-check. 

Our server had gathered a few others around her, with her hand securely placed over her mouth, trying to take in what had just taken place. I watched her mouth, "Oh my gosh, oh my gosh!"

Then she saw me. 

And she immediately came over to hug me. She had tears pouring down her face. 

God showed me in that moment that money was far better off with her than spent on some Anthropologie cardigan that will end up in a donation bin.

Advent.

Being raised in the church, I heard my fair share of Christmas carols. I clearly remember sitting next to my mom and grandma during Christmas season church services and they would both be in tears singing those old familiar carols.

I didn't understand what they were crying about.

I do now.

This weekend our church launched Christmas season. Our lobby was decorated with beautiful Christmas trees. Signs hung on the walls. And as we sung the old familiar "O Come All Ye Faithful" my eyes spilled over with tears.

Darn those genetics...they caught up to me.

But those words struck me,

"O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!"

That's what Christmas is about.

I am always thoughtful of Easter through observing Lent, but for some reason, Advent has been less celebrated in my life.

Also this weekend, our worship director read an excerpt from Cardinal Timothy Dolan that I must share. I pray it will move you the way it did me and prepare your heart for this season of Advent:

Advent is our spiritual "getting ready" for Christmas. We try to squash into four weeks all the hoping, longing, preparing...all the waiting of the People of Israel, our older family members in the household of faith.

...We wait for His grace and mercy, sure to come;

...We wait for Him to answer our prayers, sure He will, but unsure when, where or how;

...We wait for reasons to explain suffering, struggle, and worries;

...We wait for Him to call us to be with Him for all eternity;

And lest we forget, the Lord waits for us!

...Jesus waits for us to open up to His grace and mercy;

...Jesus waits for us to admit that, as a matter of fact, we do need a Savior!

...Jesus waits for us to admit that He is the answer to the questions our lives of searching pose.

...Jesus waits for our ultimate return to him, for He "has gone to prepare a place for us."

I pray this Advent season will be contemplative and peaceful for your family.

Selah. 

Please Read.

Dearest friends and strangers,

As a little girl, I was the most stubborn little (albeit adorable) thing you have ever seen.

See?! Told ya! (ps what's up with my mom's hair?!)


When I put my mind to something, there was absolutely no de-railing my actions. Come to think of it, I suppose this is still the way I am (just ask Matt).

However, as I have grown up, I realized this has bit me back really hard. Let me explain. If you have followed my blog for any amount of time, you hear me speak about outward appearance, self consciousness, beauty, etc. What I pieced together recently is that I set my mind on hating myself and that's exactly what I have done. Even in those seasons of life where I thought I loved myself, the stubborn little Carley-girl came back with a vengeance to re-claim the girl she created: this girl who was fearful, anxious, ugly, fat, worthless, etc.

And I would put a bandaid over a bullet wound by reading sweet little books like "Captivating" or "Do you think I'm Beautiful" or some other adorable Christian girl books. But what I have realized during this past season of life is on a whole other spectrum.

About a month ago, Matt & I were driving home from our niece's 2nd birthday and, as usual, we were listening to Matt Chandler. In this particular sermon, he mentioned the benefit found in breaking up quiet times in to Scripture reading, prayer and the reading of a theological book. That thought struck me, so the next day I went to my (rather large) selection of books and one literally jumped off the shelf at me. (and by jumped off the shelf, I mean it sat on top of the shelf all on its own) The book is "Desiring God" by John Piper.

And this book has taught me more in the 128 pages I have read so far than almost any other book I have ever read. I have come to grasp that God designed us to find our ultimate pleasure and happiness only in Him. When we try to put any other thing to fill that void, it leaves us wanting. This book is making me look at God and fall in love with Him like I have never ever ever done before. And what's strange is...it's making me look at myself way less and much differently.

About 3 weeks ago, I asked my aunt to start mentoring me. After some prayer and discussion, we decided we would read the book "Created to be God's Friend" by Henry Blackaby. Alright Henry, that's a pretty cliche women's ministry-esque title We are in chapter 2 and what I read tonight laid me flat on my back. Tucked inside page 17 is this phrase, "So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!"  I continued reading and then was thrown back in to this sentence like I was hit by a truck. Wait, wait, wait...."So thorough is God's working in the person He chooses and calls that the initiatives of God are themselves His guarantee for completion!" If this is true, then God called me, chose me (sorry if this is offensive to you Armini's) and equipped me and I am guaranteed to complete that which He set out for me to complete. Guaranteed. A few sentences later he says, "and what absolute confident expectation should rest in every life who today knows the call of God on him."

The more days I live on this earth, the more I realize that I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. And what happens when my eyes are on Jesus? They are no longer fixed on me! AH! Jesus! So good.

I have so many amazing friends that get tripped up on this stupid self image thing and I'm so sick of it. Satan is such a tricky little bastard (yup, said it) and knows that one of the most powerful ways to absolutely cripple a woman is by making her focus her attention on herself, all the while dwindling her effectiveness and gifting that could transform this world.

Friends, if you are like I was and have read every imaginable self-help book out there but still find yourself helpless, try something new and start pouring in to God's word. It is alarming how much less time you will spend worrying about the digital display of a scale. It is just as alarming how secure you will feel knowing that this God you study and worship is freaking crazy about you.

Go down a few posts from this and read the lyrics to the Christy Nockels song, "Be Loved" and live those words. You are loved.


Selah.

I love...

1. jolly ranchers. got hooked on them again when our high school pastor stocked up for his kids and left them unattended in his cubicle...rookie mistake.

2. the gym. i got a new membership at mountainside fitness and it is so inspiring to work out around people who are so in shape. it is also pretty depressing.

3. rain. we have gotten a lot of it this summer! so crazy! 

4. our home. we have had our missional community at our home the last 2 weeks and the feeling of watching people i love gather in our living room and learn about God and each other is pretty glorious.

5. cheers. like the show from the 80's. matt & i don't have a tv so sometimes we let ourselves watch netflix in bed on the iPad. matt begged me to watch 1 episode and i got hooked! we love it!

6. old friends. my dearest friend, sarah, and i re-connected over iced tea the other day and we have such a beautiful history together and hopefully a beautiful future, too.

7. fresh & easy. just love it.

8. fans. i love the feeling of circulating air to cool you down. so weird. so true. i have thought this many times the past week.

9. that it's august 24th and i got to drive to the gym today with my windows down! it was 82 degrees at 9am! what?!?

10. second chances. that's a bit cryptic, i know, but i really like 'em.

11. shoes. which reminds me how much i love boots. and how DSW is stocked with their fall collection and i want to purchase them all. every last pair.

You're invited!

Lately I have really tried to intentionally invite God in to every aspect of my day. I know, this might sound juvenile and second nature to a lot of you. But, for me, I have found that the majority of days went on with Bible time in the morning, which included prayer, and then I tucked my Bible on the shelf and went to work (Irony of all ironies...I work at a church so a common misconception is that all of us are sitting in a circle all day singing koom-by-ah, talking about the things of God 24/7). 

What I think I have never heard ever in my life is that maybe, just maybe having a "quiet time", "devotional", "devo", or whatever else you may choose to call it isn't just meant to be a one-time sit down session per day. While it is a great practice and Spiritual discipline, I am left to wonder if maybe God wants to have access to my heart and mind the other 16 or so hours I am awake per day. For awhile, it was a stretch to even find the time to sit down per day at all. I would give myself an 'attagirl for the day if I would sit down and fly through whatever devotional I was reading. And that sufficed for awhile. And then reading my Bible for 10 minutes a day left me satisfied. And then 20. But, it's funny how if you give God a doorway in to your day, He has a way of seeping in and wanting more.

It's also funny how I want to give Him more! I was in a meeting this week with some of our Micah 6:8 Team leaders. We broke in to groups for some discussion time over some passages. After our group was done with discussion, one of the staff members was vulnerable enough to tell us how much he yearns for time away with the Lord but he just can't find the time right now in this season of life. I so appreciated his honesty and could identify at one point in my life. But right now, I am in this sweet season that I have to force myself to get up from the table to go to work because all I want to do is sit and bask in my Father's presence. I am learning and growing by leaps and bounds right now and it is so exciting for me. While I say this, I am also in an incredibly tough season of life, too...so don't think that a "good" relationship with God equals daisies and sunshine. But as I pondered the past two weeks, I wouldn't change them for a single thing. Because I am learning to intentionally invite God to come with me: come with me as I drive (which, coincidentally means a lot less road rage), come with me as I work out, come with me as I grocery shop, come with me as I enter this meeting to discuss church membership strategies, come with me as I talk with Matt. But it has been hard! I have to constantly remind myself to bring God along. To let the Holy Spirit work through me and give me answers or words when I'm in a conversation.

Remember this post? Well, I am reading a book that has something painfully similar (albeit, way more masterful) and I want to share it with you. It's from a book called Story by Steven James:

boxing god.
come here, god, i'd like to keep you in this little shoe box. i'd like to pull you out whenever i need you and put you away whenever i don't. come on. climb in.
there you go...now, let me just slide this lid over the top and...
okay, now, i'll just set you here in the closet and keep you handy for a rainy day...
hmm...i have to say, i didn't think you'd fit so easily. i actually thought i might have to really pound on you to squeeze you in there.
imagine that. pounding on you to make you fit! ha. how funny is that?
well, g-bye. you be a good little god, now. don't go climbing out of your box. i'll be back to feed you later.



This poem pretty well sums up my past relationship with God. I would call out to Him when I needed Him or, even when I wanted to praise Him for something...but I would categorize my life in to "Carley time" and "God time" (about 90/10 to be honest).

How about you? Do you find it challenging to invite God to go with you throughout your day? I challenge you to start literally verbalizing your invitation to Him. That's what I have done. I wrote it in my journal and then whenever I'm driving or whenever I realize I haven't invited Him, I make it a point to do so. I didn't come up with this idea all on my own.

I was blessed with one of the most incredible bosses this world has ever known. And she would do this. We would be in the middle of lunch, talking about something, and she would just speak to God like he was sitting at the table with us. She would invite Him to speak in to our conversation. And it was so............weird at first! But then I started realizing how beautiful it was and how foolish I had been! He's present with us already, so we are silly not to speak to Him and include him in to the conversation! It also hit me that God's not going to barge His way in to our conversations and coming and goings without our invitation. Our God doesn't force entry. He merely waits for the invitation and will take what He gets. I invite you to give Him more.


Selah.

I'm back.

Hi friends.

I realize it has been embarrassingly long since I have blogged and I'm not quite sure how to do this anymore. Plus, I'm not sitting at The Coffeeshop so I'm even more out of my element.

But alas, I will blog it out.

As I sat this evening reading through several old blog posts, I realize how much they are truly soothing to my soul. Blogging releases a certain amount of fear that bottles up inside of me. It allows me to unveil portions of my soul that are otherwise shoved down deep. But I feel I need to apologize to you, dear reader, because I am not blogging for you. For a while, I think I was. I would read and edit and chop up sentences that didn't sound fancy enough and just when I had as shiny of a blog post as I could conjure, I would post it as my status on Facebook and anxiously await for people to "Like" it or comment.

And as I read through blog posts of Yore, it has become clear to me that I get tripped up over the same hurdles in life over and over. And then I stand up, brush myself off...and get pummeled again. And so I hit my knees, praying that God will somehow, someway against all odds find it in His God-sized heart to take me back. Pitiful, broken, scared, scarred, wounded and all. But then I read things over and over throughout the span of Scripture that just enamor me.

That God is actually begging ME to take HIM back. He is waiting for me with open arms to stop hating myself, beating myself up, doubting myself, being fearful and just run in to His open arms. I read in Micah 6:3-5 when God is desperately trying to remind His people of His faithfulness. It makes me cry to read and just try to imagine God's broken heart as he pleads with them to remember. And I read through Hosea when God continually runs after His unrepentant people. And I read Song of Solomon, that, yes, is written about lovers but so beautifully portrays God's affection for His bride, The Church.  And I read of the Prodigal Son. Whose father sees him before he even knows about it and there is a party upon his return. And then I read of Jesus. Who loved us so much that He was innocent yet went to a cross to pay my penalty.

I know that 99% of my posts are written from The Coffeeshop. I also know that 99% of my posts include an excerpt from a song that is ripping through my soul. Well, my friend, I may be typing from the comfort of my own home this evening (yep, that's right...we have a HOME. OUR HOME), but I do have a song! So some things are still the same. Holy Cow. Christy Nockels. "Be Loved". Here are the words. But please go to Spotify or iTunes and please let her voice sooth that spot in your soul. 


Have you ever let yourself be loved, by the One who made you?
Have you ever told your soul to believe that His heart is on your side?
You could even try to run away but there's nothing you could do,

So just be loved. Be loved He loves you.
Just be loved. Be loved He loves you.

Have you ever let yourself be held by the One who holds this world?
Have you ever told your soul to rejoice, that His arms are open wide
You could even try to run away but He'd come running after you

So just be held. Be held He holds you.
Just be held. Be held He holds you.

We didn't earn it, He just chose to give it and it's in our resting that we rise up singing "Rejoice!" again I say, "Rejoice!" "Rejoice!" 

You are loved! Be loved, He loves you! 
You are loved! Be loved, He loves you! He loves you!  



Selah, my friends. He loves you. 
 

the half. continued.

Remember this post?

Well, the day has finally come (although it's two weeks later than predicted in the above post).

I run my FIRST half marathon ever TOMORROW MORNING!!!!

Wish me luck!

13.1 miles. I'm going to own you!

Stirring & Robbing...

So the past month has been nothing less than a crazy roller coaster of emotions.

Our missional community has been going through the book of Philippians. Well, we came upon the topic of what stirs our affections for God and what robs our affections for God.


So, for homework, we decided to go home and discuss with our spouse what things are that stir our emotions for God and what things are that rob our affections. I want to share my list for you and I want you to start thinking this week of what things are that do the same for you. I think the awareness of these things can have a lasting impact on our spiritual health.

**note: things that stir our affections for God are things that draw us nearer to Him. Things that bring praise and thankfulness to our thoughts and mind. Things that rob our affection are things that keep us from dwelling in that Shalom with God. These things do not have to take hours out of your day, they could be things that take only but a second but hinder your relationship with God.*

Things that Stir my Affections toward God:

1) Worship music. I know this one does not come as much of a shock. I could listen to the same Hillsong song for weeks on repeat without ever getting sick of it. I run to the same 7-song playlist every week and it never gets old. I just love worshiping by myself (or in a community of believers) in the car, running, at home, at the coffee shop, etc. I just love. Recently, I started taking my favorite worship songs and journaling them out as a prayer to God. Very affective (effective? don't know which one) for me.

2) Reading the Bible. Not having any length or time constraint. I think those two things are huge for me because a few years ago, I probably would have put reading the Bible on things that rob my affections due to the legalistic stigma I had attached to "quiet times". But lately, the Bible has just come alive for me and I have written down several verses on note cards that I am trying to commit to memory. I love it. Plus, if I am going in to spiritual battle, I better have my weapons on me and, in this season of my life, I find myself in a near constant state of battle.

3) Running. WHAT?!?! This is so anti-what I would have written a few years ago! But I seriously am loving it. Many of you know I used to travel 6-hours to and from school every single week. That was a lot of time spent alone in my car...and I loved every minute of it. Well, running has sort of taken that spot for me. I love the time spent alone, with just me, my iPod and my thoughts. I covet that time now.

4) Rain. Every single time it rains it seriously feels like God is replenishing and reviving my soul. I feel like I am being inwardly cleansed. I might even couple rain with all-things-nature. Whenever I drive up to Sedona I want to cry at how creative and beautiful God's creation is. This is another reason why I love traveling as much as I do because I get to see portions of God's creation like I have never seen it before (ps...apparently we have discovered a new planet that is sustainable for life?!?!?! they are calling it the "goldy-locks" planet because it is not too hot and not too cold, it is just right....praise God! that is crazy!) 

5)  Coffeeshops. For the same reason I love running, I love coffeeshops. I come and sit for hours and get lost in sermons, songs, espresso, journals, etc. etc. Love them. Love them.

6) Theology. Studying theology, for me, is something that greatly increases and stirs my affections for God because I just continue to uncover and uncover more truth. God's word is incredible. I would add to this portion of my list listening to inspired pastors and theologians. I marvel and praise God for the mind that they have been given to be able to communicate and process such deep truths.

7) Vulnerability. In letting other people in to my weakness, hurts, fears, failures, etc I am able to experience the community in which God desperately longs for me to dwell. One specific friend that jumps out in my mind through this season is my friend, Mallorie. I met Mallorie several years ago because she was dating one of my friends. But by the grace of God, Mallorie was brought back in to my life and even in to our missional community. Mallorie is one of the most real individuals I have ever encountered...and I mean real. She has no walls up no defenses, you just see Mallorie's spirit with skin on when you look at her. She is so willing to be vulnerable and invite you to be vulnerable as well. She has walked alongside me faithfully throughout this season of my life and is the type of friend that, when she asks how you are doing, she means it with every fiber of her being. She gives you her undivided attention. For this reason, she has broken through much of my ridiculously prideful exterior and has seen the core of my heart and its brokenness. And in that, I see God. Because in that moment, amidst the tears and hurt, she has stood by me and has prayed for me so faithfully and has been a literal presence of God to me. And I would have never experienced that if not for vulnerability. I hope you all have a friend like Mallorie in your life one day. ...what's best is that she has no idea she's doing it...it's just natural to her. <3

Things that Rob my affection for God:

1) Worry. I could write that one down before I even think for one second. Worry is probably the single-handed most devastating thing that I struggle with in my relationship with God. And several people may dismiss worry or even stand up under that as some sort of twisted pride but I am here to tell you that my worry is a willful sin that I choose to participate in. And it shows my lack of trust in the very God who created me. Because, during this season of my life, worry has become my bread. It has fed me in to fits of panic and anxiety that I have never known. And I wonder in this season, "Where are You, God?" But today, in Streams in the Desert, the verse attached to the devotion was from Isaiah 45:3 - "I will give you treasures of darkness." what? did I read that right? treasures? in darkness? The devotion continues to say, "If you seem to be living in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid. Simply go forward in faith and in love, never doubting Him. He is watching and will bring goodness and beauty from all of your pain and tears." I bolded that hoping that it will jump off the page and bring comfort to your souls. If anyone is feeling alone in this moment, please know that I have been there. Heck, I am there. But I am choosing in this moment of deep darkness, to hold on to God.

2) Comparison. This is poison. I compare myself to people all the time. I compare my blog to other people's (so embarassing). I compare my successes and failures against my friends all of the time. And it is poisonous to me. It gets me absolutely nowhere to see that other friends are at a different stage of life than me and to deem their stage any more successful than where I am. And people can tell me all they want that, "God has you in this stage for such a time as this", "Praise God you didn't get that job because it just shows that he has something bigger in store for you", "God is faithful, He won't give you more than you can bear", etc. etc. etc. the pity responses go on and on and I'm not saying that those responses aren't heartfelt because I'm sure they were, but in this stage of my life, no one can bring the salve to my spirit except God and God, Himself....if I will let Him.
I beg you to run away from the temptation to compare yourself to anyone. Please don't do it. 

3) Laziness. After working early hours at Starbucks, it is very easy for me to plop down on the couch, especially after a long run, and get lost in Dr. Phil for hours. I had to literally pry myself off my couch this afternoon to come to the Coffeeshop because I knew in my head that I would be so much happier after I came here and spent time with music (and espresso), truth, scripture, etc. pumped in to my veins. 

4) Legalism. If I'm honest, I still fight the battle against legalism every single day. It's gotten easier, that's for sure, but it is something, when I give in to temptation, definitely robs my affection for God. 

5) Selfishness. This robs my affection big time. Because it focuses all of my time, effort and attention on myself rather than on God, Himself. Selfishness in a marriage is the kiss of death. And it beckons deeply. I long to focus on myself and on the things Matt is not doing to serve me but, in that very action, I am focusing on myself! How ironic!

This exercise has been something that is very helpful to me. Because having a list like this written out allows me to physically stare this in the face and long for the top-half of this list and run away from the bottom-half. I hope you will all find time to conduct your own list sometime soon. And this list is more of a rough-draft that will probably be ever-changing for me but for now, this is it. Feel free to share yours with me...I find it really fascinating to see how different people's lists can be! PS one of the things that stirs Matt's affection for God is grading math tests....??? precious.

Selah.

Lee

This is Lee.

Lee and I go way back. I mean 6th grade, ridiculousness back. We met at church and were instantly dear friends. We went to camp together and were connected at the hip, forming the type of friendship that lasts a lifetime. He was in my caller ID at my parent's house as "Southdale" (our local mall in Edina, MN) because he was my best shopping friend (in fact, we shared sweaters all the time...we were in 7th grade people, give us a break). We layed out for hours in his backyard and watched endless hours of him barrel racing his horses. We lit Gap "Dream" incense and just got lost in its amazing scent (in fact, I cannot dare smell that scent without drifting back to my younger years with Lee by my side). We never shared a romantic connection but we were always just best friends and I consider him to be like a brother to me. My parents loved him like a second son.

Our friendship tended to often consist of him smoking and drinking and hanging out with girl after girl and me just shaking my head disapprovingly. My heart always hurt for the decisions he would make but I would never give up on him. I hoped there would come a day when he would know and love the Lord.

We graduated and he went off to college at UND where he partied with the best of them. He pledged Sigma Chi and, I'm sure, was the life of every single party. He would fly down to Arizona and we would lay out (and he always got more tan than me...jerk). In fact, I got in to my very first bar when I was 19 because of stinkin' Lee...because he had a fake ID that was impeccable...except that it claimed he was of the female gender....eeek! don't worry people, i didn't drink.

But then one weekend....

My phone rang. and it was Lee. He called to tell me he was taking our friend's little sister up to a Campus Crusade (Christian parachurch ministry) retreat and, rather than driving the hours to and from only to pick her back up, he was going to remain at the retreat for the weekend. My heart did a tiny back flip but then I tried not to get too excited because he was, Lee, after all. The life of the party who would most likely come back with two new girls in love with him.

And then, on Sunday, my phone rang again. And it was Lee. Well, it was Lee but then again it wasn't. It was a new Lee. I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember where I was. I remember what I was wearing, even.  He called and explained that he was a new man. He was changed. He told me that he met men on this retreat that he could be more vulnerable and more real with than he had ever been with anyone in his entire life. And he has never ever looked back. 

I prayed for this man for years. I mean years. I would just ache for him as I would watch him live the life that he claimed was fulfilling and making him appear to be so happy and carefree. But I knew that God wanted more from him. 

Lee spent several years working for Campus Crusade and, for about a year has now been a pastor at a church back in Edina. Wild. absolutely wild. I still literally could get goosebumpy and teary thinking about this brother-figure of mine, a pastor! I have seen him tons of times since his conversion but every time it's like the sweetest reunion and just sheer beauty as I watch this man who is so passionately in love with God. 

Anyhow, Lee had the privilege of speaking in the main service last weekend at church and he emailed me the link to his sermon so I immediately listened. The first fifteen seconds were absolutely surreal for me, as I listened to this very grown and wise sounding voice coming from my childhood friend! And I thought, 'well this will be great to listen to'....

but then I really began to listen. and he began to share what the Spirit had put on his heart. And I was left in tears. Because Lee met me right where I was at. He challenged me as if he were speaking straight to me and me, alone. (that's the beauty of the Holy Spirit) And then I realized how crazy beautiful it was that this childhood friend of mine could push me spiritually, from thousands of miles away and I could be encouraged by his words, as I know so many were this past weekend. 

Lee spoke on advent and on what this season means for us. That we should expect love to show up in our lives through this season. And then asked us what we are expecting for and thirsting for that we need to lay at the foot of the cross. Lee shared how he entered a season of his life coming out of Crusade that he struggled deeply with who he was and I am going through that season even now. He was thirsty. I am thirsty. The woman at the well was thirsty. And so often we look for thirst in things that will not satisfy. Lee explained how he thirsted for recognition, comfort, to maintain a good image, etc. I thirst for all of those things. And I know God is kneading my soul right now and it hurts so badly. But it is so comforting to know that my friend, Lee, went through this, too. And so did David as he wrote in Psalm 38:10;15 - "My heart throbs; my strength fails me, and the light of my eyes - it has also gone from me...But for you, O Lord, do I wait; it is you, O Lord my God, who will answer." 

and the woman at the well came, ultimately, to be relieved of her physical thirst, but scripture tells us she left her water jar at the well in order to walk back and tell everyone whom she met. She left the very thing she came to the well requiring. She knew that she had just received so much more than physical fulfillment. Her soul was quenched. And so is mine.

Selah.

ps if you would like to listen to this sermon, you can click here.

24 hours later...

Ok friends. another update. I know. No posts in like a month and now 2 within 24 hours. But what can I say?

I am listening to this song (shocker) called "You are More" by Hillsong and it is blowing my mind:

On the Day I called, you answered me. 
And the hope in my soul increased.
I lift my hands and turn my eyes 
to the God who heals my heart 
and gives me peace.
You are more than my words could ever say
You are Lord over all, over all my days.
I will see this season through, 
I will fix my eyes on you, 
only You, only You


Ok so that's just part of the song and this song is just pulling me through right now.
I am sitting in my favorite place, can you guess? the Coffeeshop. This is my sanctuary. I know I've said that before but, I'm sorry, every time I come here, the Lord just meets me and blows my mind.
And when I sat down an hour ago my heart was heavy again. I hadn't yet opened my Bible today and, even though I listened to a sermon and some great songs while I was running this morning, I didn't feel like I had spent quality time with God yet and I was so thirsty to do so. So I turned on my favorite playlist and then remembered I just bought this new Hillsong album. And that's when this song blew my mind.
Because yesterday and even sometimes today, I did not want to fix my eyes on Jesus or see this season through. But I read a friend's facebook status this morning that challenged my thinking so much. It said:

"My goal is God Himself...At any cost, dear Lord, by any road." -Oswald Chambers.

And that thought kicked me in the butt. Because can I say that, even through this season? That in hardship and struggle and pain and hurt and brokenness that God is my goal and not happiness, contentment, joy? And what's more is that "any cost" could cost me my comfort and my contentment and my joy. Does that make sense? because it's blowing my mind.
I think last week I would have read that quote and thought, "YAH! AMEN, GOD YOU ARE MY GOAL!" but this week, when I have hit probably my lowest of low seasons in my life if I can say that quote at the end of the day in the midst of this pain, then praise God.
Friends, I know this trial in my life probably does not compare to some of the things you are going through or have gone through but I hope and pray that whatever season you are going through, you can proclaim that God is your ultimate goal. Over anything. I promise it's worth it.

I'm beginning to love this season. And three days ago I didn't think that would ever happen.

taking off my mask...

During the course of my blog I know I have posted several times about the year I gave up make-up for Lent. It was during that time that I realized how much of me I was really shedding than simply the amount of make-up I wore on my face. Sure, everyone and anyone could visually see me but it was in the simple act of removing my make-up that I allowed myself to become vulnerable to others. And since that time I have really attempted to allow myself to be known by others. Because I feel so strongly in learning from one another and seeing the beauty in the broken.

So, friends, I am broken.

I had a potential job opportunity at my current church and had a huge interview on Monday and, simply stated, I blew it. I mean royally blew it.

And the rest of Monday and Tuesday and half of today were ruined. I had to get part of my shift covered at work yesterday because I could not focus for even one second.

And Matt tried to cheer me up. And my mom. And my dad. And two precious friends came over with a circle k slushie and peanut butter m&m's to let me cry and offer whatever comfort they could. And I even tried cheering myself up. I took a bubble bath and used my finest LUSH products. And I listened to my cheer you up songs. And lit candles. And I went for a run. And I read my typical pick-me-up devotionals. But I just did not even want to, or desire to, pull myself up off the proverbial floor. (well, i suppose figuratively and literally)

But today, I texted my aunt and asked, in a moment of sheer desperation and brokenness, if I could please come over because I was at the end of my rope. It was my last ditch effort at trying to restore whatever smattering of sanity or hope I had left. And so we talked. And 1 o' clock passed. and then two. and then three. and finally, by four o' clock I have come to realize some things that I think I will forever file away in an emergency "when you want to fall on the floor and do nothing else with yourself and you hate yourself and want to throw up and never read anything inspirational" file.

First. Satan is real. He has begged and pleaded me to disown my belief that God could possibly ever care for me. He has tried his darndest (and is even trying now) to make me think that I could ever be part of God's elect. And on Monday, and Tuesday and part of today, I chose to believe that lie. I focused on my flaws and my horrific interview. and my weaknesses. and listened to the booming voice rather than straining to hear the voice of my Savior. Who beckens to me gently to come away. I read a book a long time ago that I have been re-reading the past few months. It is entitled, "The Furious Longing of God" by Brennan Manning and it is SO perfect for when you're failing to realize God's love and calling over your life. Anyhow, in one of it's pages, it reveals this verse (and maybe I've shared this before so forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

My love lifts up his voice, he says to me, 'Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come

For see, winter is past, the rains are over and gone.

Flowers are appearing on the earth. The season of glad songs has come, the cooing of the turtledove is heard in our land.

The fig tree is forming its first figs and the blossoming vines give out their fragrance. Come then, my beloved, my lovely one, come.

'My dove, hiding in the clefts of the rock, in the coverts of the cliff, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet and your face is lovely.' -Song of Songs 2:9-14 This verse has pulled me out of the deepest ruts because, while I fight to believe that I am lovely or that he calls to me, I see through the pages of scripture that this is God's true desire for me. Over and over and over again in scripture we see God's fierce affection, devotion and faithfulness to His people, so why would I be so arrogant to think I am beyond this affection? In our missional community the past few weeks, we have been exploring the idea of humility and what the Micah 6:8 portion of "walk humbly with your God" means. I asked God to expose areas of pride in my life. (warning: perhaps be a bit more prepared than I was when asking God to reveal pride in your life...it hurts real bad) Well He did. He just did it in a really radical way. Let me explain. After I came home from the worst interview of the century, I was soaking in the tub. And, amidst my sobs, a thought came across my mind: "I was so excited to post on facebook and my blog to let my friends know about my new exciting position that I finally had in ministry. After so many years of serving coffee, finally I will prove to everyone that I am worth something.... Oh my gosh I have told so many different people about this opportunity that I cannot face them because I am mortified and so humiliated that I blew it so huge." this long thought was shortly interrupted by this second thought, "whenever people post statuses on facebook, you never see the vulnerable side of them. you sometimes will catch on to an emotional verse or quote posted that clues you in to something that must be deeper that is going on in their life but you never see...'Well, i blew that job interview' or 'I gained 10 pounds'. You see so many people posting about their joys and accomplishments." (ps I am not knocking anyone for celebrating accomplishments publicly...I have probably done it dozens of times myself) As soon as that thought came, my own pride was revealed. Because I didn't want to stand and face anyone (i.e. other small group leaders in jr high, my missional community, matt's bosses, my co-workers, my friends, my family, etc.) and let them know the reality of what happened. I didn't want to let anyone know what had happened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide and no one to ever seek. But I know this post, and my being vulnerable will help someone. Some day. Some how. Second. (sorry it took me so long to get to 2) God's will may be hard to discern, but His peace is not. My aunt taught me that today. When I cannot understand what God is doing or if He is even amidst my situation and my struggling, I need to pray for peace. Because God will grant peace when we seek it out. And my aunt, if anyone, has the street cred to claim that truth. Because, a long time ago, her young husband died instantly from a massive heart attack while he was deer hunting. And then shortly afterward, her house burned down to the ground. If anyone could claim that there is no peace in God, it is her. But she has stood up under the truth that God grants peace that surpasses all understanding and what's better is that this peace will guard our hearts and our minds (Philippians 4:7). Third. Allow others in your inner circle to see the real you. Monday, Tuesday, and part of today Matt has begged me to open up to him about what was going on in my mind. And it took listening to a country song and weeping when he got in the door for him to see my heart. (that pride thing, again) Because all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball or become bitter and angry. But I chose in that moment, finally, to let him in. I do this all of the time. whenever something hurts or is hard and people want to come alongside me, my first inclination is to lock the door or drive far away and turn my phone off. But that is my pride. dang my pride. I have nothing else to leave you with other than these words "come away, my beloved, my lovely one come." -God

This weekend...

- rainbow outlet. hecks yes.

- seeing my best friend and nephew (in her belly). 

- so you think you can dance tour. yup.

- dessert with jan & steve gerali. yessir.

- chilling with two of the most amazing parents this world has ever known. mine.

- whale watching at san clemente beach (i guess it's whale migration season). mmmm.

- popeye pancakes. mom's specialty. 

aka we're in california

Lately...part 100

Hi Friends. Man, I feel like every time I blog it is mainly updating on what has happened since the last time I blogged! Life is just great right now so let me bring you up to speed:

• My sermon went really well. I have had a great amount of anxiety since I preached because Satan has tried to fool me in to believing that I was ineffective 
• My manager accepted Christ and asked me to baptize her. Probably my highest honor to date. I still can't believe it! God is so faithful.
• Matt & I went to Hilton Head, SC for a week with his family. So much fun playing with our niece for a solid week :) 
• I am a legit runner! I ran every day I was supposed to on vacation. That, to me, is the measure of a true runner! When vacation doesn't hinder your workout regime :) I am going to kick that half-marathon's booty. I bought a Garmin running watch and it is, in the words of my friend Sarah, "revolutionizing my running". Love it. 
• Which leads me to my next point: I fit in to 2 pair of pants I haven't worn since I got married! woot woot. I still have 3 more pair that are in the I-could-button-these-but-not-be-able-to-sit-down-or-breath-all-day category...
• I am in conversation and prayer over a position at church (more on that later)
• I am the new "announcement girl" at church! haha yay. 
• I am trying to spend more time these days thanking God for what He has blessed me with rather than playing the but-she-has-that game. It's way better this way. Try it. Dare you. 
• Still house-hunting...but realizing that God is so sovereign and so faithful that we are so content right now in waiting...
• Going to the So You Think You Can Dance tour in LA this weekend with my sweet, sweet husband who surprised me with tickets :) God bless that man 

Anyhow, I love you all and pray that you are blessed this day.